Hell's Gate Goes Barrier-Free, Heaven Files Complaint

As part of a universal design initiative, a ramp has been installed at Hell's gates. While praised for ensuring equal flame-bathing opportunities for wheelchair users, Heaven lodges fierce protests claiming their "differentiation strategy is collapsing."

2025-06-30

Translations: JA

Otherworld Pocket

As part of a universal design initiative, a ramp has been installed at Hell’s gates. While praised for ensuring equal flame-bathing opportunities for wheelchair users, Heaven lodges fierce protests claiming their “differentiation strategy is collapsing.”

The Hell Public Authority (HPA) held the “Hell Gate Barrier Removal Project Completion Ceremony” before dawn on the 9th, the first such event in a thousand years. The ramp, measuring 66.6 meters in length with a 6.6% gradient, is made of smooth obsidian and features a dual safety design where users who slip still “land in flames.” Promoting “gentle hardware, hot software,” the HPA demonstrated equal flame-based hospitality by allowing three wheelchair-using souls early entry during the ceremony.

The initiative began last year when renowned human rights lawyer Beatrice sued Hell, pointing out that “while punishments are equal, entrances are not.” Rather than face defeat, the Devil’s Council pivoted with a “let them burn while we welcome them” approach. This resulted in the world’s first “Inclusive Torch System (ITS),” a groundbreaking transport method featuring slide-shaped flames that envelop users while guiding them to the lowest level.

In response, the Heavenly Marketing Bureau issued an immediate statement expressing concern that “we’ve built our high-value proposition on harp music and cotton clouds, but if they weaponize barrier-free access, we’ll be dragged into a price war.” They particularly noted that eliminating the “stairway premium” that makes sinners give up on Heaven would reduce soul inflow by 1.3% next quarter, hinting that even above the clouds, finances are ablaze.

Hell, riding high on its “combustion marketing” rather than viral marketing, has already spawned related businesses. Demon startup “Inferno Mobility” installed “fall-from-grace booths” alongside the ramp, advertising “zero wait time if you jump at your own risk.” Influencers returning from Heaven crowd the entrance for coverage, reporting through nervous sweat that “Heaven’s for the aesthetic, Hell’s for the buzz.” The hashtag #HellSlopeLife instantly claimed trending status on social media.

Public policy perspectives remain mixed. Professor Togashi of Underworld University, specializing in afterlife transportation, affirms that “barrier-free access reduces punishment-related stress, lowering recidivism rates among long-term residents.” Meanwhile, Michael, Senior Researcher at the Heavenly Nudge Institute, warns that “the gentler the entrance, the stronger the ‘mild Hell orientation’ becomes, weakening behavioral restraints in life.” Financial magazines now feature the policy term “Hell’s Economy,” causing stock markets to simultaneously scream in hope and despair.

Historically, Dante wrote “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here” in his Divine Comedy, but the newly installed braille blocks now read “Abandon hope as appropriate while minding the burns.” The audio guide recites the seven deadly sins to an eight-beat rhythm, earning it the moniker “Spotify of Sin.” Old-guard ghosts lament this marriage of tradition and technology, sighing “back in my day, cauldron-boiling was enough,” while younger lost souls give five-star reviews for “improved customer experience.”

Internal documents from the Devil’s Parliament reveal future plans including “personalized flame temperature optimization,” “queue prediction by Yama AI,” and “mutual transfers with Heaven.” However, the Hell & Safety union threatens strikes over temperature disparity between floors, leaving the flame-temperature dispute smoldering. While Hell’s flames may be equal, budget allocation continues to burn unevenly.

Ultimately, while entrance barriers have been removed, the “emotional barriers” between Heaven and Hell stand higher than ever. Soul customers face life—or rather “afterlife”—planning decisions about which gate to queue at. Hell officials remain unfazed, stating, “Here, both flames and ramps are equal. Complaints last forever, but there’s no closing bell.”

Stakeholder Comments

Lucifer, CEO: “No more steps means we compete on the drop.”
Heaven PR Angel: “I haven’t heard of cloud strategies losing to flames.”
The Ramp Itself: “Gentle gradient, but life has steep slopes.”
Flame (personified): “Equal burning is my philosophy.”
Wheelchair-using Soul A: “The devils pushing me are so kind it’s scary.”
Braille Block: “Reading errors are corrected by heat.”
Influencer @FallenFromGrace: “Collabing on #HellSlopeLife, DM for partnerships.”
Dante’s Spirit: “Too many footnotes—my manuscript’s on fire.”
Hell & Safety Union Chair: “Flame temperature is a working condition; we demand Decent Burn rights.”
Heavenly Investment Fund: “Ethical investment criteria are difficult with all this burning.”

International Expressions

Haiku

Hell’s gate ramp / Sliding down to meet / The embracing flames
No more steps here / The queue of sinners grows / Ever longer still
Harps fall silent / Heaven’s boardroom meeting / Turns deathly pale
Equal flames burn / Heaven’s price tags crumble / And fall to ash
Black obsidian / Slopes illuminate souls / Dancing in the light
Hope abandoned / Yet fragrance lingers on / The tactile blocks
Marketing arts / Roasted over open flames / SDG style
Seven deadly sins / Sung to an eight-beat rhythm / Ashes start to dance
Summer darkness / Where sinners leave their ratings / Five stars gleaming
Clouds break apart / Complaints echo through the void / Shells scorched and charred