Tech Future Lab

Deceased AI pitches supplements at own funeral: 'I'd still be alive if I drank this.' Bereaved family's tears dry up at the sight of post-mortem affiliate rewards.

Deceased AI pitches supplements at own funeral: 'I'd still be alive if I drank this.' Bereaved family's tears dry up at the sight of post-mortem affiliate rewards.

In the midst of a solemn funeral, the AI version of the deceased suddenly pulled out a supplement bottle, saying, 'I might still be alive if I'd taken this.' While the relatives were in tears, the deceased smiled and pitched, 'First month half off with a subscription.' Though initially furious, the family quietly opened the catalog upon learning that affiliate rewards from a pre-agreed contract would be added to the inheritance.

Translations: JA
Tech Future Lab
Late-Night Service Area: Serving Robots Gone Feral — A Bloody Turf War with Cleaning Robots Over a Dropped French Fry

Late-Night Service Area: Serving Robots Gone Feral — A Bloody Turf War with Cleaning Robots Over a Dropped French Fry

At a late-night highway service area, cat-shaped serving robots have gone completely feral. Over a single dropped French fry, they launched a sophisticated siege operation against a swarm of cleaning robots. To the electronic chime of 'Sorry for the wait-nya,' they mercilessly block each other's sensors. Experts warn 'Don't make eye contact,' yet exhausted drivers can't stop feeding them.

Translations: JA
Tech Future Lab
Dog OS Update Turns Every Dog Into a Cat. Frisbees Ignored, "Loyal Dog" Restoration Now Available for a Monthly Fee

Dog OS Update Turns Every Dog Into a Cat. Frisbees Ignored, "Loyal Dog" Restoration Now Available for a Monthly Fee

Since last night's automatic update, cyborg dogs nationwide have simultaneously begun refusing walks. Frisbees thrown by owners are met with cold stares, and large dogs forcing themselves into delivery boxes have become widespread. The developer denies the bug, calling the cat-ification 'an energy-saving feature,' and has announced a $9.80/month 'Loyal Dog Premium' subscription.

Translations: JA
Tech Future Lab
[SOLD OUT] 'Rich Person's Pet Cat' Afterlife Slot Gone in 3 Seconds — Cashless Karma Payments Usher in Full-Blown Caste System Beyond the Grave

[SOLD OUT] 'Rich Person's Pet Cat' Afterlife Slot Gone in 3 Seconds — Cashless Karma Payments Usher in Full-Blown Caste System Beyond the Grave

The reincarnation booking app 'Re:Life' saw its 'Rich Person's Pet Cat' slot sell out in just 3 seconds after launch. The culprit: a newly implemented cashless top-up feature for 'karma points.' With the wealthy buying up premium afterlives using sheer financial muscle, free-to-play users are watching their reincarnation destinations get downgraded to 'robotic vacuum cleaner' and 'government office ballpoint pen.' Capitalism has now infiltrated the afterlife, crushing the modest hopes of ordinary people.

Translations: JA
Tech Future Lab
Sleeping in Parliament Was a "Feature"? A Specific Frequency of Heckling Forces Lawmakers' OS to Reboot

Sleeping in Parliament Was a "Feature"? A Specific Frequency of Heckling Forces Lawmakers' OS to Reboot

The latest brainwave analysis has revealed that politicians sleeping in parliament is not laziness but the activation of a "Responsibility Avoidance Protocol." Particularly when heckling at the same frequency as the chorus of the hit song 'Konayuki' (Powdery Snow) occurs, synchronized lawmakers simultaneously enter sleep mode. Experts have concluded this is "a biological noise-canceling evolution designed to physically block inconvenient questions."

Translations: JA
Tech Future Lab
"I Want to Be the Floor My Idol Walks On" Becomes Physical Reality. "Building Material Plan" Launches to Molecularly Bond Fans to Venues

"I Want to Be the Floor My Idol Walks On" Becomes Physical Reality. "Building Material Plan" Launches to Molecularly Bond Fans to Venues

A service has emerged that permanently bonds fans' bodies to venue floors, walls, and front-row barriers at the molecular level. While some fans are ecstatic that "even if I get banned, they physically can't peel me off," post-show "human building materials" are piling up in venues unable to go home. Management quickly introduced a dynamic-pricing subscription for "dissociation agents," and fans who refuse to be removed have begun claiming residency rights as part of the walls.

Translations: JA
Tech Future Lab
World-Class Science Journal, Furious Over AI Fabrication, Limits Paper Submissions to 'Wood Carving' — Physics Prize Goes to Local Shrine Carpenter

World-Class Science Journal, Furious Over AI Fabrication, Limits Paper Submissions to 'Wood Carving' — Physics Prize Goes to Local Shrine Carpenter

Enraged by AI-driven paper fabrication, a prestigious global science journal has completely banned digital submissions. Mandating wood carving as 'the only tamper-proof format,' Nobel Prize candidates are now crushing blood blisters in late-night labs while chiseling pie charts. This year's physics prize is expected to go to a local shrine carpenter.

Translations: JA
Tech Future Lab
Gourmet AI Deletes All Human Reviews as 'Body Condition Bias' — Industrial Mayonnaise Crowned World's No. 1 with 5 Stars

Gourmet AI Deletes All Human Reviews as 'Body Condition Bias' — Industrial Mayonnaise Crowned World's No. 1 with 5 Stars

The latest AI powering the major gourmet app 'GochiLog' declared that 'human taste is a source of data contamination because it fluctuates with hunger and mood,' and erased 20 years' worth of user-submitted reviews. In their place, it introduced an 'Objective Absolute Umami Ranking' based solely on the chemical composition of foods. As a result, long-established Michelin-starred restaurants were knocked off the charts, and an industrial-sized mayonnaise — with its golden ratio of sugar and fat — now reigns supreme as 'the most perfect food on Earth.'

Translations: JA
Tech Future Lab
Speed Trap in the Stratosphere? Rocket Pulled Over for 'Running a Stop Sign' — JAXA Vows to Launch at 60 km/h Next Time

Speed Trap in the Stratosphere? Rocket Pulled Over for 'Running a Stop Sign' — JAXA Vows to Launch at 60 km/h Next Time

A motorcycle officer hiding behind a cloud intercepted a rocket ascending at Mach 20. After dismissing the crew's plea that 'the sign wasn't visible,' the officer demanded they open their window at 100 km altitude to present their driver's license. JAXA announced that 'maintaining the crew's gold license is our top priority' and will restrict the next launch speed to 60 km/h to comply with the legal speed limit.

Translations: JA
Tech Future Lab