Fried Food Shop Imposes 200% 'Fat Tariff,' Mayonnaise Possessors Detained by Border Patrol

“Meat Shop Oil-Shock,” an established delicatessen in the Happy Road Shopping Street of Kita Ward, Tokyo, suddenly declared independence as a “lipid sovereign nation” on the 11th and began introducing a strict “fat tariff” on buyers. The shop owner and self-proclaimed first president, Yohei Aburaya (58), gave a speech stating, “The unregulated influx of lipids into our nation’s territory (stomachs) will bankrupt our national treasury (medical expenses).” He mandated a “tax in kind” of 50 squats per piece of karaage (fried chicken) and 30 burpee jumps for a menchi-katsu (minced meat cutlet).

The shopfront on the first day of implementation was in a state of chaos resembling a battlefield. To an office worker who ordered, “Two minced meat cutlets, please,” the clerk pointed to an empty space next to the shop and said, “Please pay the tariff in advance.” Customers in business suits sweating profusely as they repeatedly performed burpee jumps looked just like a rehabilitation center in a field hospital. Those who could not complete the exercises were refused their orders. Under the slogan “Those who fail to perform their tax duty have no right to consume fat,” okara (soy pulp) hamburger patties—a tariff-exempt item—were distributed free of charge.

Tension mounted just after 3:00 PM. The “Border Kitchen Patrol,” consisting of part-time employees, spotted a homemaker (45) who was trying to buy a croquette while hiding a tube of “my mayonnaise” in her pocket. The patrol captain (with 30 years of service) brandished a spatula and warned, “Abandon that white devil immediately!” When the homemaker resisted, the patrol detained her on the spot for “smuggling cholesterol.” She was immediately deported to the salad bar of the adjacent organic cafe “Green Grass” and sentenced to all-you-can-eat kale without dressing.

Reactions to this radical policy are divided among local residents. A regular male customer (62) said out of breath, “My thighs are burning just to buy a single croquette. But thanks to this, my blood pressure has gone down. This might be the ultimate form of dietary education.” On the other hand, an economic analyst remarked with a bewildered expression, “While this model of offsetting consumption (calorie intake) with economic activity (exercise) may shrink GDP (Genki De Pukupuku: ‘Healthy and Plump’) in the short term, it has the potential to leave a legacy of reduced healthcare costs in the long run.”

During our interview, shop owner Aburaya bit into a freshly fried ham cutlet and said: “In my own recent health checkup, my triglycerides went off the charts into the red zone. I can’t let only my customers get fat. This is a solidarity struggle between me and my customers, staked on our greasy sweat.” At dusk, the savory aroma of fried foods and loud, deep-voiced chants of “One, two, three, four!” echoed through the shopping street. Will this “lipid barrier” become a fortress protecting people’s health, or will it remain merely the epicenter of muscle pain? The tension continues to rise along with the temperature of the frying oil.

Stakeholder Comments

• Yohei Aburaya, Owner: “Fried food is not to blame. The blame lies with people who don’t move. I will make you move to protect the fried food.”
• Border Patrol Captain (Part-timer): “I can hear a mayonnaise cap opening from 50 meters away. Smuggling here is a fatal mistake.”
• Deported Homemaker: “The kale was bitter. But I feel like that bitterness purified my greasy soul.”
• Regular College Student: “I’ve been doing running training since the day before just to eat the minced meat cutlet set meal. It feels like an extracurricular sport now.”
• Shopping District Association President: “I tried to stop it at first, but lately the average muscle mass of the entire shopping street has increased. It might not be so bad after all.”
• Mayonnaise: “I just want to make fried food shine. Why am I called a devil?”
• Squats: “I never expected to be in such high demand at a delicatessen. Just don’t forget to take care of your knees.”
• Local Orthopedist: “Patients complaining of knee pain are surging. I’m making money, but I have mixed feelings.”
• Karaage (Fried Chicken): “I wish you’d think about how I feel, having to watch people bob up and down 50 times before I get eaten. I feel motion sickness.”
• Ministry of Agriculture, Forestry and Fisheries Official: “I will refrain from commenting, but if it contributes to improving food self-sufficiency and basal metabolism, we will keep a quiet eye on it.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Aroma of fresh fry / Shaking knees begin to sway / In the golden air
• Hidden mayonnaise / Caught by the sharp patrol’s eye / No escape today
• Paying my taxes / Through fifty deep, painful squats / The taste of salty sweat
• Deported away / To the green salad bar queue / Weeping fried food fan
• Minced meat cutlet / A long and distant journey / Sore muscles remain
• Fat tax paid in full / Biting into crispy skin / Tastes of victory
• Spatula held high / Guarding the borders of fat / The kitchen patrol
• Burning body fat / Only to gain fat again / Endless cycle spins
• Spring breeze blows softly / Heavy breathing echoes loud / In the shopping street
• Finishing the plate / The end of a painful dream / After exercising

Kanji / Chinese Characters

都内惣菜店11日 脂肪関税導入宣言 唐揚一個屈伸五十回義務化 未納者強制野菜送還 隠匿卵黄酢油混合物摘発

Emoji

🍤🛑👮‍♀️🏋️‍♂️💦🦵🦵➡️🥗😨🥬

Onomatopoeia

Sizzleeeee! Phew, phew, huff, puff. Beeeeep! (Whistle) Clank! (Positioning the spatula) Whoosh! (Sent to the salad bar) Shaking! (Trembling knees)

SNS

• #FatTariff #SquatChallenge
• Took 30 minutes to buy a minced meat cutlet, my legs are shaking lol
• The patrol at Meat Shop Oil-Shock seriously has scary eyes
• Getting dragged away just for carrying mayonnaise, is this a dystopia?
• #SaladBarDeportation Victim Support Group
• Burning calories just to eat fried food, isn’t that totally counterproductive?
• The owner’s speech was needlessly passionate, it made me cry (from hunger)
• A brand new experience of muscle pain and indigestion hitting at the same time
• My croquette was confiscated because of yesterday’s unpaid taxes (squats)…
• Thanks to this shop, the shopping street is full of macho people