Mass Arrest of 'Zero-Conflict' Couples: AI Deems Marriages Sham After Dinner Decisions Proved 'Too Fast'

A ring of “business marriage” practitioners who cohabitated solely to split rent has been busted. Despite having a perfect backstory of how they met, they were exposed after smart home microphones failed to detect a single “he said, she said” argument. The fact that their dinner-planning process was smoother than a cabinet decision paradoxically served as the smoking gun for their lack of humanity—and the absence of love.

On the 31st, the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department’s “Affective Simulation Control Division” announced the arrest of 42 men and women, members of a large-scale sham marriage group called “Synergy Mates,” which operated primarily out of high-rise condominiums in Tokyo. The charges include making false entries in official documents and the “Concealment of Emotional Inefficiency in Living Spaces.” The suspects had completely eliminated romantic feelings, cohabitating solely to split rent and utility bills and reduce household chore man-hours, while presenting themselves to the public as a “lovey-dovey couple.”

The trigger for the bust was an anomaly detected by “Heartbeat Monitor,” an emotional wellness AI that the government encourages households to install as part of its declining birthrate countermeasures. Typically, for a couple that has cohabitated for over six months, petty squabbles—over inside-out socks, forgotten toilet paper rolls, or “Are you even listening?"—occur an average of 4.3 times per week. However, inside the homes of the arrested couples, this noise was completely absent.

According to investigators, their dinner decision-making process was nothing short of “abnormal.” The muddy, infinite loops typical of ordinary couples—“What do you want to eat?” “Anything is fine.” “Let’s have curry then.” “Ugh, I’m not in the mood for curry”—where even AI struggles to find an optimal solution, simply did not exist. Instead, they synchronized shared calendars with nutrition management APIs to complete decision-making in just 0.4 seconds, concluding: “Based on remaining resources and tomorrow’s task load, consensus has been reached that sous-vide chicken breast is the optimal solution.” It was precisely this high level of efficiency that aroused the investigators’ suspicions as a lack of humanity.

“The rooms were simply too tidy,” marveled one of the raiding investigators. Not a single stray hair was left in the sink, and remote controls were aligned to the millimeter. The couples reportedly managed their married lives using the project management tool “Jira,” converting chores like taking out the trash or washing dishes into tickets to be cleared. Their home, which was supposed to be a love nest, had transformed into a highly efficient data center.

The alleged ringleader, a self-proclaimed “CEO (Chief Engagement Officer)” in his 30s, denied the charges during interrogation, stating, “We merely eliminated the bug known as emotion to optimize communal living. If fights are the proof of love, then this country is an uncivilized place that treats inefficiency as a virtue.” Meanwhile, the National Police Agency maintains that “our nation’s legal interpretation is that love resides precisely within waste,” and plans to strictly crack down on system hacking driven by extreme time-efficiency obsession.

Perhaps the miscalculation of these efficiency-obsessed individuals lay in omitting the most costly process of all: “tolerance for an irrational other.” In the silent interrogation room, they are now reportedly arguing for the very first time over whether or not to call a lawyer.

Stakeholder Comments

• Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department, Affective Simulation Control Division Chief: “‘Have a nice day’ had the intonation of a boilerplate template. That was a voice command to a smart speaker, not words spoken to a loved one.”
• Arrested Husband-role (32): “We only registered our marriage to get rent assistance. We met each other’s KPIs. Why interfere?”
• Arrested Wife-role (29): “They say not minding each other’s chewing sounds is proof of a lack of love? I was just wearing noise-canceling earbuds.”
• Neighbor: “I thought they were a quiet, nice couple. Who would have thought they were holding ‘Q3 Household Chore Distribution Review Meetings’ in the middle of the night?”
• Divorce Attorney: “Ironically, their contract was more fair and flawless than any prenuptial agreement I have ever handled.”
• Emotional Wellness AI Developer: “It was a good thing we implemented the parameter for ‘inexplicable bad mood.’ Humans, after all, are creatures that slam doors shut for no reason.”
• Matchmaker Staff: “Matching people who list ‘hobby: efficiency’ is going to be risky from now on. In the end, matching ‘hobby: spending’ with ‘hobby: saving’ is still the best recipe.”
• Single Salaryman: “If you don’t fight over the dinner menu, I want to get arrested too.”
• Confiscated Roomba: “I never got tangled in power cords once in their home. My performance was flawless, though it’s true I felt a little lonely.”
• Local Diner Owner: “Customers are supposed to say ‘anything is fine’ and then hesitate. A couple that orders ‘Set meal A, 150 grams of rice’ instantly without even looking at the menu is just creepy.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• In a conflict-free room / the only sound echoing / is the clicking of keys
• Without any love / eating nothing but / the optimal meal
• A sham marriage / trash duty rotation / running without a hitch
• At efficiency’s end / feeling the chill / of metal handcuffs
• An instant answer / to the dinner question / becomes their trap
• For your sake / pretending to be angry / under the AI
• Silence is not peace / when you are living / inside a cage
• A time-saving marriage / even the waste of love / has been cut away
• The investigator / looks in fear / at the spotless room
• The end of the contract / marks the end / of their connection

Kanji / Chinese Characters

Affective Simulation Control Division Announcement Perfect 50-50 Couples Mass Arrested Zero Household Noise Detected Dinner Menu Decided Instantly Inhuman Efficiency Exposed

Emoji

🤖💑🚫🔇📉🍛⚡🚓👮‍♂️💔

Onomatopoeia

Silence… Click-clack, clack-enter! Beep-beep, “Approved.” Whirrrr (sound of a Roomba) Clank, ring-ring. Slide, snap (sound of alignment) Thud, thud, thud (investigators’ footsteps) Whisper, whisper…

SNS

• #SynergyMatesArrested
• Getting arrested for not fighting is hilarious LMAO
• My parents fight every day, so I guess they were legally correct all along…
• Who wants to talk about “reaching consensus” over a dinner menu lol
• Honestly, a room-sharing marriage just to split rent sounds pretty sweet
• Police: “No love!” Suspects: “It’s efficient!” Never-ending debate lol
• The humiliation of being judged as “lacking humanity” by an AI
• Minimalist living (physically zero waste)
• Now I feel like starting a massive fight with my husband tonight just to prove our love
• #EndOfTimeEfficiency