HR Introduces 'Life Expectancy Advance Bonus'

Major corporation announces 'Life Expectancy Advance Bonus' as new incentive. Hopeful employees can receive large bonuses immediately using their future lifespan as collateral, but the company's medical office is the only department constantly bustling.

2025-07-03

Translations: JA

Money Maze

Major general manufacturer “Time Arrow Corporation” announced on the 9th that it would introduce a “Life Expectancy Advance Bonus” as part of its HR reform. Employees can immediately receive up to 36 months’ salary using their doctor-estimated life expectancy as collateral. The company boasts, “Time is an asset, and collateral value is evaluated daily by your heartbeat,” but the AED at reception remains on standby all day, and the medical office has queues rivaling cafes.

The system mechanics are straightforward. Based on health examination results, an internal AI calculates remaining lifespan in seconds. If an employee signs that they “won’t need time after their birthday 30 years from now,” that amount is discounted to present value and paid as a bonus. The discount rate follows the “Internal Resting Heart Rate Variable System” - essentially, the more erratic your heartbeat, the lower the interest rate, making blood pressure a more accurate KPI than weekly reports.

Behind the introduction lies HR’s deep strategy to enhance “take-home perception” without raising salary levels. The CFO states, “It’s equivalent to early resolution of retirement benefit obligations, helping our financial statements diet.” At the shareholders’ meeting, it was explained as “improving Employee Satisfaction (E-LTV),” but rank-and-file employees dryly joked, “Does LTV stand for ‘Life To Value’?”

The Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare began an extraordinary investigation citing “medical risks,” but the company countered, “We’ve also established a small insurance company within our medical office.” Additionally, they courted the Ministry of Finance with meticulous care, arguing, “If employees die young, inheritance taxes decrease, benefiting the nation.” Kasumigaseki aligned with “forward-looking consideration (= wait and see).”

Side effects are already being reported on the ground. Iron men who once boasted “overtime is my hobby” now leave their seats at closing time, eyeing the hourglass sand by the time clock. Compliance training blackboards read “Key Term = Death Date,” with instructors advising, “Let’s avoid early achievement.” Company calendars now show health examination days in red rather than holidays, and smoking areas have become sparsely populated.

Economists calculate that if an average employee (35 years life expectancy) advances 10 million yen, it becomes an immediate consumption expansion measure for GDP. But if the same employee isn’t around 35 years later, the pension system sighs with relief at “unexpended expenditure.” The “human bond default rate,” not yet discussed in economics textbooks, seems likely to join future economic forecast footnotes.

Meanwhile, the new welfare service “Afterlife Points” even offers company discounts on tombstones based on advanced years. The HR director stated, “Everyone is finite, so benefits should be finite too,” concluding the press conference with a large hourglass backdrop. At the venue exit, a “Additional Advance Reception” sign was already up, with only the sound of falling sand eerily resonating.

Stakeholder Comments

HR Director: “We can’t raise salaries, but we’ll solve it with life’s ‘advance settlement’!”
Young Employee: “An era where I can buy my grave before my home.”
Internal AI: “Heartbeat decline detected. Recalculating interest rate. Thump-thump.”
Grim Reaper (Part-time Auditor): “Collection guaranteed. Work-style reform? I’ll take it.”
Labor Standards Act: “I feel my page-turning fingers trembling.”
Shareholder Representative: “If labor costs shrink, it must be ESG-friendly.”
Medical Office Waiting Chair: “Supporting lives more than butts today too.”
Employee’s Family: “I’d rather they reduce the salt in lunch boxes than give bonuses.”
Internal AED: “My performance will further improve internal rates.”
Stock Chart: “A day when incense smoke suits better than candlesticks.”