Olympics Introduces Fried Chicken Shot Put, No Room for 'Oil' Mistakes

The International Association of Athletics Federations has officially recognized a new event replacing shot put iron balls with 20cm diameter freshly fried chicken. Athletes will be judged by the crispy sound of the coating, making it a competition where one literally cannot afford to be 'oil' guard.

2025-07-12

Translations: JA

Muscle Arena

The International Association of Athletics Federations (IAAF) has officially recognized a new event replacing shot put iron balls with 20cm diameter freshly fried chicken. Athletes will be judged by the crispy sound of the coating, making it a competition where one literally cannot afford to be ‘oil’ guard.

Late on the 8th, the International Association of Athletics Federations (IAAF) passed a reform proposal that might cause heartburn, with unanimous greasy applause. The traditional shot put iron ball will be completely replaced with a 20cm diameter, 7.26kg (including skin) piece of fried chicken made from Tottori Prefecture broiler chickens. “Iron is cold, but chicken is warm. We’re evolving into a sport that appeals to viewers’ stomachs,” the federation proudly states.

Competition rules have undergone major revisions. If the coating makes a “crunch” sound at the moment of throwing, it’s valid; if it goes “splat” due to moisture, it’s an immediate foul. Judges wear earmuffs with electronic stethoscopes, measuring sound pressure through the echo of breadcrumbs scattered in the stands. Records will include not only throwing distance but also a “Crispiness Index,” marking the first time the Meteorological Agency has gotten “involved” with the Sports Agency.

Naturally, they haven’t overlooked “taste doping.” Ketchup, mayonnaise, and mysterious brown powder are prohibited, with phosphate blood levels facing stricter testing than iron content. The Court of Arbitration for Sport provisionally ruled that “lemons are fruits, not supplements,” leading to a citrus sponsorship frenzy in a sour competition.

For safety, concerns were raised about pigeons pecking at fallen fried chicken and causing mid-air disintegration, but the federation has prepared rules stating “if caught flying, another attempt is allowed.” A “paper plate zone” will be established in the spectator area, where rolled-in fried chicken can be legally taken home as “Olympic-certified midnight snacks.” Food education advocates cheered, “Finally, a sport where calories come back to you!”

The economic ripple effect is hot. Chicken futures hit the limit up immediately after the announcement, with fryer manufacturers declaring “Beat the pot bottom!” for increased production. The IOC plans to sell the wafting aroma as separate “broadcasting rights,” with TV stations vying for scented 8K broadcasting. An era where you can change the coating flavor with the red button on your remote is crisply approaching.

Conservative voices ask, “What if the competition gets cold?” but that’s precisely the new lesson: “throw it while it’s hot.” Historians propose “ancient Greek discus might have actually been pita bread,” rewriting Olympic history itself. Rumors suggest “Fish & Chips Long Jump” and “Escargot Hurdles” as candidates for the next Paris Games, as world sports enters the realm beyond calories.

Stakeholder Comments

Taro Yamamori (Team Japan): “The greasier the hands, the farther it flies. Who knew my mother’s bento was the secret to world records?”
Coach Aburaya: “Form is secondary. Fry fast, throw fast—that’s the new era’s ‘Fry & Fling.’”
High-Temperature Pan Inc. CEO: “Finally, fryers become official stadium equipment. Oil splatter is scarier than lightning now.”
Mr. Chicken Thigh (Part Representative): “It’s an honor to compete, but being closer to the plate than the podium is complicated, cluck.”
Nutritionist Yoichiro Agazawa: “If eaten within 3 seconds of throwing, the zero-calorie theory might be proven.”
Oil Trader: “From now on, ‘chicken oil’ futures are hotter than ‘crude oil.’ Fire sale really means throwing and selling!”
Environmental NPO Representative: “If we turn waste oil into biofuel, it’s carbon neutral. Not saying the smell is neutral though.”
Electronic Measurement Mic-kun (Personified): “My job is just to catch the ‘crunch.’ It’s harder than vocals!”
Stadium Cleaning Robot: “Task: Clean flour covering entire floor → Schedule: Infinite loop. Update requested.”
Passing Pigeon: “Looks delicious but heavy. If I think of it as muscle training, not bad, coo coo.”