Flammable Alarm App Achieves 100% Wake-Up Rate

A new alarm app that absolutely guarantees to wake users has been released. When the set time arrives, the smartphone's internal temperature skyrockets, with functionality notes stating in fine print 'prepare to burn both sleep and smartphone.' Purchasers instantly leap up from the tremendous heat, though redownloading is reportedly impossible.

2025-07-15

Translations: JA

Tech Future Lab

Smartphones aren’t ringing anymore—they’re burning. On the 9th, startup “Kanful Morning Inc.” officially released their alarm app “Alarm Pyro.” When the set time arrives, the app disables the device’s temperature controls and simultaneously runs the battery and CPU at full capacity, causing the device temperature to skyrocket to approximately 78°C. Users, shocked by the heat, leap out of bed and subsequently water-drown their phones for disposal, solving both oversleeping and smartphone addiction in one fell swoop.

In the company’s verification tests, 100 out of 100 subjects woke up within a maximum of 2 seconds from the set time. “Those who attempted to go back to sleep were bounced off their beds by the sound of their devices melting.” Wake-up rate: 100%, smartphone survival rate: 0%. Targeting efficiency-focused modern individuals, they appeal: “Reclaim your precious mornings through your device’s noble sacrifice.” Internal documentation coldly notes in footnotes: “Device burnout is expected normal operation.”

However, the fire insurance industry is breaking out in cold sweats. Tokyo Fire Department commented that day, “It’s revolutionary as an alarm, but also revolutionary as a fire hazard,” calling for “early morning fire inspections” of lithium-ion batteries. Meanwhile, the Product Safety Center stated, “Apps are intangible assets and fall outside ST mark (flammable toy) regulations,” exposing how flame marketing is literally and legally exploiting gaps.

User reactions are split down the middle. New graduate employee Rin Iba (23) smiles, “Better to have my phone explode than get yelled at by my boss for oversleeping.” Meanwhile, freelancer Damin Onozuka (36), with 5 years of remote work experience, reports, “I ended up taking a nap while watching my burning smartphone,” suggesting the possibility of “combustion habituation.” Social media blazed with mixed tags of joy and screams like #MorningFire #BurnToEntrepreneur.

Technically, the temperature rise algorithm employs proprietary “Sleep Depth Prediction AI.” The deeper the sleep, the faster the heat generation; for light sleep, the smartphone remains at hot water bottle temperature—a considerate touch. The development lead boasts, “We’ve pushed the limits of scorching users without charring them too much.” However, international media offered harsh criticism: “That’s not consideration, that’s sous vide cooking,” stoking international sleep ethics controversies.

The government is considering taxation as a “smartphone heating device.” A Ministry of Economy official expressed expectations for “contributing to winter power demand reduction,” while the Ministry of Land, Infrastructure and Transport expressed confusion: “In-train ignition is unexpected heating.” A regulatory agency representative noted, “If used in bullet trains where windows can’t be opened, entire cars become saunas,” marking a rare moment of bureaucratic unity in the face of flames.

Still, corporate advertising preaching “punctuality is a burning heart” continues its triumphant march, fueled by reform fatigue. In the used smartphone market, “carbonized models” fetch high prices as art pieces, with environmental groups sarcastically noting, “100% reuse rate but 0% carbon offset.” Which will be extinguished first—early rising or global warming? In this country where smartphones turn red before sunrise, efficiency’s flames continue to flicker today.

Stakeholder Comments

Kanful Morning CEO: “Alarms are aggressive appliances. If they don’t burn, it’s a lie.”
Tokyo Fire Department Representative: “Keeping a fire extinguisher by your bedside probably increases safety rates.”
Battery Cell (personified): “I’m normally quite mild-mannered, you know…”
Analog Alarm Clock: “Am I the only one who thinks ringing a bell is sufficient?”
Fire Insurance Adjuster: “Insurance premium calculations have melted and evaporated.”
Sleep Medicine Specialist: “Debating whether to add ‘fireproof case recommended’ to sleep guidelines.”
Smartphone Case Manufacturer: “Fireproof materials? Inventory would be as heavy as sarcophagi.”
Legal AI: “This app can be classified as a ‘self-harming device.’ Precedents require book burning.”
Carbon Offset Dealer: “If it burns, please plant a tree—it also makes for a morning walk.”
Oversleep Fairy: “Burning futons have their charm. Next, I propose igniting down comforters.”