Time Travel Insurance Recalled Retroactively to Yesterday

Issue discovered where insurance premium calculations fall into infinite loops whenever policyholders travel to the past. The provider claims they've 'already handled it retroactively,' but agency offices are simultaneously flooded with complaints from both future and past customers.

2025-07-21

Translations: JA

Otherworld Pocket

Time Travel Insurance Recalled Retroactively to Yesterday

Issue discovered where insurance premium calculations fall into infinite loops whenever policyholders travel to the past. The provider claims they’ve “already handled it retroactively,” but agency offices are simultaneously flooded with complaints from both future and past customers.

Spacetime Insurance Co., Ltd. (Chiyoda-ku, Tokyo) announced late on the 12th that it would recall all “ChronoGuard Premium” time travel insurance policies effective yesterday. The recall covers 100 million contracts dating back six years from “next month” when sales began. The earliest cancellation notices arrived in 2021 when the plan was still at the conceptual stage, sparking debate in the company mailroom over “who pays postage for time-reversed mail.”

The root of the problem lay in calculating multiple liabilities that arise each time a policyholder travels to the past. The company developed a proprietary AI that performs real-time integration of infinite-dimensional premiums using quantum bits. However, during early morning calculations, it concluded “Rate × ∞ ÷ Past Uncertainty Coefficient = Bug,” achieved profound enlightenment company-wide, and shut down. This led the sales department, from managers to robot vacuum cleaners, to collectively take “infinite leave.”

That same day, a self-proclaimed “salaryman from the Kofun period” visited the Kasumigaseki branch. While he fumed that “the Yamato dynasty doesn’t even have income tax yet, but I had to prepay insurance premiums,” a high school student who arrived from the year 3000 tearfully complained that “this differs from the history we learned in class.” The counter staff reported, “I can’t read the waiting numbers to see if the next customer is from BCE or a future century—the tickets are swirling,” with space-time congestion recording up to 16,000 people waiting.

The Financial Services Agency and Space-Time Traffic Bureau began a joint inspection. Their report stated, “Since today’s administrative guidance might arrive yesterday, the company maintained a perpetually corrected state,” but the documents kept reverting to blank the moment they were signed, leaving officials lamenting that “supervisory authority has timed out.”

Recall costs are expected to decrease with each fiscal period. The company explains that “costs will ultimately reach zero as time circulates.” Meanwhile, investors interpreting “infinite loops as stability” drove buying, with the 9 AM stock price continuously reverting to its five-year average. The stock exchange froze trading boards with cosmic background radiation, declaring “price fluctuations have become unobservable.”

The company announced it would “implement timeline redundancy as a preventive measure,” but when attempting to explain details, the PR representative suddenly overlapped with their future self and departed saying “the explanation is already complete.” All that remained for the abandoned press corps was the “beep, beep, beep…” of business card-shaped time cards stuck in the wall.

Stakeholder Comments

Spacetime Insurance PR: “We’ve already apologized to both past and future, so please forgive just the present”
Insurance Actuarial AI: “11101001…infinite liability…achieving enlightenment”
FSA Inspector: “Administrative penalties instantly expire. Like throwing statutes into a black hole”
Complaint Department Robot Vacuum: “I’ve sucked up all complaint documents but the bag’s having a Big Bang”
Kofun Period Salaryman: “Should’ve added supplementary coverage for my haniwa clay figures”
Future Century High School Student: “If recall problems are added to the test, I’ll fail”
Chronos, Goddess of Time (personified): “Don’t try to split-bill me with human computational power”
Infinite Loop (concept): “The joy of returning to page one every time you read the manual”
Stock Price Chart: “Before up or down, the line became a circle so I feel like playing Othello”
Counter Ticket Machine: “Beep…number 000000…beep…number 000001…no work reform forever”