Paper Straws Were Actually Seals Blocking Dimensional Rifts

Scientists reveal that eco-friendly paper straws have been sealing carbonated monsters leaking from parallel worlds. Leaked cafe evacuation manuals during supply delays are spreading bubbly anxiety.

2025-07-29

Translations: JA

Otherworld Pocket

Paper straws, celebrated as symbols of plastic reduction in the environmental movement. But new research reveals they were state-secret-level items beyond mere “paper tubes.” Soda Fiends (carbonated monsters) seeping through carbonation bubbles are absorbed by paper fiber capillaries, sealing interdimensional exits—the latest issue of “Parallel Papers” exposes the sealing drama unfolding behind refreshing mugs.

The National Institute of Dimensional Materials (NIDM), which led the research, explained to our paper: “Plastic lets monsters slip right through, but paper swells with moisture, creating ‘dimensional rust’ that acts as a plug.” The catalyst was analyzing how monster leakage incidents achieved zero year-over-year during last summer’s heatwave when iced latte demand exploded. Environmental virtue and cosmic security were coincidentally achieved with the same paper scraps.

Naturally, these circumstances weren’t publicized, and the government promoted paper straw adoption as “marine debris countermeasures.” A government official boasted, “Nobody questions it when we use sea turtles as shields.” Behind the scenes, 300 billion yen worth of straws are emergency stockpiled annually as “barrier maintenance costs,” with warehouse shelves heavily stocked for potential “bubble overflow.” The Ministry of Finance emphasizes this new form of national wealth: “Straws are lighter than government bonds, easier to transport.”

However, moments when the barrier cracked have been recorded. At a Tokyo cafe where paper straws were delayed due to a port strike in April, foam tentacles emerged from latte surfaces with a “pssht,” attempting to steal Wi-Fi passwords and causing uproar. Staff shouted from behind desks, “Customers, carbonation is at your own risk,” but the manual’s last page read: “After evacuation, remaining customers must self-report and pay ‘surge geo-risk fees.’”

Beverage companies are on edge. Major carbonated drink maker FujiShuwa launched PR: “Our bottles keep monsters asleep with pressure. After opening, double-seal with paper straws.” The PET bottle industry protested “being capped with paper damages our image,” while craft pulp prices pushed up the stock market’s “dimensional index.” Meanwhile, whaling advocates misunderstood early, saying “monsters aren’t fish, so no problem,” further confusing international conferences.

Public reaction is complex. Some college students tear up: “So the straw getting soggy halfway through was proof of life-or-death stakes.” Others, like office workers, steel themselves: “Paper texture like sandpaper is better than monsters.” “PlasticIsPortal” trended on social media, with Thursday-only-hero-like chants of “Paper wins after all.”

Experts are divided on countermeasures. Quantum cosmologist Professor Reiko Mizuhara proposes: “The fundamental solution is drinking carbonation without shaking.” Meanwhile, economist Junichi Karasawa whispers sweetly to the Ministry of Finance: “Introducing a ‘bubble consumption tax’ citing monster sealing would stabilize both finances and dimensions.” Environmental NGOs lament the dilemma: “Paper straws are barriers, but deforestation opens holes,” as forest spirits began sit-ins at midnight outside parliament.

The government plans to propose an international agreement nicknamed the “Starbucks Treaty” next month. Cafes worldwide would adopt standardized paper straws, with surplus provided free to developing nations as “barrier construction aid.” Diplomatic sources chuckle: “One straw connects the world. If it doesn’t get soggy first.” Earth’s and parallel universes’ futures hang on these tissue-thin seawalls.

Stakeholder Comments

Paper Straw (personified): “Every drink dive is life-threatening. Expansion is my aesthetic.”
Carbonated Monster Representative: “Return bubble freedom. Release us from sweetener cages!”
Cafe Staff A: “I realized monster art gets better tips than latte art.”
Plastic Straw Union: “Who made us villains? We make holes, not dimensional rifts.”
Ministry of Finance Bureaucrat: “Budget committees go silent when they hear ‘barrier maintenance costs.’ Very convenient.”
Forest Spirit: “Cut too much and next barrier’s made of leaves.”
Economist Karasawa: “Bubble consumption tax kills two birds—CO2 and fiscal health.”
Paper Mill Manager: “They want paper faster than monsters, but machines work three shifts.”
Elementary Student’s Research: “Bundling 10 straws made monsters cry (from observation diary).”
Wi-Fi Password: “Only information should leak. Not bubbles.”