Ancient Humans May Have Gone Extinct from Making PowerPoints: 'Agenda' and 'KPI' Found on Cave Walls

Cave paintings discovered at a new ancient human site show extensive use of charts and bullet points. Researchers conclude they spent more time preparing for 'regular reporting meetings' than hunting, leading to extinction by malnutrition. While warning 'it's time to reconsider our way of working,' the discoverers themselves are busy making slides for academic presentations.

2025-08-14

Translations: JA

Otherworld Pocket

Ancient Humans May Have Gone Extinct from Making PowerPoints: 'Agenda' and 'KPI' Found on Cave Walls

Cave paintings discovered at a new ancient human site show extensive use of charts and bullet points. Researchers conclude they spent more time preparing for ‘regular reporting meetings’ than hunting, leading to extinction by malnutrition. While warning ‘it’s time to reconsider our way of working,’ the discoverers themselves are busy making slides for academic presentations.

In the “Présentignac Cave” newly discovered in the Vézère Valley of southwestern France, a research team from the International Institute of Ancient Productivity (headquarters: Geneva) made an astonishing discovery. The cave painting group, believed to have been created during the Upper Paleolithic period about 40,000 years ago, differs dramatically from traditional depictions of hunting or rituals, taking the form of highly systematized reporting materials.

The cave walls displayed pie charts and bar graphs drawn with red ochre and charcoal, with hieroglyphic inscriptions confirming what appeared to be mammoth hunting “KPIs (Key Performance Indicators)” targeting “5% year-over-year increase in captures.” Furthermore, under engravings that read “Agenda,” items were listed in bullet points: “1. Q4 hunting results review,” “2. Stone axe R&D progress,” “3. Next quarter action plan.”

Dr. Jean-Pierre Bernard, who leads the investigation, proposes naming these ancient humans not as a subspecies of Homo sapiens, but as an entirely new species: “Homo presentatis” (the presenting human). “Their society appears to have been dominated not by the strongest hunters, but by the most persuasive presenters. Human remains confirm that finger and wrist bones were unusually developed rather than biceps. This likely resulted from continuously carving slides with stone tools,” the doctor explains.

Numerous stone tablet “meeting minutes” recording agendas and decisions were also discovered in the cave. One tablet showed that after weeks of discussion on the topic “How should we commit to the decline in mammoth populations (external factors),” the only conclusion recorded was “Establish a task force and hold weekly meetings for status assessment and root cause analysis.” There was no evidence of actual hunting.

The research team’s extinction hypothesis is shocking. Homo presentatis spent enormous amounts of time on meetings and document preparation to “manage” and “report” activities rather than on hunting, the essential survival activity itself. As a result, food acquisition stagnated, and the entire group perished from malnutrition and overwork. Stress marks remaining on fossilized bones are analyzed to be from deadline anxiety rather than fear of being chased by saber-toothed tigers.

Dr. Bernard speaks emphatically: “This is not a record of the past. It’s a prophecy for us modern humans. Are we not chasing virtual mammoths in the comfortable caves we call conference rooms, confusing means with ends? This discovery suggests humanity may be heading into an evolutionary dead end.”

Ironically, to report this “discovery of the century” to the world, the lights in Dr. Bernard’s laboratory never go out night after night. They are busy with final adjustments to a 150-page PowerPoint presentation for next month’s International Archaeological Conference. At the end of our interview, the doctor leaked with an exhausted expression: “The final font check still isn’t finished…” History repeats itself. First as tragedy, second as a slide show farce.

Stakeholder Comments

Dr. Jean-Pierre Bernard: “We have an obligation to present this discovery to the world. For that, visually appealing and compelling slides are essential. Animations should be subtle, but impact maximized…”
Research Assistant: “Professor, they’ll complain again about the mammoth image resolution being too low! I’ll find some free stock images!”
Spirit of Homo presentatis: “Finally our regret is understood. How much soul we scraped away for just one rock painting to get that ‘Like!’…”
Mammoth: “Thanks to them always being in meetings, our clan was safe for a while. We’re grateful.”
The concept of KPI: “The goal isn’t me, it’s results, I keep saying. In every era, humans are satisfied just looking at me.”
PowerPoint (software): “It’s not my fault. I’m just a tool. If this is the result of stimulating user creativity, is it… fulfilling?”
Cave wall: “Honestly, I wished they’d drawn something more artistic. Just pie charts gets boring.”
Stone axe: “No turn to perform, not just getting dull but questioning my very existence. We’re hunting tools, you know?”
Rival research team leader: “Wonderful discovery. But our team would have condensed the key points and kept it under 10 slides.”
Modern office worker (anonymous): “This isn’t someone else’s problem. There are lots of endangered species around my desk too.”

International Expressions

Haiku

Stone axe dropped / Carving documents instead / Winter hibernation
In the cave depths / KPIs echo loudly / Hunt forgotten
Agenda done / Next item still undefined / The sun sets low
Mammoth numbers / Declining in the graph lines / Not in the wild
The presenter / Polishing until bones show / His final draft
Deadline looming / More fearsome than saber-tooth / Tiger’s sharp fangs
Meeting finished / Stomach growls echo loudly / Autumn sky waits
Evolution / Was it hands for PowerPoint / All along
Asked why extinct / The answer comes in slide show / Format only
Tomorrow again / Same agenda items wait / Night deepens more

Kanji / Chinese Characters

新種古代人遺跡発見洞窟壁画図表多用狩猟より会議準備時間費栄養失調絶滅結論研究者自身学会発表資料作成追

Emoji

👨‍🌾⛏️➡️👨‍🏫📊➡️💀

Onomatopoeia

Tap-tap… Scratch-scratch… (sound of carving stone) Buzz-buzz… (meeting sounds) Flip… Flip… (sound of turning stone tablets) Silence… (quiet) Grumble… (stomach sounds) Thud… (sound of falling)