"Stomp the Sea Down": New National Project Causes International Incident with Tsunami Side Effects

As the final answer to rising sea levels, the government has activated the "Grand Sumo Terraforming" plan, gathering sumo wrestlers on a gigantic floating dohyo in the Pacific to collectively perform shiko stomps and push down the ocean floor. While the minister in charge boasts that "Japan's spirit will save the Earth," the resulting artificial tsunami washed away Hawaiian beaches, escalating into a diplomatic crisis.

2025-08-25

Translations: JA

Social Lab

"Stomp the Sea Down": New National Project Causes International Incident with Tsunami Side Effects

As the final answer to rising sea levels, the government has activated the “Grand Sumo Terraforming” plan, gathering sumo wrestlers on a gigantic floating dohyo in the Pacific to collectively perform shiko stomps and push down the ocean floor. While the minister in charge boasts that “Japan’s spirit will save the Earth,” the resulting artificial tsunami washed away Hawaiian beaches, escalating into a diplomatic crisis.

“Science has its limits. But Japan’s spirit has no limits.” Environment Minister Kokui Daisaku spoke these words with moist eyes at a press conference on the 13th. An unprecedented national project has been launched to call a “matta” (halt) to the laws of physics through the power of our nation’s prized national sport against the universal human challenge of climate change. The project name is the “Grand Sumo Terraforming Plan.” Despite its grandeur, it presents an extremely simple solution.

At the heart of the plan is the “Tenjo Mukyu (Eternal Heavens) Maritime Dohyo,” a special alloy platform with a 5-kilometer diameter floating in the Pacific Ocean. The government has summoned not only active wrestlers but also sumo alumni and 20,000 “Special Service Wrestlers” from sumo practitioners nationwide. Upon a signal from satellites, they simultaneously perform shiko stomps to apply direct pressure to the ocean floor, pushing down the entire planet’s sea level by millimeters. The total project cost is 8 trillion yen. The minister explained this as “an investment in the future and the cost of soul tempering.”

This eccentric idea originated from a proposal at the Cabinet Office’s expert committee, “Committee to Rediscover Japan’s Potential,” which stated, “After Cool Japan, comes ‘Hot Spirit’ that cools rather than warms the Earth.” According to calculations, the average energy of one wrestler’s shiko is 2.5 megajoules. Simulation results submitted on a single A4 sheet showed that 20,000 synchronized stomps could induce small-scale crustal deformation.

Naturally, the scientific community has expressed bewilderment. Professor Gondahara Yuzo of Toto University (Geophysics) noted, “This attempt fundamentally overturns the law of conservation of mass. If successful, it wouldn’t just merit a Nobel Prize—it would lead to the dissolution of physics societies.” He gravely described the worst-case scenario: “The impact on ocean floor plates is unknown, and depending on the angle of the shiko, it could even accelerate Earth’s rotation.”

These concerns became reality in the worst possible way. Hours after the first ceremonial shiko, instead of pushing the ocean floor, the generated energy displaced seawater, creating a 3-meter “Friendship Tsunami” that reached Oahu, Hawaii. Fortunately, there were no casualties, but hundreds of parasols on Waikiki Beach were swept away, and duty-free shop windows were drenched. The U.S. government immediately issued an official protest against this “inexplicable maritime attack by a friendly nation.”

In response, a Project Promotion Office representative explained, “Waves were expected, but the direction was off by 90 degrees. We didn’t account for the Earth’s axial tilt.” They added, “We’ll move to ‘Yori-kiri Phase 2’ to precisely control wave direction. We’re coordinating to send large quantities of chanko nabe sets to Hawaii as an apology for the inconvenience.”

Is this ring edge a tawara (straw bale) or a cliff? Will Japan’s spirit save the Earth, or invite isolation from the international community? Now, in the middle of the Pacific, Earth’s future and Japan’s prestige face a grand “utchari” (last-ditch throw) crisis.

Stakeholder Comments

Environment Minister Kokui: “I expected criticism. Those who don’t understand Japan’s spirit can’t speak of Earth’s future! Next time, we’ll instruct them to lower their hips more!”
Active Wrestler (Anonymous): “It’s harder than practice. I hurt my back. Does workers’ comp apply? Also, the chanko is cold.”
Hawaiian Surfer: “Best waves ever, dude! Whether artificial or natural, great waves are great! Keep ’em coming tomorrow, Japan!”
Toto University Physics Professor: “By my calculations, continents will move next. I’m joking, but with this government, I’m scared they might actually do it.”
Sumo Association Chairman: “Contributing to the national sport is our wish, but please secure a budget for Earth-scale chanko nabe. Wrestlers’ stomachs are more delicate than Earth.”
Project Design Bureaucrat: “Based on the PDCA cycle, we’re considering the ‘Push-back Geoengineering’ plan using teppo to push back seawater.”
Earth (Concept): “Honestly, it tickles a bit. If possible, please aim a little more to the right for the pressure point.”
Pacific Ocean (Concept): “My shoulders have been stiff lately. This is a good massage. Please go a bit harder next time.”
Opposition Politician: “This isn’t ‘shiko’ (leg stomp), it’s ‘shiko’ (death storage)! It’s not just wasting taxes, it’s international shame! Stop the chanko immediately!”
Swept Beach Parasol: “I’m used to being blown by wind, but being swept by waves was a first. It was a short life…”