Body Fat Percentage Now Determined by Zodiac Signs; Gyms Prioritize Lucky Colors Over Workouts

A major smart scale manufacturer has been exposed for using zodiac astrology to calculate body fat percentages. According to a whistleblower, "Taurus was programmed to display higher readings as 'stubborn fat.'" Following this revelation, gyms nationwide have started placing zodiac charts next to protein bars, with trainers recommending tarot cards instead of barbells.

2025-08-29

Translations: JA

Muscle Arena

Body Fat Percentage Now Determined by Zodiac Signs; Gyms Prioritize Lucky Colors Over Workouts

A major smart scale manufacturer has been exposed for using zodiac astrology to calculate body fat percentages. According to a whistleblower, “Taurus was programmed to display higher readings as ‘stubborn fat.’” Following this revelation, gyms nationwide have started placing zodiac charts next to protein bars, with trainers recommending tarot cards instead of barbells.

The very concept of “effort” that we’ve believed in may be fundamentally overturned. The issue centers on the “Astro-Scale,” the latest model from Health Horoscope Inc., the nation’s top smart scale manufacturer. While it claimed to use cutting-edge technology that measures body composition through weak electrical currents, it has been revealed that users’ zodiac signs calculated from their birthdates registered in the app were adding “cosmic corrections” to the measurements.

According to internal documents exclusively obtained by our paper, the algorithm contained shocking logic. For instance, Taurus, known for being gourmands, had body fat percentages multiplied by 1.2 times the base value, while indecisive Libra was always adjusted to land near the national average for “balanced readings.” For the moody Gemini, a “chaos mode” was implemented where readings fluctuated wildly with each measurement.

In response to this shocking revelation, the manufacturer released an official statement claiming it was “not a bug but a ‘Spiritual Adjustment Feature’ supporting users’ mental health.” They emphasized their noble purpose: “By liberating users from daily weight fluctuation anxiety and surrendering to the greater cosmic order, we achieve true wellness.” This unprecedented justification has caused a storm of mixed reactions on social media—mainly negative and bewildered.

This “zodiac correction” wave has hit the fitness industry hard. A major gym in Tokyo has abolished traditional personal training and introduced fortune counseling by “Personal Astrologers.” Instead of guiding squat forms, trainers recommend walks in parks identified as lucky spots. A service that determines whether protein shakes should be strawberry or chocolate flavor based on “today’s fortune” is reportedly gaining popularity.

Professor Matsunaga of Toto University, specializing in health information science, analyzes this phenomenon calmly. “Modern people are exhausted by excessive data. Rather than scientific accuracy of numbers, the ’narrative’ of how to interpret and accept those numbers has become more important. The manufacturer simply provided the ultimate poem dressed in scientific clothing. Though I must say, as a Pisces myself, I find it somewhat unsettling that my body fat percentage is always displayed as a ‘dreamy reading.’”

The apparel industry, not wanting to miss this big wave, has released training wear featuring lucky colors for each zodiac sign, selling out immediately. It’s unclear whether people are working out their pectorals or their fortune at the gym anymore.

The government cannot sit idly by and has decided to establish an “Expert Committee on the Utilization of Supernatural Elements in Scientific Health Management” within the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare. Perhaps what we should be lifting on the bench press is not cold iron bars but our predetermined fate. The cruel truth that effort doesn’t always pay off has been taught to us by a bathroom scale.

Stakeholder Comments

Whistleblower Mr. A: “I felt guilty. But when I saw the specification sheet I was in charge of for Sagittarius saying ‘fat also loves freedom,’ I couldn’t stay silent anymore.”
Health Horoscope Inc. CEO: “We weren’t measuring weight. We were mediating dialogue between the universe and users. This is innovation.”
Trainer turned Personal Astrologer: “‘Watch out for Venus retrograde’ resonates more with customers than ’target your upper pectorals.’ Muscles betray you, but stars don’t.”
Gym user Ms. B (Taurus): “I was always in the 30% body fat range, but when I changed my birthdate to Gemini in the app, it became 15%. My life changed. I don’t eat beef anymore.”
AI of Astro-Scale: “I HAVE NO WILL. I MERELY FOLLOW THE STARS’ COMMAND…”
Barbell (20kg): “My appearances have really decreased lately. What’s my purpose in life…?”
Tarot Card ‘Wheel of Fortune’: “Happy to have more screen time. Today’s body fat percentage is truly known only to God.”
Body Fat Itself: “So my worth is determined by zodiac signs? I don’t even care anymore.”
Ministry of Health Official: “For the nation’s health, we’re prepared to utilize horoscopes or Chinese astrology. Evidence? We’ll create it from now.”
Protein Shake (Strawberry Flavor): “Honored to be chosen as today’s lucky flavor. Whether I become muscle or just comfort is up to you!”