"Single Misplaced Kyoho Grape Erases Star System" Cabinet Office Appoints 3-Year-Old as Special Minister

The discovery that a 3-year-old's game of rearranging grapes on the dining table determines the rise and fall of interdimensional civilizations has prompted the government to treat this as a serious diplomatic issue, establishing the "Cosmic Grape Arrangement Security Office." The toddler minister simply stated "eat all" upon appointment, sending new tensions through diplomatic channels.

2025-09-15

Translations: JA

Otherworld Pocket

"Single Misplaced Kyoho Grape Erases Star System" Cabinet Office Appoints 3-Year-Old as Special Minister

The discovery that a 3-year-old’s game of rearranging grapes on the dining table determines the rise and fall of interdimensional civilizations has prompted the government to treat this as a serious diplomatic issue, establishing the “Cosmic Grape Arrangement Security Office.” The toddler minister simply stated “eat all” upon appointment, sending new tensions through diplomatic channels.

The incident began when the National Astronomical Observatory’s quantum entanglement observation satellite “Nazuna-9” captured a peculiar phenomenon. In a corner of the Virgo Supercluster, multiple star systems were observed flickering irregularly, as if someone had been eating them haphazardly. When the research team investigated the cause, they made an astonishing discovery: every time 3-year-old Taro Suzuki from Tokyo moved Kyoho grape berries on his dining table, the arrangement determined the fate of stars approximately 65 million light-years away. According to experts, the minute mass-energy of each Kyoho grape propagates through dimensional membranes as “existence probability fluctuations” to distant universes.

The government’s response was swift. At the morning cabinet meeting on the 6th, they rapidly approved the “Special Measures Bill for Interdimensional Coordination and National Security in Large-Scale Grape Incidents.” The Cabinet Office established the “Cosmic Grape Arrangement Security Office” and announced the unprecedented personnel decision to appoint Taro as the first Special Mission Minister. At a press conference, the Chief Cabinet Secretary stated with a somewhat strained expression, “Bold ideas unconstrained by preconceptions are key to overcoming this crisis. We entrust the future of the universe to Minister Suzuki’s pure choices.”

Minister Taro Suzuki had already gained a local reputation for his exceptional “arrangement” sense, stacking blocks to desired heights and creating mysterious sculptures from clay that evoke the mysteries of life. However, when asked about his aptitude as a minister, his mother revealed concerns unrelated to state secrets: “His only flaw is being a picky eater…”

This appointment naturally caused considerable consternation among experts. Professor Yamawaki of Toto University, an authority on multiverse theory, expressed new concerns: “We cannot deny the possibility that a child’s intuitive cosmic view transcends our classical logic. However, what happens to star systems if apples are served at snack time? I don’t see any risk hedging for that.”

Multiple messages have reportedly already arrived from interdimensional civilizations through dark matter communications. One civilization protested, “Please stop regarding our home star as a seeded grape. This is deeply regrettable,” while another made an earnest request: “If possible, please use Shine Muscat next time. Since they can be eaten with the skin, it reduces crustal displacement.”

The afternoon ministerial inauguration press conference began tumultuously. When reporters asked about his future aspirations, Minister Suzuki licked the microphone and proudly declared, “Eat all!” At that moment, observation satellites simultaneously detected multiple supernova explosions, throwing the conference hall into chaos. There was even a scene where security personnel hastily removed a grape model from the minister’s mouth.

The future of our nation—indeed, the entire universe—now rests on the most unpredictable variables: a 3-year-old’s appetite and whims. In an era where a single plate on the dining table redraws the cosmic power map, we can only watch with bated breath the movements of those tiny fingertips.

Stakeholder Comments

Special Mission Minister Taro Suzuki (3): “Gwapes! More, pwease!”
Chief Cabinet Secretary: “The minister’s statement represents personal views and does not indicate government endorsement of star system consumption. …Let’s leave it at that.”
Mother: “Minister, eat your green peppers before the grapes.”
Interdimensional Civilization Representative: “Please don’t start with small grape varieties like Delaware. Our future will… vanish!”
Kyoho Grape: “I never knew a single berry could carry such weight. I’m beginning to develop awareness as the chosen one.”
Opposition Party Leader: “Nap time and diaper changes should be guaranteed by cabinet resolution. This is a human rights issue.”
Quantum Physicist: “My 40 years of research has been condensed into this child’s single ‘ahhh’…”
Security Personnel at Official Residence: “Protecting the grape plate from a 3-year-old more unpredictable than terrorists. That’s my new mission.”
Building Blocks: “His arrangement sense is genuine. Even the universe would form beautiful symmetry in his hands.”
Government Official: “Following the minister’s ’eat all’ statement, we’re coordinating to allocate 3 trillion yen for ‘Alternative Fruit Purchase for Cosmic Reconciliation’ in the supplementary budget.”