"Space Fan" Solution for Air Pollution: Government Allocates Entire National Budget to Remote Control Asteroids

On the 27th, the government announced the “Great Sky Fan Project,” a plan to fundamentally solve the long-standing issue of domestic air pollution by remotely controlling asteroids to stir the Earth’s atmosphere. This unprecedented project is expected to consume the entire national budget for this fiscal year, making it truly a grandiose “pray for wind” policy with the nation’s fate at stake.

Minister Suzuki of Environmental Regeneration took the stage at the press conference, holding a giant model reminiscent of a TV remote control. “Citizens, you no longer need to hesitate to open your windows,” he declared triumphantly. The key to the plan is to finely adjust the orbit of the near-Earth asteroid “2025-SKD,” commonly known as “Gentle Breeze No. 27,” and use the gravitational wind generated during its passage to clear the stagnant atmosphere. The minister proudly explained, “Operation is surprisingly simple. ‘Low’ creates spring breezes, ‘Medium’ creates cold winter winds, and ‘Turbo’ artificially generates typhoons that blow away everything in their path,” as if introducing the latest home appliance.

The government explains that the core of this technology, named the “Asteroid Ventilation System (AVS),” lies in ultra-fast response using quantum entanglement. Multiple propulsion engines installed on the asteroid can be remotely controlled from the ground in real-time. This would “launder” the Earth’s atmosphere and provide citizens with constantly fresh air. According to government estimates, if the plan succeeds, not only will health damage from smog be eradicated, but “economic effects from shortened laundry drying time will reach 8 trillion yen annually.”

The Cabinet has decided to allocate the entire general account budget of approximately 115 trillion yen for this fiscal year to this grandiose plan. Social security, education, and defense-related budgets will be effectively frozen, but sources from the Prime Minister’s Office show confidence, stating “We can obtain public understanding to realize the blue sky as the greatest welfare.” Opposition parties have criticized it as “too unrealistic” and “a black hole for national finances,” but surprisingly, 60% of respondents in opinion polls answered “I support it because it sounds interesting,” revealing the national psychology wanting to break through the sense of stagnation.

However, the plan does not seem to be smooth sailing. During a top-secret operational test conducted the other day, a more powerful downdraft than expected occurred due to an output adjustment error. A large amount of laundry that had been hung on the coast of a neighboring country crossed the border and rained down on our mountainous areas, developing into an international problem. The neighboring government severely protested as “airspace violation by flying objects (including thongs, socks, character-printed sheets, etc.),” but the Japanese government responded, “It was force majeure due to natural wind, and while we express regret, we cannot agree to compensation.” A rift has already begun to blow between the two countries.

Professor Hideyoshi Yamakawa of the Space Physics Research Institute at Toto University told our newspaper, “Controlling asteroid orbits is like shaving the eyebrows of a fast-flying mosquito. If successful, it will be a miracle in human history, but if it fails, it will be a comedy in human history.” He added with a dry smile, “Well, either way, it will go down in history.”

At the end of the press conference, Minister Suzuki revealed further ambitions, saying, “The first wind may have been a bit too strong, but this is the birth cry of a new era. Eventually, I want to implement a ‘National Defense Mode’ that blows pollen and yellow dust out of the country.”

Will the gray smog covering our heads turn into a deep blue sky? Or will the national finances and the neighboring country’s laundry turn to cosmic dust first? Only the “Turbo” button on the remote control that the minister lovingly caresses knows the answer.

Stakeholder Comments

• Minister Suzuki of Environmental Regeneration: “Delivering blue skies to the citizens. That’s the only point. I won’t forget to change the remote control batteries, yes indeed.”
• Asteroid Gentle Breeze No. 27: “Um, I’m a rock… Nobody asked me about my suitability as a fan.”
• Giant Remote Control: “The ‘Turbo’ button is tingling… Press it… right now!”
• Ministry of Finance Official: “The moment I wrote ‘space fan’ in the ‘usage’ column of the budget document, I lost consciousness.”
• Housewife from Neighboring Country: “Give back my husband’s underwear! It was a limited edition model!”
• Air Pollution (Smog): “Hah, do you think a mere breeze can blow away particles as great as me?”
• Flying Laundry (Sock): “I’m looking for my partner I lost. Please contact me if you see it.”
• Professor Hideyoshi Yamakawa (Space Physics): “An astronomical budget is exactly this. Hahaha.”
• General Citizen A: “If this makes laundry dry crisp, I’ll endure even if my pension is halved.”
• Leader of the Main Opposition Party: “I never thought the day would come when I’d ask questions about ‘asteroid wind power adjustment’ in the budget committee…”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Autumn sky / Together with the budget / Will it blow away
• Stars moving / The nation’s wallet / Feels so cool
• Smog departs / Neighboring country’s / Underwear dances
• Space wind / Blows and the wallet / Becomes lighter too
• Minister holding / The remote control / Distant sky
• Hundreds of billions / Of dreams riding on / The fan
• Wind rising / Crossing borders / T-shirt oh
• Blue sky / To buy or not buy / Pressing turbo
• Looking up / A rock fan and / No budget
• Asteroid / Gentle breeze or / A storm perhaps

Kanji / Chinese Characters

政府 国内煙霧一掃 小惑星 宇宙扇風機 利用計画発表 大臣 巨大遠隔操作器 手中 笑顔説明 初稼働試験 隣国洗濯物 国境越飛来 未確認情報有

Emoji

政府発表: 🌫️💨🌏 = 🌬️🛰️☄️ + 🕹️👨‍💼✨ (弱=🍃, 強=🌪️) … 🤔 сосед국👕🧦✈️🇯🇵

Onomatopoeia

Gogogogogo… (sound of cabinet decision), Suu… (sound of minister taking out remote control), Kirakira✨ (minister’s smile), Pi (sound of pressing button), Byuuuuuuu! (wind from space), Hirahirahira… (sound of laundry flying), Zawazawa… (voices of citizens)

SNS

• #SpaceFanGanbatte
• Allocating all taxes for blue sky is so rock lol
• The sock that flew from the neighboring country is being sold on Mercari lmao
• My balcony smells like a foreign country
• #AsteroidVentilationSystem
• If this reduces utility bills, it’s a blessing
• This is an absurdly grandiose waste
• The minister in charge probably takes that remote control home
• #GoneWithTheWindNationalBudget
• Next, I hope for sunlight time control with asteroids!