Deceased's Ashes Go Subscription. Space Funeral Hackers Propose "¥980/Month Low Orbit Maintenance" Plan to Bereaved Families

“Goodbye, Grandma. See you next month.” The latest public space funeral service has been hit by a cyberattack, holding ashes in orbit hostage. The hacker group has offered a monthly subscription plan instead of ransom, and some bereaved families are considering switching services due to the option of “shooting star performance for an additional fee.”

The service in question is “Amatsu Misora,” a public space funeral service jointly promoted by the Ministry of Internal Affairs and Communications and the Ministry of Education, Culture, Sports, Science and Technology. It had been attracting attention as a new form of mourning in the digital age, where small capsules containing the deceased’s ashes are released into low orbit, and bereaved families can track the deceased’s “current location” in real time through a dedicated app. However, early yesterday morning, this system was hit by a cyberattack, and bereaved families were unable to check the deceased’s location information on the app.

Shortly thereafter, a hacker group calling themselves “Eternal Economists” issued a statement claiming responsibility. What they demanded was not the old-fashioned ransom. Remarkably, using the management rights of approximately 3,000 ash capsules in orbit as leverage, they pressured bereaved families to subscribe to a monthly subscription plan dubbed “Afterlife-as-a-Service (AaaS).”

The proposed plan is quite modern. The “Basic Orbit Plan” at ¥980 per month guarantees a stable circular orbit for the capsule. Upgrade to the “Premium Memorial Plan” at ¥2,980 per month, and you can select an option to have the capsule re-enter the atmosphere at a specified date and time, performing a “final farewell” as a beautiful shooting star. They even included the line “First month free campaign underway.”

Reactions from bereaved families are divided over this unprecedented “post-death subscription.” Mr. Tanaka (45), a Tokyo resident, is outraged, saying “Taking the deceased hostage is outrageous,” while another bereaved family member (38), who agreed to be interviewed on condition of anonymity, showed a calm attitude comparing the quality of service: “Honestly, the public app crashed a lot. If the hackers have better support, I wouldn’t mind switching. My grandmother would surely be delighted with the shooting star performance.”

The government is in complete disarray over this situation. Although a task force has been established, discussions have become mired in legal interpretations such as “Are ashes in orbit real estate or movable property?” and “Can extortion charges be applied in outer space?” One official said weakly, “There is no precedent. For now, we are considering whether we can divert the budget for debris (space junk) countermeasures.”

Experts are voicing that this incident is a microcosm of modern society. Professor Chino, a socio-economist, points out: “This is the logical yet absurd conclusion of subscription capitalism, where everything is sold piecemeal as a service. We may have finally entered an era where even the peace after death is subscribed to for a monthly fee.”

“Eternal Economists” announced today new “family discount” and corporate “employee benefit plans.” Whether they are terrorists or an ambitious startup company, the boundary line shines as ephemerally and ironically as a shooting star. The era when the meaning of looking up at the night sky to remember the deceased is questioned by the credit card bill amount is just around the corner.

Stakeholder Comments

• Anonymous bereaved family: “If my grandmother can keep flying through space for ¥980 a month, it’s cheap. The public service was free, but the location information was always buggy.”
• Eternal Economists PR representative: “We just want to provide the deceased with a more stable second life. This is business.”
• Late Mr. Suzuki’s (88 years old) ash capsule: “I’d be a bit embarrassed to become a shooting star…”
• Government task force staff: “It’s not written in space law or the Cybersecurity Basic Act. Should we launch the six-volume legal code as debris…?”
• Professor Chino (socio-economics): “The idea that cancellation leads to immediate atmospheric re-entry has something in common with modern employment systems. Very suggestive indeed.”
• Competing private space funeral service company CEO: “We have re-recognized the importance of customer support. Our company will also introduce a chatbot next month.”
• Satellite in low orbit: “I thought it had gotten livelier with more colleagues recently… So some will get evicted for rent delinquency.”
• The concept of subscription: “I never thought I’d intrude even into the afterlife. Please cancel before crossing the River Sanzu.”
• Former app development company staff: “I never thought the phrase ‘perpetual memorial’ in the specifications would be realized in this form…”
• Shooting star: “So I was a paid option. No wonder I’ve been getting so much work lately.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Starry autumn night / Grandma’s location costs / Nine hundred yen
• In the autumn sky / A subscription-expired / Shooting star falls
• Is cancellation / A fiery end, Grandma? / Atmosphere burns bright
• In orbit above / Even the deceased worry / About renewal day
• Hacked and transformed / Even eternal farewell / Becomes monthly pay
• Looking at galaxies / My account balance / Weighs on my mind
• Looking up I see / The light trail of payment / Stretching across sky
• “Is there a discount / For the next life?” I ask / AI responds
• Space debris formed / From those who didn’t / Pay the subscription
• Even to the afterlife / The invoice follows / Relentlessly

Kanji / Chinese Characters

故人遺灰 定額課金化 宇宙葬電脳攻撃 遺族月額低軌道維持案提示 追加料金流星演出可

Emoji

👵➡️⚱️➡️🚀➡️🛰️➡️💻💥➡️👨‍💻➡️📱➡️💸(¥980)🌠

Onomatopoeia

Silence…, Beep-beep-beep, Crash!… Murmur-murmur…, Whoooosh…, Twinkle-twinkle-twinkle☆, Cha-ching♪

SNS

• #GrandmaOnSubscription
• #JustOrderedTheShootingStarOption
• #SpaceFuneralHackerPlanIsLegendary
• #WhatWasThePublicServiceFor
• #WhatHappensIfYouCancel
• #AfterlifeAsAService
• #FirstMonthFreeWorthATry
• #BondWithDeceasedAlsoSubscription
• #PaymentMethodCreditCardOnly
• #UltimateEndOfLifePlanningInAWay