Scientists Announce "The Secret to Longevity is in Your Right Arm." All of Humanity Becomes Popeye, Can No Longer Fit Through Doors

A paper announced that longevity genes are concentrated in the right bicep, and the world reacted immediately. Training the left arm was deemed "a waste of time," and the streets became flooded with people whose right arms had grown abnormally large. They constantly get stuck at narrow doors and automatic ticket gates, and the latest urban designs are considering the introduction of "Popeye-only lanes."

2025-11-01

Translations: JA

Muscle Arena

Scientists Announce "The Secret to Longevity is in Your Right Arm." All of Humanity Becomes Popeye, Can No Longer Fit Through Doors

A paper announced that longevity genes are concentrated in the right bicep, and the world reacted immediately. Training the left arm was deemed “a waste of time,” and the streets became flooded with people whose right arms had grown abnormally large. They constantly get stuck at narrow doors and automatic ticket gates, and the latest urban designs are considering the introduction of “Popeye-only lanes.”

A paper published by Dr. Alberto Schweinssteiger of the International Institute of Longevity Genetics (IILG) in the prestigious scientific journal Nature of Asymmetry is literally “tilting” the world. According to the paper, analysis of the genes of centenarians revealed that the longevity gene “Мафусаил-2 (Methuselah-Two)” tends to be activated only within the muscle fibers of the right bicep.

This shocking discovery quickly captivated health-conscious people around the world. Fitness gyms turned into battlegrounds for right-arm dumbbells, and left-arm training equipment was piled up in garbage disposal areas as “unscientific relics.” Unscientific rumors spread that “left-handed people can’t live long,” and left-handed people were seen everywhere frantically practicing holding chopsticks with their right hands.

Social infrastructure cannot cope with this rapid morphological change in humanity and is screaming. People cause traffic jams at every door and every ticket gate, and walking diagonally “right-arm first” has become a new life strategy. The apparel industry saw this as an opportunity and urgently released “asymmetry shirts” made of materials with extremely thick right sleeves with high elasticity, achieving record sales.

This phenomenon has created a new market called the “One-Arm Economy.” Products such as right-arm-only ergonomic mice and doorknobs that can be opened using only the power of the right arm through the principle of leverage are being developed one after another. Handshakes, once a sign of affection, are now considered a dangerous act where right arms collide with each other, and are being replaced by “digital shake hands” where avatars wave at each other online.

Professor Hiroshi Tomadoi (Social Semiotics) of Toto University calmly analyzes this strange social transformation. “This is a grand social experiment in which humanity is willing to sacrifice physical balance, beauty, and even convenience for the ultimate goal of longevity. The enlarged right arm can be said to be a living monument symbolizing the anxiety and hope of modern people,” he said, looking somewhat pleased.

The government is not sitting idly by either. The Ministry of Land, Infrastructure, Transport and Tourism is considering enacting the “Wall Demolition Ordinance,” which would expand the entrance width of public facilities to a minimum of 1.5 meters. There are also rumors that the Ministry of Finance is planning to secure new financial resources by introducing a “Popeye tax” in which the tax amount changes according to the strength of the right arm.

However, when asked by our newspaper, Dr. Schweinssteiger himself, who made this discovery of the century, replied in writing: “I overworked my right arm typing the paper and am currently recuperating from De Quervain’s disease. Fortunately, I’m originally left-handed.” The secret to longevity may not be in training the right arm, but rather in not using it.

In order to obtain the Holy Grail of longevity, humanity has chosen a “tilted future” that is inconvenient and ungainly. Only the giant right arms that continue to groan at the gym today know whether the outcome will be glory or just a laughing matter.

Stakeholder Comments

Dr. Alberto Schweinssteiger “My paper only showed correlation. I never imagined everyone would be unable to fit through doors… This is beyond my expectations.”
Gym Trainer “Left arm? Oh, it’s just a support for holding the protein shaker. Nothing more, nothing less.”
Door “Please, have mercy. My shoulders are being dislocated every day. My hinges are screaming.”
Right Bicep “I’m pumped with expectations and protein! But I’d like a break sometimes…”
Left Bicep “……”
Apparel Designer “I never thought asymmetry would become the ultimate trend in this way. Fashion is profound.”
Urban Designer “From now on, architecture will be based on ‘diagonal flow lines.’ All corridors will be walked through sideways like a crab.”
Popeye (Anime Character) “My time has finally come! Everyone, don’t forget the spinach! Gahahaha!”
Spinach Farmer “I want to ride on Popeye’s popularity, but for some reason sales are flat. I don’t understand.”
Automatic Ticket Gate “Error! Error! I Was Not Told About Such Wide Shoulders!”

International Expressions

Haiku

Right arm grows strong / longevity promised / can’t pass through doors
Autumn sky above / left arm lonely / forgotten side
Dumbbell’s echo / lopsided in the gym / afternoon weight
No handshakes now / digital greetings / friends grow distant
One-sleeved shirts / new fashion trend / breezy one side
Imbalance reigns / called evolution too / winter cicada
At ticket gates / Popeyes stuck and sighing / morning commute
Spinach forgotten / muscle training prevails / green leaves wilt
For long life / will you bend / body’s balance
Doctor laughs / left hand my favored / irony blooms

Kanji / Chinese Characters

長寿遺伝子右上腕二頭筋集中論文発表世界即座反応左腕鍛錬無駄街右腕異常肥大化人々溢狭扉自動改札常閉塞最新都市設計専用路導入検討

Emoji

🧬➡️💪➡️👴👵 / 🏋️‍♂️(❌👈✅👉) / 🚶‍♂️💪💥🚪 / 🚇💥🧍‍♂️ / 🏙️🚧➡️💪🚶‍♂️🛣️

Onomatopoeia

Muki-muki, gugugu…! Dossun! Gan! Zawa-zawa… kusu-kusu… Pikon, pikon! (Error sound) Shuru-shuru… (Sound of one-sleeved shirt fluttering in the wind) Kari-kari… (Sound of doctor writing with left hand)