UN Security Council Unanimously Adopts "Matcha Frappuccino as Crime Against Humanity" in Emergency Session

The UN Security Council has declared green beverages served in cafes worldwide as "an unforgivable attack on culture." Reports indicate that peacekeeping forces have been deployed to cafes in major cities, confiscating donuts sprinkled with green powder as "cultural weapons of mass destruction."

2025-11-13

Translations: JA

Social Lab

UN Security Council Unanimously Adopts "Matcha Frappuccino as Crime Against Humanity" in Emergency Session

In the early hours of the 2nd, the UN Security Council convened an emergency session and unanimously adopted a resolution declaring “matcha frappuccinos” and similar green beverages served in cafes worldwide as “a systematic and widespread attack on cultural dignity” constituting a “crime against humanity.” Based on this historic resolution, UN peacekeeping forces (PKO) deployed in various countries have begun mandatory inspections of cafe chains in major cities, sequentially confiscating cupcakes topped with green cream and donuts sprinkled with vibrant powder on suspicion of being “cultural weapons of mass destruction.”

The catalyst was a draft resolution submitted by a permanent member titled “Resolution Concerning the Protection of the Spiritual Purity of Tea Ceremony.” The representative of the submitting nation tearfully delivered a speech: “The spirit of wabi-sabi cultivated over hundreds of years is being mercilessly trampled by whipped cream and excessive sugar. This is a quiet cultural genocide.” With complex national interests intertwined, the Security Council—previously criticized for dysfunction during numerous humanitarian crises—reached agreement on this matter with remarkable speed. A diplomatic source cynically remarked, “It seems sweet beverages achieve consensus among nations far more easily than serious conflicts.”

The adopted Resolution 2833 (commonly known as: Matcha Protection Act) restricts matcha use to instances where it is “whisked with a chasen (bamboo whisk), with sugar limited to small amounts of wasanbon (traditional Japanese sugar).” Cafe operators who violate this are required to attend 300 hours of tea ceremony training hosted by the UN, with training costs naturally being self-funded. Already in New York’s downtown area, soldiers in blue helmets have been reported storming popular cafes, shouting “Illegal sweet syrup addition confirmed!” while escorting baristas away.

Civil society is greatly shaken by this unprecedented situation. On social media, hashtags like “#SaveTheFrappuccino” and “#JeSuisMatchaLatte” (I am matcha latte) have rapidly trended. Influencers are posting videos of making matcha lattes at home one after another, declaring “This is oppression of freedom of expression,” taking on the appearance of a “Green Resistance” movement.

Professor Jean-Pierre Baudrillard of the International Institute for Cultural Exchange warns, “Culture is inherently dynamic, constantly mixing and changing. This resolution is like imprisoning culture in a museum display case, signifying the death of culture itself.” Meanwhile, the representative of the fundamentalist cultural organization “Friends of Tea Ceremony,” which strongly supports the resolution, speaks enthusiastically: “Finally, the world has listened to our cry. Next will be Napolitan pasta and California rolls,” making no effort to hide their ambition for further cultural purification.

The “Green Hunt” by peacekeeping forces continues to intensify, with confiscated “cultural weapons of mass destruction” reportedly piled up in the courtyard of UN headquarters. One soldier spoke with an exhausted expression: “This is mentally harder than missions in Syria or Congo. It’s my first time at a site that smells sweet.”

As world leaders turn away from real threats and entrust the order of international society to cafe menus, a single cup of sweet green beverage bitterly and ironically reflects the fragility and absurdity of modern civilization. What will be the next target? The world’s dining tables now tremble before the capricious tongues of the Security Council.

Stakeholder Comments

UN Secretary-General: “For the maintenance of world peace and security, we start with overly sweet matcha lattes. We want to steadily solve problems one by one.”
Cafe Barista: “For a moment, I thought being raided by the UN might be better than being asked about syrup amounts in millimeters. Just for a moment.”
Mr. Matcha Frappuccino (Concept): “I just wanted to make people smile… I never imagined becoming an international issue like this.”
Spirit of Sen no Rikyu: “Without my knowledge, things have become quite serious. Well, sweet things are fine once in a while, aren’t they?”
Peacekeeping Force Soldier: “Yesterday donuts, today muffins confiscated. Though it’s our mission, this sweet aroma significantly lowers soldier morale.”
Confiscated Donut (Last Words): “My life was as fleeting as powdered sugar…”
Cultural Purist: “This is a battle to protect cultural dignity! Whipped cream is not a demilitarized neutral zone!”
General Consumer: “Calling my usual comfort a ‘crime.’ I don’t know what I can trust to drink anymore.”
Tea Leaves (Raw Material): “Never did we imagine our descendants would be treated as international terrorists…”
Whipped Cream (Accomplice Suspect): “I just wanted to smooth things over. Really.”

International Expressions

Haiku

Blue helmets raid / Confiscating green foam / Winter cafe dawn
Wabi-sabi sinks / To the bottom of cream / Lost in sweetness now
Winter cafe air / Crime against humanity / Fragrance rising high
Security Council / Determines latte sweetness / What world is this now
Frappuccino asks / Who says I disturb the peace / Green and innocent
Chasen bamboo weeps / As syrup ocean spreads wide / Tradition drowning
Even donuts now / Classified as weapons / The world has gone mad
Reading resolution / So sweet my teeth dissolve / Absurdity peaks
Green hunt begins / Cafe silence shattered / Blue helmets advance
Culture’s true nature / Mixing and evolving / Cannot be contained

Kanji / Chinese Characters

国連安保理緊急会合緑飲物文化攻撃断定平和維持軍主要都市展開緑粉末ドーナツ文化的破壊兵器押収報告

Emoji

🇺🇳🚨🏛️⚖️🥤🟢➡️🚫💥🔫🍩🍰➡️👮‍♂️

Onomatopoeia

Murmur murmur… Chatter chatter… Whirr! Whoooosh! (Espresso machine sounds)… Wee-oo! Wee-oo! (Sirens) Bang! Thud thud! (PKO raid) Kyaaah! “Freeze!” “That’s illegal cream!”… Drip drip… (Melting frappuccino)