"Persuade Bears with Bench Press" - City Hall Passes Japan's First Muscle Ordinance for Wildlife Control

An end to bear encounters at last? A city hall has adopted the slogan “Muscle over Dialogue” and established the “Muscle Patrol Squad” staffed by bodybuilders. Squad members are required to perform intimidating poses when encountering bears. However, recent unconfirmed reports suggest that the sound of protein shakers being rattled has been heard deep in the forest, and bears have begun bulking up in response.

The problem of bear damage has plagued local governments across the country for many years. Electric fences, capture, and ecological surveys by experts have all been implemented, but no fundamental solution has been reached. To break this deadlock, the Reiho City Council, surrounded by mountains, passed the “Ordinance for Promoting Coexistence with Wild Birds and Animals through Muscular Strength,” commonly known as the “Muscle Ordinance,” this month with a unanimous vote (one abstention due to “strained back”).

At the core of the ordinance is the establishment of the “Muscle Patrol Squad,” independently organized by the city. The hiring criteria are a bench press of 150 kg or more, or those with “overwhelming persuasiveness” equivalent to it, and applicants from all over the country have flooded in. Their mission is extremely simple. When encountering a bear, rather than using guns or tranquilizers, they use their trained bodies to perform intimidating poses such as “double biceps” or “lat spread” to demonstrate the difference in status as primates and encourage the bears to retreat voluntarily.

“Because they are opponents with whom we cannot communicate through words, we should speak to them in the universal language of ‘muscle,’” says Mayor Tanaka, who is muscular and promoted the ordinance. At the city council, the mayor gave an impassioned speech, interspersed with stories from his own cutting phase, saying, “Rather than bringing them to the negotiating table, by becoming objects of awe ourselves, we can build a new relationship where we respect each other’s territories.” It is easy to imagine that his powerful biceps captured the hearts of the exhausted council members.

Initially, this “Bicep Diplomacy” seemed to be working. When the patrol squad began posing, many bears were confused by the strange movements of these unknown creatures and retreated back into the forest. Citizens reported comments such as “My grandchild stopped crying” and “I feel so safe,” and the city’s website temporarily crashed due to the overwhelming attention.

However, the peace did not last long. In recent weeks, there have been multiple reports of strange sounds coming from the mountains. A rhythmic sound of “shake, shake, shake…” and occasionally a deep roar. Furthermore, patrol squad members have begun to report that “the bears we encountered clearly have broader shoulders than before” and “next to the claw marks, there are unnaturally deeply gouged marks that look like dumbbells.”

The clincher was a huge empty protein container discovered by a hiker. The city initially took a wait-and-see approach, saying “it must be something a squad member left behind,” but DNA testing confirmed that the hair attached to the container matched that of an Asiatic black bear. At this point, the hard-to-believe hypothesis that “bears are imitating our tactics and embarking on their own body modification” has gained credibility.

The city has convened an emergency countermeasures meeting and is considering strengthening the training menu for the patrol squad and increasing the protein budget. An endless “muscle-building arms race” is about to begin between humans and bears. Will the day come when they sweat together not at a negotiating table but at the same power rack? The future of Reiho City rests on those thick pectorals.

Stakeholder Comments

• Muscle Patrol Squad Captain: “Words are unnecessary. Muscle is the message of justice. Recently, the gaze I feel from the forest has clearly changed to one that sees us as ‘worthy opponents’.”
• Mayor Tanaka: “This is not administrative rigidity, this is pectoral rigidity! Bear bulking up? Bring it on. The safety of our citizens will be protected by heavier deadlifts!”
• Forest Bear (anonymous): “I was scared at first, but that movement clearly focuses on the posterior deltoid. When I tried it, I’ve been able to open honey jar lids more easily lately. I’m grateful.”
• Local Hunters Association President (78): “In my day, we faced them with the wisdom of Matagi hunters… Well, if muscles can solve it, that’s the way of the times. Maybe I’ll bring them some protein as a gift.”
• Authority on Animal Behavior: “This is an unprecedented case. Cultural transmission among mammals has been confirmed, but I never imagined that training culture would be transmitted across species… They may be forming a ‘forest gym’.”
• Protein Shaker: “Shake shake! Don’t think only humans shake me! Lately they’re so strong I’m about to break!”
• City Council Member (abstained): “I told you so… We should have discussed it with our backs firmly planted… Ouch, my back…”
• City Finance Department Staff: “The requested protein budget is about to exceed the city’s education budget… All we can do is laugh.”
• Bench Press Bench: “Lately, I feel a hot gaze from the direction of the forest, and a faint scent of beasts… No way.”
• Biceps: “It’s our turn… It’s our turn, right? I understand. I’ll respond with the best pump.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Bear’s forest / Protein scent drifts / Autumn wind
• Flexing biceps / Into the mountains / To persuade
• Winter hibernation / What awaits is bench / Press bench
• Through muscle strength / Can peace be achieved / Moon over peaks
• Roaring voice / Bench creaking or / Beast’s call
• Shaker’s sound / Echoes forth / In bear country
• Posing / Halted the beast / Reflected in autumn leaves
• The ordinance is / Muscle language / And nothing else
• Competing / Pectorals in / Deepening autumn
• Glaring at each other / Beast and human and / Protein

Kanji / Chinese Characters

熊出没 市役所 対話否 対筋力 条例可決 隊員遭遇時 威嚇義務 森奥 蛋白粉 振音 熊逆肉体改造

Emoji

🐻🆚💪➡️📜✅➡️ patrol ➡️🏋️‍♂️🕺➡️🐻🤔➡️🌳➡️🥤🎶➡️🐻💪⁉️

Onomatopoeia

Muki-muki, Funn! Gaoo! Za-za… Pita! (Posing) Kyoton… …Suta-suta-suta… Shaka-shaka-shaka! Guooooooo! Doshin! Doshin!

SNS

• #MuscleOrdinance
• #MuscleOverDialogue
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• #ReihoOnTheHumanFrontline
• #BearsDoMuscleTrainingToo
• #MyTaxesGoToProtein
• #LetsMakeOurPatrolSquadLikeThis
• #MuscleNeverBetraysButBearsMimic
• #ForestGymMembershipOpen
• #OnlyMuscleRemainsForHumanity