Cabinet Decides to Bet Entire Next Year's Budget on "Boat Race." Winner Takes All.

Frustrated with the inefficiency of parliamentary deliberations, the government has decided through a Cabinet meeting to hold the “First G1 Government Derby,” where the entire next year’s budget will be wagered. The Ministry of Finance’s boat is equipped with the latest AI odds prediction system, which experts praise as “the most fair and transparent budget allocation.”

On the 11th, the government decided through a Cabinet meeting to fundamentally revise the allocation method for next year’s national budget of approximately 114 trillion yen, determining it through an inter-ministerial boat race called the “First G1 Government Derby” funded with the entire amount. By condensing parliamentary deliberations that last several months into a mere 12-minute race, they claim this is a groundbreaking attempt to reduce approximately 5,000 hours of annual deliberation time while achieving both “work style reform” and “swift decision-making.”

Each ministry will compete in the race with specially developed boats. The Ministry of Defense is entering the state-of-the-art stealth boat “Kuroshio,” which can neutralize enemy jamming signals; the Ministry of Land, Infrastructure, Transport and Tourism has “Arakawa,” which boasts astonishing acceleration power utilizing dam discharge technology; and the Ministry of Agriculture, Forestry and Fisheries is launching “Housaku,” an eco-boat that runs on biofuel and becomes edible after reaching the goal. Among them, the favorite to win is the Ministry of Finance’s AI-equipped boat “Oracle.” An AI that has deep-learned the past 50 years of parliamentary answers, minutes, and even SNS posts by opposition party members will calculate the optimal route and winning probability in real-time, giving instructions to the minister at the helm.

Chief Cabinet Secretary Sugawara declared at a press conference, “Budget compilation until now has been backroom politics swayed by the loud opinions of a few. The result on the water without a single cloud is the true reflection of the people’s will and a new form of participatory democracy.” Additionally, public viewings of the race are planned nationwide, and a system has been introduced where citizens can directly support (invest in) their preferred ministry by purchasing “ministry bonds.”

Regarding this unprecedented decision, Professor Yamanobe of Toto University (Comparative Politics) criticized it as “a violent act that fundamentally overturns the raison d’être of the legislature,” but with a complicated expression noted, “However, there’s no doubt it will get better ratings than parliamentary broadcasts. The side effect of increased interest in politics cannot be ignored.” Meanwhile, economic commentator Zaizen lavished praise, saying, “The most efficient resource allocation based on market principles. AI odds are far more objective than conventional assessments. National governance has finally evolved to this point.”

Financial markets have already reacted sensitively, with futures trading of “ministry bonds” beginning, and attention from overseas hedge funds as “Government Gambling Bonds.” While the yen exchange rate has fluctuated wildly, the government has expressed the view that “this too is the healthy dynamism of the market.”

While opposition parties strongly object, calling it “turning the nation into a gambling hall,” public reaction is divided. An office worker (32) says, “If how it’s used is already decided anyway, it’s better if we can enjoy it as an event,” while a housewife (45) enthuses, “I’m betting my entire fortune on my ‘favorite ministry,’ the Ministry of the Environment.” A kind of festival mood is beginning to spread.

From the ring called parliament to the battleground called water. Is there a future for this country beyond the boats carrying 114 trillion yen in dreams? Citizens are holding their breath, watching the direction of the splashing water.

Stakeholder Comments

• Prime Minister Kishigami: “I will take the helm at the front. Citizens, please believe in me and follow. I will escape from the inside course.”
• Ministry of Finance AI “Oracle”: ‘Analyzing past answer data, I judge that a “wrap-up pass” at the second turn mark is effective for evading opposition party questioning.’
• National Budget 114 Trillion Yen-san: “I never thought I would become the subject of a wager… I feel a bit lighter, but I’m worried I might disappear as foam.”
• Opposition Party Leader: “I want to say absolutely opposed! But our party will also compete with the ‘Reform,’ aiming for a change of government!”
• Veteran Boat Racer: “The ministers’ motor adjustments are completely amateur. But that might actually make the race more interesting.”
• Racetrack Motor: “Whoever rides me, I just run at full power. The nation’s future? I don’t give a damn.”
• The Concept of Fairness: “I’m happy to have many appearances lately. I never thought I’d be realized in a boat race.”
• Water Spray: “Whoever wins, our only role is to ambiguously wet everything.”
• Overseas Investor: “This is the most exciting government bond I’ve ever seen. I’m buying all the Japanese yen and betting on the ‘Ministry of Finance’ to win!”
• Citizens (Taxpayers): “In the end, our money just flies away as usual. But well, it’s interesting so whatever…”

International Expressions

Haiku

• In the frost month / racing across the water / national budget
• AI shows / the navigation route / winter waves
• Trillions of yen / disappearing as foam / turn mark
• The parliament / has become quiet / motor sound
• The destination / of tax payments told / water spray
• Favorite ministry / cheering voices shouting / winter approaching
• On the handlebars / the nation’s fate / December wind
• The Diet building / seeing in the distance / cutting through waves
• Betting on fairness / a flash / winter river
• Without deliberation / the future decided / cold crows

Kanji / Chinese Characters

政府来年度予算全額競艇賭博閣議決定 財務省舟搭載AI最新予測公平予算配分専門家絶賛

Emoji

🏛️➡️🚤💨🌊💰🏆

Onomatopoeia

Vroom! Splash splash splash! Murmur… Waaah! Beep beep (AI calculation sound) Whoosh… “No objections!” “Vote!” (distant memory) Whine! (Motor sound) Ching ching (ministry bond purchase sound)

SNS

• #GovernmentDerby
• #MyFavoriteMinistryIsEducation
• Ministry of Finance AI odds are insane
• #BudgetIsForBetting
• 100 times more interesting than parliament
• Our democracy enters the next stage
• Defense Ministry’s stealth boat can’t be seen
• Agriculture Ministry’s boat can be eaten after the race lol
• #NewFormOfTaxes
• Got seats for public viewing!