"Pigeon Ash Removes Stains Best" - Government Launches "Miracle Stain Remover" Made from Spontaneously Combusting Animals

An unexpected byproduct of new energy policy has captured the hearts of homemakers. The powder made from the ashes of animals that suddenly burst into flames on city streets reportedly removes even the most stubborn stains instantly. Environmental groups decry the lack of ethics, but the Consumer Affairs Agency hotline is flooded with requests like “I want to try crow ash next.”

The government’s “Next-Generation Urban Grid Initiative” has revolutionized household laundry in an unexpected way. A special resonance frequency generated from the high-density energy network spread throughout urban infrastructure reacts with the body tissue of certain birds—primarily pigeons—causing frequent spontaneous combustion. The government has classified this as an “unforeseen urban purification process” and has been collecting the extremely high-purity carbon ash produced as a byproduct. This ash has now been commercialized as the miracle stain remover “Pure Ash” in collaboration with the Consumer Affairs Agency.

This powder, also called “a gift from the heavens,” has remarkable performance in bonding with organic stains like ketchup and wine at the molecular level and decomposing them instantly. Dr. Tanaka from the National Institute of Energy Circulation, who was involved in development, proudly states: “This is the ultimate circular economy. Pigeons, once considered urban nuisances, have been elevated to resources that enrich our lives. It’s truly a sustainable miracle.”

On launch day, long lines formed at Tokyo supermarkets before opening. One housewife (48) who purchased the product said with tears in her eyes: “The curry stain from my son’s shirt that nothing could remove before disappeared with just a light rub. It’s like magic. I can only thank the pigeons. To think they contribute to society until the very moment they burn up…” On social media, “#ThankYouPigeons” is trending, with endless praise for its cleaning power.

However, there are moves to dampen this enthusiasm. The International Animal Rights Protection Organization (IARPO) issued a statement condemning it as “an unprecedented desecration that trivializes the dignity of life into powdered detergent.” Domestic animal welfare groups are also holding protests in front of the National Diet Building with placards reading “A pigeon’s life is worth more than a stain” and “Your white shirt is their tombstone.”

In response to this ethical dilemma, the government spokesperson stated at a regular press conference: “This product is merely the effective utilization of byproducts from an unavoidable phenomenon. We are not taking lives; we are simply paying respect to nature’s cycle and enjoying its blessings.” He added, “In the future, we are also considering expanding the product lineup to include crows, known for their higher combustion power, and starlings, whose mass arrivals have become problematic,” adding ash—rather than fuel—to the fire of debate.

Professor Suzuki of Tokyo Metropolitan University (Social Ethics) warns: “This is a microcosm of modern society where convenience paralyzes ethical thinking. People feel relieved by the whiteness of their stain-free shirts and turn away from the gray reality that is the source of that whiteness. Perhaps our ethics are being rinsed away every time we run the washing machine.”

Laundry washed pure white flutters in the blue sky. Somewhere in that sky, today again, one by one, small flames rise, eventually becoming glittering ash that drifts down. What exactly is our clean daily life built upon?

Stakeholder Comments

• Government Official: “This is the ultimate eco-friendly approach aiming for zero waste. Criticism is unwarranted. This is an innovation that should be praised.”
• Developer Dr. Tanaka: “The calcium phosphate in pigeons produces an exquisite catalytic effect. It’s truly a mystery of nature.”
• Housewife (48): “I can’t live without it anymore. When I look up at the sky and see a pigeon, I catch myself thinking ‘That would make good ash…’ It scares me a little. Ohoho.”
• IARPO Spokesperson: “They named this product ‘Pure.’ There is no greater irony.”
• Soul of a Burned-Out Pigeon: “Coo coo coo… (Translation: It was hot. But if I could become someone’s stain remover, I have no regrets… probably)”
• Ketchup Stain: “Complete defeat. To be decomposed by such smooth powder… How mortifying.”
• Mr. Dress Shirt: “I have never shone this white. I don’t want to think about the background, but honestly, I feel fantastic.”
• Professor Suzuki (Social Ethics): “The ancients said, ‘Once past the throat, the heat is forgotten.’ Now it’s ‘Once the stain is gone, the burning pigeon is forgotten.’”
• Crow: “We’re next? Caw! Don’t mess with us! Our ash is blacker and more powerful!”
• The Sky: “Every day, small fireworks go up and disappear. I just quietly look down upon them.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Pigeon ash / Returns to the white shirt / As if coming home
• Winter sky / A sudden flame scatters / The city bird
• Wishing for / A world without stains / The pigeon burns
• Washing machine / Spinning ethics and / A white shirt
• Looking up / At the drifting ash / Hoping for clear skies tomorrow
• Becoming soot / A life that removes / Stains
• An afternoon / Where park pigeons / Look like resources
• Not yakitori / But flames ascending / To the heavens
• Sustainable / Chanted to the end / Pigeon shower
• Sprinkle it / And sins and stains / Vanish in ash

Kanji / Chinese Characters

新政策 意外 副産物 主婦熱狂 街中 動物 突然 発火 灰 原料 粉末 頑固 汚 一瞬 消去 環境団体 倫理 欠如 訴 消費者庁 窓口 次 烏灰 試 声 殺到

Emoji

🕊️🔥➡️💨➡️🧴➡️👕✨🌍🤔

Onomatopoeia

Coo coo coo… Whoosh!… Patter patter… Silky smooth… Scrub scrub… Swoosh… Sparkle~!

SNS

• #PureAshIsGod
• #ThankYouPigeonsSoMuch
• #CantUseOtherDetergentsAnymore
• #WhatIsEthics
• #WhatIsSustainable(Philosophy)
• This is the ultimate upcycling
• So white it’s blinding
• Can’t tell if it’s eco-friendly or not
• Hoping for crow ash Black Model next
• Laundry is so easy now I’m worried about the sky