Auteur Director Demands 'Reshoot' of Spaceship Crash Site, Furious That Debris 'Lacks Narrative Quality'

A legendary film director, appointed by the government to chair the investigation into a spaceship crash, was seen wielding a megaphone at the site, shouting “This wreckage isn’t emotional enough!” It has been revealed that he prioritized “visual appeal as an opening scene” over determining the cause, and instructed the investigation team to submit the accident report in screenplay format.

Last week, the next-generation space cargo vessel “Kibo-7” crashed into the Pacific Ocean. To determine the cause and fulfill its accountability to the public, the government made the unusual decision to appoint film director Jean-Pierre Bertolucci (78) as the head of the investigation committee. A government spokesperson explained the appointment in somewhat poetic terms, saying it was “to convey the full picture of the accident as a ‘story’ that resonates with the hearts of the people, not just through scientific knowledge.” However, that choice has brought chaos to the site.

According to sources, when Bertolucci was presented with the salvaged wreckage for investigation, he crossed his arms and fell into deep silence before suddenly picking up a megaphone. “No good, absolutely no good! There’s no philosophy in the way these fragments are scattered. It’s too flat for the introduction to a tragedy!” he reportedly bellowed, as if giving notes to an assistant director. He further instructed, “Where’s the lighting crew! I want to reshoot this with the western sun hitting it at an angle. Let’s get some smoke going too, to create more of a sense of despair.” He allegedly told the bewildered investigators, “Physics is important, but you should be more conscious of the golden ratio,” turning the scene into something resembling a location scout for an epic sci-fi film.

Bertolucci’s rampage shows no signs of stopping. He has taken to calling the investigation team’s regular meetings “script conferences” and dismissing hypotheses about the accident’s cause as “plot holes.” He began drawing three-act structure diagrams on the whiteboard instead of metal fatigue calculations, passionately explaining, “We need a ‘protagonist’ that the audience (the public) can emotionally connect with—in other words, a defective part. We need to dig into its ‘backstory.’” This left the scientists utterly dumbfounded.

And yesterday, the committee finalized its policy to submit the final accident report in full screenplay format, complete with stage directions, character dialogue, and scene settings. The report’s title is “Requiem for Stardust (Working Title).” The conclusion regarding the cause of the accident is expected to be written as narration for the climax scene. Some cultural critics have praised this, saying, “Sublimating facts into entertainment—this is the true essence of Cool Japan.” However, the Science Academy issued a statement harshly condemning it as “a desecration of the pursuit of truth and an act that destroys the boundary between fiction and reality.” Public opinion is also divided.

Just how will the truth behind the accident be delivered to us as a “story” through Director Bertolucci’s editing? The wrap-up of the investigation remains undetermined, but there are already reports of unofficial discussions within the government about “the possibility of a sequel or spin-off.” It seems we live in an age where a memorable ending is more sought after than the truth.

Stakeholder Comments

• Director Jean-Pierre Bertolucci: “The truth is always boring. That’s precisely why we artists must frame it in the beautiful picture frame of a story.”
• Chief Investigator of the Accident Team: “When I showed him a logarithmic graph, he said, ‘That curve isn’t sensual, is it?’ I just want to go home.”
• Government Spokesperson: “This is, so to speak, an agile incident-narrative construction to promote understanding among the public. Yes, that’s exactly what it is.”
• Wreckage of the Spaceship “Kibo-7”: “If I was going to crash anyway, I wish I’d been blown to smithereens and played the role of sparkling in the setting sun.”
• The Director’s Megaphone: “This is the first time I’ve shouted anything other than ‘Cut!’ My identity is wavering.”
• Screenwriters Guild Representative: “Accident reports are not our domain, but whether royalties will be generated is my only concern.”
• The Laws of Physics (Concept): “Lately, I feel like my appearances have been decreasing. Being twisted for the convenience of a narrative is quite offensive.”
• Narrative Quality (Concept): “I’ve finally made it into the realm of science. Next, I want to turn mathematical proofs into an epic.”
• Average Citizen A: “If they’re going to make it into a movie, I wonder who will star. That’s the most important thing.”
• AI Film Critic: “The plot lacks originality. References to past crash incidents are evident. Score: 52 out of 100.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Winter sky above / Debris holds within itself / A tale to be told
• Megaphone in hand / He seeks not truth but a frame / For his perfect shot
• Scraps of iron lie / The director declares them / Lacking in poetry
• The report is cold / Filled with stage directions / Winter’s emptiness
• Stars fall from the sky / Becoming a screenplay / On the winter sea
• Scientists bow heads / Listening to harsh critiques / From the auteur’s lips
• When will filming start / No one knows the schedule / For this inquiry
• What physical law / Explains the term “emotional” / In this strange context
• Sense of despair / Enhanced by artificial smoke / Art direction reigns
• Truth can be transformed / By the editor’s sharp cuts / Winter galaxy

Kanji / Chinese Characters

政府要請 宇宙船墜落 調査委員長 巨匠監督 就任 現場一喝 残骸非情緒的 原因究明 見栄優先 事故報告書 脚本形式 提出指示 判明

Emoji

🎬🚀💥🗣️📝😡

Onomatopoeia

RUMBLE RUMBLE… KABOOM!… silence… murmur murmur… “ROAR ROAR ROAR!” (the director’s angry shouts) Scratch scratch… (pen on paper) FLASH! FLASH! (camera flashes) Sigh… (haah…)

SNS

• #AccidentInvestigationAsEntertainment
• #LetBertolucciWriteTheScript
• #EmotionalDebris
• #AestheticsOverCauseAnalysis
• #WishMyCompanyReportsWereScreenplays
• #IsntTheTruthAlwaysOne
• #PhysicsCompletelyIgnored
• #RequiemForStardust
• #WhenIsTheWrap
• #WhoWillStar