Government Lures FIRE Retirees Back to Work with 'Planet Naming Rights.' Full-Time Work Could Spawn 'Ex-Manager' Stars in Our Solar System

As a last resort against labor shortages, the government has unveiled an extraordinary re-employment package for early retirees: the right to name a newly discovered planet in exchange for five days of full-time work per week. One recruited former consultant beamed, “My new purpose in life is naming a planet after my old boss and praying for daily asteroid strikes.”

In response to the worsening labor shortage, the government has launched a solution of astronomical proportions. On the 6th, the newly established “Office for Future Talent Utilization and Celestial Resource Development” under the Cabinet Office announced the launch of a re-employment support program dubbed the “Stellar Pension Plan,” targeting highly skilled individuals who have achieved Financial Independence, Retire Early (FIRE). This unprecedented program offers naming rights to a newly discovered dwarf planet in exchange for five years of full-time work, five days a week, in a designated position. The incentive structure also includes “promotions”—ten years of service earns naming rights to a regular planet, while twenty years unlocks the right to name an exoplanet.

This unconventional strategy is positioned as the “ultimate trump card” to bring back workers who were unmoved by traditional monetary incentives. Koichiro Hoshino, Director of the Office, proudly explained, “Many FIRE achievers seek not money but ‘purpose’ and ‘self-actualization.’ By offering the ultimate form of self-actualization—etching one’s name, or life memories, into the cosmos—we can channel their exceptional abilities back into society. This is a grand win-win relationship between the nation and the individual.” Government estimates suggest this plan could tap into a potential labor pool of at least several thousand people.

The inaugural recruit is Makoto Tanaka (42), who left a major consulting firm three years ago. After burning out and enjoying the FIRE lifestyle, he decided to apply, seeing it as “a once-in-a-millennium opportunity to settle personal grudges in space.” He has now returned to five-day-a-week work at an office in Kasumigaseki, reminiscent of his former grueling schedule. The dwarf planet he is set to name has already been given the tentative designation “Suzuki Bucho” (Director Suzuki). “I’ll keep working until that star gets swallowed by a black hole or smashed to smithereens by a giant asteroid. My morning commute has become a pilgrimage of revenge,” he said, his expression strangely filled with accomplishment.

However, experts have raised concerns about this groundbreaking (or perhaps outlandish) policy. The Astronomical Society of Japan issued a protest statement declaring, “Naming celestial bodies is a sacred act that should be based on mythology and universal concepts. Using it as an outlet for personal emotions is a desecration of the cosmos.” The International Astronomical Union (IAU) is also reportedly monitoring the situation, unofficially noting that it “may significantly deviate from the spirit of naming guidelines.” Labor experts have also sharply criticized the approach: “This is a stopgap measure that glosses over problems with quirky rewards while neglecting fundamental improvements to the work environment. It trades the dignity of work for personal vendettas.”

Behind the scenes, voices are already emerging about options trading for naming rights and concerns about international incidents caused by “flashy-name planets.” The government is reportedly considering expanding naming targets to include asteroids in the asteroid belt and undiscovered deep-sea creatures, depending on results.

The starry sky that people once gazed upon dreaming of freedom is now becoming a second workplace (or target of grudges). As we look up at the “Ex-Manager” stars twinkling in the night sky, we may find ourselves contemplating the future of work and the bottomless depths of human karma.

Stakeholder Comments

• First recruit Makoto Tanaka: “My KPI is the annual asteroid collision count on ‘Planet Suzuki Bucho.’ Target: 120% year-over-year increase.”
• Director Koichiro Hoshino (Office for Future Talent Utilization and Celestial Resource Development): “This is a new form of well-being. Work style reform for the space age that simultaneously achieves soul liberation and labor force security.”
• Astronomical Society of Japan Board Member: “The other day, someone applied to name a planet ‘Sparkly HR Manager.’ I felt dizzy. The stars are blameless.”
• Dwarf Planet Suzuki Bucho: “I keep sensing murderous intent from behind, and rocks keep flying at me. Did I do something?”
• The concept of the FIRE Movement: “What exactly was early retirement? We now stand before a philosophical question.”
• Former boss Director Suzuki (the actual person): “What an honor to have a star named after me! I was always popular with my subordinates. …Wait, why is that guy in a government project?”
• Labor union chairman: “I’m already dreading the day ‘asteroid naming rights’ comes up at wage negotiation tables.”
• Average office worker: “I want my company to adopt this too. But keep the salary the same, and instead of writing apology letters, let me write my boss’s name on an asteroid.”
• The Universe: “Well, in the long run, everything becomes dust… Feel free to do as you please.”
• Wife: “Every night my husband peers through his telescope muttering curses. It’s a bit scary.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Winter sky above / The manager’s name frozen / In eternal cold
• Retired at last / I look up and see the sky / Is my workplace now
• A shooting star falls / Is that a resignation? / I pray through the night
• Five days a week / At the end shines brightly / My grudge star
• Burnout complete / Now I ignite once more / The flames of revenge
• In the star’s name / Resentment embedded deep / Light years of grudges
• Through the telescope / I peer and see my old boss / Good evening to you
• Work hard each day / To carve into the cosmos / That damn bastard’s name
• Even the fixed stars / Must find this troublesome / This personnel move
• What is FIRE? / It means to light the flames / Of sweet revenge

Kanji / Chinese Characters

政府 労働力不足 早期退職者 再雇用 策 惑星 命名権 付与

Emoji

👨‍💼➡️🔥➡️🏖️➡️政府(📞)➡️👨‍💼🏢➡️🪐✨➡️🤬➡️☄️💥🪐(部長)

Onomatopoeia

Silence… Click-clack-click… Ugh… Sparkle! Murmur murmur… Step-step-step… Irritated… Rumble rumble… KABOOM!

SNS

• #PlanetManager
• #CosmicLevelPowerHarassmentRevenge
• #FromFIREtoReignited
• #MyPurposeIsPrayingForAsteroids
• #ThePayForLaborIsTooHeavy
• #SparklyNamePlanet
• #TodaysForecastForPlanetSuzukiBuchoIsAsteroidsFollowedByExplosion
• #JustLetEverythingGetSuckedIntoABlackHoleAlready
• #KasumigasekiLiteratureMasterpiece
• #IMightWantAnExGirlfriendPlanetToo