Rocket Explosion Sends Stock Soaring, CEO Tearfully Apologizes: "We'll Blow It Up Even More Spectacularly Next Time"

On the 23rd, space development company Icarus Holdings’ new rocket “Phoenix Error-X” exploded spectacularly shortly after launch, sending the company’s stock price to its first-ever daily limit-up since founding. The moment the craft transformed into a beautiful fireball, vaporizing along with the launchpad, a massive pre-contracted “launch failure insurance” payout and exclusive “Fail-tainment Rights” sales to streaming platforms were confirmed. This resulted in the company posting its highest quarterly profit ever—approximately 400 times the projected revenue had the rocket successfully reached orbit.

At an emergency press conference held that evening, CEO Burning Jones bowed deeply before the assembled reporters, dabbing his eyes with a handkerchief. “To our shareholders and to all the viewers who paid to watch this failure, I offer my sincerest apologies. The explosion was approximately 15% smaller than projected.” Jones tearfully apologized, adding with grim determination: “Due to a fuel tank placement error, we had planned to create a more artistic mushroom cloud, but the on-site safety checks were too thorough. I promise to deliver an even more spectacular, more beautiful explosion next time.”

The market responded favorably to this “sincere” attitude toward failure, with buy orders flooding in for Icarus stock. A major securities firm analyst noted, “In today’s space business, successful orbital insertion has become commoditized and no longer has news value.” “On the other hand, the catharsis of watching a multi-billion-dollar craft get blown to smithereens is the ultimate entertainment in our stifling modern society. Icarus has established an alchemy that elevates ‘failure’ into ‘high-value content,’” he praised highly, upgrading his investment rating to “Strong Buy.”

Behind this spectacular failure, a purge is sweeping through the development department. Evidence was found that part of the engineering team had attempted to “succeed if possible” in this launch. An internal investigation revealed that Chief Engineer Majime D. Gijutsu had harbored the extremely dangerous ideology that “rockets are meant to fly through the sky.” Management terminated him the same day, citing “the risk of accidentally succeeding and crashing the stock price.” In lieu of severance pay, he was presented with a charred piece of titanium alloy debris (market value: a few thousand yen), and as a preventive measure, the “Safety First” signs on site were removed and replaced with “Explosion First” slogans.

Regarding the future roadmap, Icarus announced a new project called “Project Catastrophe” aimed at “complete failure.” The next rocket will have double the explosives, and plans include a system allowing viewers wearing VR goggles to simulate the blast experience. Where technological progress will take humanity remains unclear, but one thing is certain: in today’s stock market, what flew highest was not the rocket, but the investors’ greed.

Stakeholder Comments

• CEO Burning Jones: “Anyone can succeed. We’re a team of professionals who sell calculated incompetence.”
• Institutional Investor: “What a magnificent explosion. The angle of the stock chart’s rise when debris hit the camera was more beautiful than the rocket’s trajectory.”
• Former Chief Engineer Gijutsu: “My calculations should have been perfect… Why was the explosion switch directly connected to the main circuit…?”
• Icarus Holdings PR: “That wasn’t a failure. It’s a new service called ‘Rapid Thermodynamic Disassembly Show.’”
• Rocket Debris: “I never thought I’d end up as someone’s severance pay. I feel heavier than the sky.”
• Failure Video Viewer: “Glad I subscribed! Pizza tastes best while watching other people’s money burn.”
• Insurance Company Rep: “Since our premium rates are astronomical, we’re actually profiting too. It’s Win-Win-Boom.”
• Labor Union Rep: “We argued that engineers wanting to ‘succeed’ is a basic human right, but management countered that it constitutes a conflict of interest.”
• Rival Company CEO: “Damn, we accidentally succeeded. We’re going to get crucified at the shareholders’ meeting.”
• Space: “…You don’t have to come, you know.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Thunder roars / Higher than clouds / Stock prices leap
• Winter sky / Scattered craft and / Engineer’s dreams
• Ground zero / Burns to profit / Alchemy
• Fearing success / Executives tremble / In their seats
• Flower of fire / Severance pay is / Pile of trash
• Investors’ laughter / Echoes across / Scorched earth
• Selling failure rights / Builds a mansion / From debris
• Shooting down / Birds that might / Accidentally fly
• Flames rise high / Online and sky alike / Turn to gold
• Debris flies / Next budget / Rains down

Kanji / Chinese Characters

機体蒸発最高益更新 失敗権利売却巨富 株主安堵涙 開発主任成功危惧解雇 退職金代破片贈呈

Emoji

🚀💥🔥😱📉➡️📈💰🤑👔🥂🚮👷😭🎬🌍🤡

Onomatopoeia

KA-BOOM! Cha-ching cha-ching. Crackle crackle, WHOOSH (stock price). Waaah waaah (crying CEO). TOSS (termination notice). Sparkle sparkle (burning debris). BWAHAHA!

SNS

• #IcarusExplode #OhWaitItDid
• Today’s explosion had high artistic points, right? The way the debris scattered was so aesthetic.
• Success = crash, what a capitalism bug lmao
• Chief engineer fired is hilarious. Is this the era of being arrested for success crimes?
• [SAD NEWS] My favorite rocket, instant death on launchpad again
• Subscribed to Fail-tainment Rights. Looking forward to next month’s explosion.
• Feel so bad for the engineer… wait, I laughed when I saw the stock price.
• So THIS is what they call disruptive innovation?
• Your company is better at launching stock prices than rockets.
• Even the safety cat would run away from this level of “All clear!”