Stranded Climber Survives on 'Self-Multiplying Pie,' Gains 20kg — Rescuers Find Tent 'Completely Filled with Pies'

A male office worker (34) from Tokyo, who was stranded in the snowy mountains of the Northern Alps and safely rescued early on the 6th, was found to have gained an unprecedented 20 kilograms during his ordeal. The cause was a next-generation bio-food called “Infinite Cream Pie” that the man had brought as emergency rations. This pie, which regenerates and splits within seconds from any bitten surface, had explosively multiplied inside the confined space of his tent, launching a physical and caloric saturation attack on the man.

According to the developer, biotech venture “Eternal Sweets Inc.,” this pie is an experimental product that incorporates the powerful regeneration genes of planaria into the molecular structure of wheat and fresh cream. Originally designed to solve world hunger, its multiplication power—seemingly defying the law of conservation of energy—bared its fangs in the extreme conditions of the snowy mountain. The man told the rescue team: “When I took one bite, before it could regenerate in my stomach, the next pie was already splitting on the plate. If I didn’t eat, the tent would burst, and I was gripped by the terror of being crushed to death before freezing.”

When the rescue team arrived at the scene and opened the tent zipper, a massive amount of cream pies reportedly poured out like an avalanche. “There was none of the typical tension of a rescue scene; the entire area was enveloped in the sickly sweet scent of vanilla essence,” the team leader noted with bewilderment in his report. The man was found buried up to his neck in a mountain of pies, clutching half-eaten pies in both hands. His expression was said to be filled not with the joy of survival, but with deep hatred for carbohydrates.

The company’s CEO, Toru Amari, commented: “We eliminated the greatest fear of being stranded—running out of food—so our technology can be called a success. Some obesity occurred as a side effect, but that’s better than dying. I’d rather praise the vitality of our customer who won the survival competition against the pies.” He announced that the company would not recall the product and would instead begin developing a “diet version with slower multiplication speed.” However, criticism has flooded the internet, with users calling it “a bio-dessert disaster, not a biohazard.”

Currently, the man is hospitalized in Tokyo, and his physical health is extremely good with no abnormalities except for his blood sugar levels. However, the psychological shock has been severe, and he reportedly experiences hyperventilation attacks just from seeing white, round objects. Is this a tragedy born of survival, or a comedy born of science? Humanity has come to chew on the terror of “too much” along with sweet cream, before ever learning to “know when enough is enough.”

Stakeholder Comments

• The stranded man: “I feel less like I was ‘rescued’ and more like I was ‘shipped out.’ I’ve consumed a lifetime’s worth of sugar.”
• Rescue Team Member A: “I’ve trained to dig through snow with a shovel, but I’ve never trained to dig through pies. The path was incredibly sticky.”
• Eternal Sweets Inc. PR: “‘Infinite’ is just a product name; there are physical limits. However, this time our customer’s stomach exceeded its limits admirably.”
• Mountain gear shop owner: “Perhaps we’ve entered an era where you should carry not just emergency rations, but also an incinerator to dispose of them.”
• Renowned biologist Dr. Saibo: “Applying planaria regeneration to food is sheer madness. The thought of pie cells that survive stomach acid entering the body is terrifying.”
• Infinite Cream Pie (personified): “Eat me! No matter how much you eat, I’ll become a new me and fill you up! Forever!”
• Tent manufacturer representative: “This proves our sewing technology can withstand cream pressure from the inside.”
• Fox at the scene: “Too sweet to eat, honestly.”
• Internet user: “The common sense of ‘survival diet’ has been overturned lol”
• Nutritionist: “Calorie calculation impossible. This is truly a devilish sweet.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• On snowy peaks / Pies multiply endlessly / Spring feels so distant
• With every bite / Calories double inside / Winter tent despair
• Stranded soul / No time to lose weight / Pastry hell awaits
• Rescue team arrives / Drunk on the sweet fragrance / Of disaster cream
• Hunger unknown / Yet the heart remains empty / Never satisfied
• Planaria genes / Dwelling in pastry form / Bellies expand wide
• Inside the tent / Avalanche of cream pies / Terror most absurd
• Survived the ordeal / But carries the heavy load / Of accumulated fat
• “Infinite” named / The danger of such a word / Long nights pondering
• White sweet monster / Multiplying to fill all space / A sigh escapes lips

Kanji / Chinese Characters

遭難男体重二割増 無限菓子切断即再生 天幕内洋菓子充満 救助隊困惑甘臭漂 科学過信満腹地獄

Emoji

🏔️⛺️🍰✂️🍰🍰➡️🤢🆘🚁👨‍🚒🍭🙅‍♂️

Onomatopoeia

Whoosh, sprouting rapidly. Munch munch, urp. Puffing up, pop! Splat, oozing everywhere. Jiggle, wobble bounce. AAAAAHHH! (screaming)

SNS

• #InfiniteCreamPieVictimsAssociation
• Getting stranded and gaining weight is a new form of torture
• Regen Corp needs to take responsibility
• This news gives me heartburn just watching
• #BioDessert
• This would be the ultimate space food wouldn’t it?
• Pie avalanche from a tent is such a powerful image
• Declaration of war against low-carb dieters
• Is the stranded man a victim or a food reviewer?
• I don’t have the courage to eat planaria