Comiket Doujinshi 'Tabloid Evasion Steps' Goes Viral as Practitioners Accidentally Reach Olympic-Level Athleticism

A self-published book promising “Disappear from the affair scene in 3 seconds” sold out instantly. Buyers who mastered balcony pull-ups and emergency staircase dashes have achieved phenomenal athletic abilities through impure motivation. Ironically, their chiseled physiques now stand out so much in public that they’re being identified anyway.

At Comic Market 105 held at year’s end, an unusual doujinshi titled “The Art of Emergency Evasion: Run Faster Than Weekly Magazines Can Chase” sold out within 30 minutes of opening. Distributed by the circle “Fire Play Safety Committee,” this slim volume explains “urban stealth parkour”—techniques for escaping through windows, climbing down rain gutters, and leaping to adjacent buildings when detectives or reporters burst into secret rendezvous locations. The book ignited the twisted survival instincts of modern people who “want to protect their families but can’t quit their dangerous liaisons,” and reportedly, most buyers were middle-aged managers with metabolic bellies.

However, events spiraled far beyond the author’s expectations. The extreme fear of “social death if caught” became motivation surpassing any doping, driving buyers into grueling training regimens. After repeating daily “emergency stairwell dashes” and “air conditioner mimic pull-ups” on park horizontal bars, their excess fat melted away, and body fat percentages plummeted to athlete-level 5%. In Tokyo’s business districts, section chiefs in neckties have been spotted practicing wall jumps using building winds during lunch breaks.

The tragic irony begins here. They trained their bodies “to escape unnoticed,” but their finished physiques were simply too magnificent. The bulging latissimus dorsi visible even through suits and their unnaturally agile movements now radiate an unusual aura in entertainment districts. Recently, a trading company employee who encountered paparazzi in Gotanda’s hotel district panicked and leaped from a third-floor balcony to an adjacent utility pole with flawless form. A passerby’s video of this went viral on social media. Comments like “Japan’s Spider-Man” and “Wait, that muscle definition looks like my husband” mobilized identification squads, and while he escaped in 3 seconds, his family collapsed 3 hours later.

The sports world views this phenomenon with both bewilderment and anticipation. A development officer at the Japan Urban Sports Association marveled, “Their motives are extremely impure, but their explosive power and spatial awareness are at Olympic representative level.” Currently, the association is considering scouting them as “underground enhanced designated athletes,” but negotiations are stalling because all candidates demand “no face exposure” and are “unreachable on weekends.” These distorted super-athletes born of desire and fear—will they run toward gold medals, or keep running from alimony demands? The finish line remains invisible.

Stakeholder Comments

• Book Purchaser (40s, Male): “I trained to avoid detection by my wife, but now she suspects me of cheating because ‘your body has gotten too good lately.’ It’s a paradox.”
• Circle Organizer: “It was supposed to be just a joke book, but the readers are way too serious. The chapter about becoming one with the air conditioner was originally a joke about mental focus.”
• Private Detective: “Recent targets move too fast. If they leap from building to building during surveillance, we have no choice but to chase them with drones.”
• Track Coach: “Their running form has no ‘hesitation.’ All they have is ‘fear of social annihilation.’ That’s what generates their propulsion.”
• Air Conditioner (Daikin brand): “Lately there are too many middle-aged men clinging on top of me, holding their breath. They’re heavy and interfering with my heat exchange.”
• Weekly Magazine Reporter: “Steps to dodge the ‘Bunshun Cannon’? Interesting—next time I’ll bring a net gun to the interview.”
• Parkour Enthusiast: “We jump for fun, but they jump to survive. The intensity is different.”
• Divorce Lawyer: “When physical ability is high, the difficulty of securing evidence increases, and investigation costs skyrocket. It’s painful for my clients.”
• Olympic Committee Official: “If only they could pass the ethics review, they’d be immediately combat-ready…”
• City Utility Pole: “The number of salarymen with clinging habits has increased, and it’s troublesome. Please stop gnawing on the wiring.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Swift-footed husband / Pursued through telephoto / Lens of betrayal
• Winter sky above / Father transforms himself to / Air conditioner
• Forbidden love’s fruit / Muscles trained, standing out now / What foolishness
• Muscles won’t betray / But the wife still knows the truth / Always watching close
• Over windowsills / Beautiful form in the leap / Cold winter morning
• Crisis avoidance / Jumping power fit to win / Olympic gold
• From the hidden nest / A shadow bursts forth flying / Such amazing speed
• Training to the end / Only to lose in return / His family whole
• Gravity discarded / Ethics thrown aside as well / Flying through the sky
• Bunshun cannon fire / Dodged in graceful tuxedo / Dancing through the flames

Kanji / Chinese Characters

同人誌完売 不倫回避術 中年肉体変 五輪級跳躍 動機不純也 特定班始動 家庭即崩壊

Emoji

🏃‍♂️💨🏢🤸‍♂️📸💥📵😱💔🥇

Onomatopoeia

Whoosh, flutter. Tap-tap-tap… THUD! Ba-dump ba-dump (heartbeat). Grab, slither-slither (climbing pipes). Click (shutter sound). Silence… (air conditioner mimicry).

SNS

• #InfidelityParkour
• #IdentificationSquadDoYourJob
• Saw the Gotanda ninja video, his athleticism is insane lol
• My husband’s been doing pull-ups on the balcony lately… could it be?
• Mastering escape techniques so much you stand out instead, lmao
• Motivation is total garbage but the movement has high artistic points
• So this is what they call superhuman strength in emergencies
• #BunshunCannonEvasionSteps
• Add “Infidelity Escape” as a new Olympic event
• Muscles don’t betray, but getting exposed by muscles is the era we live in