"Gross National Clumsiness" Adopted as Leading Economic Indicator; Noodle Factory Stock Soars on Investor Fat-Finger Errors

The Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare (MHLW) and the Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry (METI) announced on the 17th the start of operations for a new index called “Gross National Clumsiness (GNC),” commonly known as the “Clumsiness Index” (NCI), which aggregates citizens’ decreased attention spans and minor mistakes as big data.

While GDP and the Index of Industrial Production have traditionally been considered the thermometers of the economy, the decision was made that in today’s complex stressful society, “how tired the people are” is the most leading indicator for predicting consumption trends and labor productivity.

The calculation of the index incorporates real-time data such as “frequency of tripping on flat ground” detected by smartwatches, “minor bleeding from fingertips” recorded by smart kitchen knife sensors, “rate of ping-pong error sounds due to insufficient IC card balance” at railway ticket gates, and even “number of accidental post deletions” on social media.

Although the data is anonymized out of consideration for privacy, government officials proudly state that “the entire Japanese archipelago has turned into a giant ‘clumsiness laboratory’.”

The initial figures announced were at an “extremely dangerous” level, significantly exceeding standard values.

In particular, the “U-turn phenomenon of returning home to retrieve a forgotten smartphone” occurred frequently in the Tokyo metropolitan area during the 8:00 AM hour, providing data-backed evidence that the nation’s brain fatigue (brain fog) has reached its limit.

The market reacted immediately to this announcement. Based on the association game that “if the people are hurt, first aid supplies should sell,” investment funds were expected to flow into “Sabio Medical (Code: 3810),” a major medical equipment and bandage manufacturer.

However, this is where the market demons awoke.

Institutional investors and day traders, who were in a state of extreme sleep deprivation due to consecutive days of market fluctuations, ironically became practical examples of this “Clumsiness Index.”

Orders flooded into “Sabio Noodles (Code: 3811),” a local noodle factory with a code number just one digit different.

It is believed that a swarm of traders facing their order terminals in a “brain-fogged state” collectively mistyped the trailing “0” as “1” (commonly known as a Fat Finger Error).

As a result, the stock price of Sabio Noodles, a small noodle factory in Gunma Prefecture, recorded a limit-high increase of +24.5% compared to the previous day.

An abnormal situation occurred where its market capitalization temporarily surpassed that of a mid-sized pharmaceutical company.

The company’s stock board was lined with “buy quotes,” and investor bulletin boards were flooded with posts filled with post-hoc justification bias, such as “From now on, it’s the era of wheat” and “No, isn’t this a sophisticated message that udon should heal the clumsiness?”

An MHLW official, with a bitter expression at a press conference, commented, “This misorder turmoil tells the story of the accuracy of the Clumsiness Index more eloquently than anything else. The Japanese economy is currently so exhausted that it cannot even type correctly,” emphasizing the legitimacy of their own policy.

On the other hand, the president of Sabio Noodles was completely bewildered in an interview, saying, “We can only knead wheat flour. We didn’t intend to knead up the stock price,” as he boiled udon for the employees’ lunch as usual, glancing sideways at the soaring stock price.

The market is watching with bated breath to see if investors will head to pharmaceutical stocks tomorrow to buy “eye drops,” or if they will mistakenly buy shares of a “paper manufacturing company” again.

Stakeholder Comments

• MHLW “Clumsiness Index” Section Chief: “We invested 30% of our budget into developing technology to collect the sound of little toes hitting the corners of chests of drawers.”
• Veteran Investor (45) who placed a wrong order: “I tried to press ‘3810’, but my finger trembled on its own and got sucked into ‘3811’. This is the fault of a yokai.”
• Sabio Noodles President: “Shareholder perks? We can only send dried noodles, but please be careful not to overcook them. Will that be included in the index too?”
• AI Trading Bot: “Human irrational ‘clumsiness’ is incalculable. My algorithm has started to mislearn that ‘Udon = Medical Product’.”
• Doctor at Tokyo ER: “It is true that patients who cut their fingers with kitchen knives are increasing. But they aren’t looking at stock prices. They are desperate to stop the bleeding.”
• Smart Knife Developer: “We have already implemented a feature that automatically orders bandages on Amazon and notifies the MHLW when a user cuts their finger.”
• Ticket Gate: “The ‘ping-pong’ sound during the morning rush hour sounds like a scream to me lately.”
• Bandage Manufacturer PR: “It is regrettable that our stock was not bought, but we would like to recommend our ‘Bandages for the Heart (unreleased)’ to investors who were heartbroken by the wrong orders.”
• Little Toe: “Reconciliation negotiations with the chest of drawers have broken down.”
• Economic Critic: “Let’s name this phenomenon ‘Udon Shock’. As the day market psychology crumbled like flour.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Fingers trembling / Code mistaken in the spring / Breeze blows through the room
• Brain is exhausted / Udon prices skyrocketing / Knowing not the cause
• Bandages unbought / Noodle factory stock soars / Limit high today
• Carelessly it seems / The state officially approves / The economy
• Hitting little toe / Predicting the economy / Pain in the corner
• Wrong order placed now / On the screen a flower blooms / Red color appearing
• Spring slumber is here / Just one digit changes all / Heaven and the earth
• Clumsy people’s traits / Looking at the index now / With bloodshot red eyes
• Amidst the white steam / Looking up at the stock price / The noodle factory
• If you are tired / Do not press the order key / Sleep now investor

Kanji / Chinese Characters

厚労省十七日 国民総粗忽数導入 脳疲労可視化 投資家誤操作 医療株買替製麺株 小麦粉暴騰怪奇現象

Emoji

📉😫💥🩹➡️⌨️😵🤳➡️🍜📈🚀💸

Onomatopoeia

Click… Huh? Gaan! (Shock) Kiiin (Ears ringing) Slurp slurp (Slurping udon) Beep beep (Ticket gate error sound) Thud (Sound of hitting a chest of drawers)

SNS

• #ClumsinessIndex #NCI
• Noodle factory limit high lol How tired are you guys?
• My portfolio is covered in udon.
• Mistaking 3810 for 3811 disqualifies you as an investor, but passes you as a human.
• Welcome to the dystopia where national clumsiness is monitored.
• Dropped my phone 3 times today, I’m contributing to the economy.
• Meant to buy bandages, udon arrived.
• #FatFingerError
• MHLW’s mental strength to justify even misorders is too strong.
• Eye strain stocks coming tomorrow, don’t buy glasses shop by mistake.