Salvation for the All-Nighter Crew? "Railgun Acupuncture" Commercialized: Mach 7 Iron Cores Vaporize Stiffness, But Turn Workrooms into Swiss Cheese

A new therapy involving shooting electromagnetically accelerated acupuncture needles into pressure points at supersonic speeds has emerged to save writers pushed to their limits before deadlines. While the exhilarating sensation of physically obliterating stubborn stiffness is popular, there have been successive reports of damage, such as pen tablets being shattered by shockwaves and holes being blown into apartments. Voices of joy and confusion are mixed: “My shoulders are light, but I have no home.”

“Todoroki Medical Armament,” which opened in a back alley in Chiyoda Ward, Tokyo, has started offering “Hypersonic Electromagnetic Acupuncture” using military technology. While traditional acupuncture enhances healing power from within the body, this clinic’s method specializes in the “physical destruction of stiffness.” Special alloy needles containing depleted uranium are accelerated to Mach 7 using a small railgun installed on the treatment table. It is a rough technique that turns stiff muscle fibers into plasma with the kinetic energy at the moment of impact on the affected area, instantly vaporizing them.

“If you have shoulders as hard as rock, it is self-evident that you need the power to crush rock,” says the director, Gozo Tetsubishi. The treatment time is only 0.003 seconds. The shoulder blades of doujin writers, petrified from staying up all night, relax like jelly with a roar. The effect is enormous, and manga artists who have received the treatment have praised it, saying, “My arms move on their own,” and “My pen runs faster than the speed of sound.” However, there has been a succession of damages such as hard disks of work PCs crashing due to the shock wave (sonic boom) during treatment, and screens of liquid crystal tablets cracking like spider webs.

Even more serious is the “penetration damage.” The needles that accurately pierce the pressure points of the human body sometimes penetrate the wall of the treatment room with that momentum and reach adjacent private houses and buildings. In the Akihabara area, a mysterious phenomenon has occurred where countless clean holes with a diameter of 5 millimeters open in the outer walls of apartments. Complaints from residents are flooding in, such as “When I woke up in the morning, a needle was stuck in my pillow,” and “Drafts come in through the holes in the wall, making my shoulders stiff instead.” The clinic introduced composite armor for tanks in the treatment room as a countermeasure, but before the power of Mach 7, it is “same as tofu” (Director Tetsubishi), and there is no prospect of a solution.

The Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare is considering on-site inspections of the clinic based on the Medical Care Act, the Firearm and Sword Possession Control Law, and even the Weapons Proliferation Prevention Treaty in response to this situation. The officer in charge cannot hide his confusion, saying, “This should be called a chiropractor with an anti-materiel rifle rather than medical equipment.” However, the current situation is that reservations from desperate creators who say, “I don’t care if my house is destroyed, I want to make it in time for the deadline,” are never-ending.

This therapy, which destroys the living environment in exchange for health, may be a distorted relief measure born of modern society. Yesterday, a light novel writer who had just received the treatment muttered while hitting the keyboard under the blue sky ceiling of a half-destroyed apartment. “My shoulders are light as feathers, but if it rains, the manuscript is finished.”

Stakeholder Comments

• Gozo Tetsubishi (Director of Todoroki Medical Armament): “Some collateral damage is inherent in the holy war of creation.”
• A certain major doujin writer: “Just when I thought the burden was off my shoulders, the roof came down.”
• An illustrator who received treatment: “My glasses broke from the shockwave, but my vision became clear enough to see with the naked eye. It saved my life.”
• A neighborhood real estate agent: “The sales pitch ‘airy property’ is becoming physical.”
• Akihabara Police Station representative: “The weapon is a ’needle’ and the motive is ’treatment’. I have a headache wondering what to write in the report.”
• A neighbor who suffered damage: “Thanks to the hole in the wall, I can hear the groans of the writer next door very well.”
• Military critic: “The success in miniaturizing the railgun is commendable, but the target being the trapezius muscle is somewhat over-spec.”
• Construction contractor: “No matter how many holes we fill, new ones open the next day. It’s like Whac-A-Mole.”
• Liquid Tab (Victim): “If my master’s shoulder is cured, that is my true desire… crash.”
• MHLW official: “It’s fine to hit the pressure points, but please stop hitting the law.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Stiffness flies away / Glass doors shake and tremble now / Thunder in the spring
• Supersonic speed / Acupuncture needle goes / Through the rented house
• Deadline approaching / Trajectory paints the sky / Path of salvation
• Shoulders become light / Wallet and house also are / Becoming lighter
• Electromagnetic / Sound crushes pressure points and / Pierces through the wall
• Roaring sound wakes up / The shoulders and the landlord / Eyes wide open now
• Progress of the script / Is proportional to the / Number of the holes
• Healing is found in / The middle of destruction / It has always been
• Mach seven speed / Burying the stiffness / Rain of iron
• Hole in the wall / A new wind begins to blow / Inside of the room

Kanji / Chinese Characters

極超音速電磁鍼灸 轟式破壊的治療法 患部蒸発壁面貫通 肩凝爆散家屋崩壊 締切遵守住居喪失

Emoji

⚡💉💥🧱➡️😲💻🔥🏠💨🚑📜🚫

Onomatopoeia

Zudoooon! (Boom!) Bari bari bari! (Crunch crunch crunch!) Pariin! (Crash!) Suuu… (Sound of shoulders becoming light) Gara gara gara (Sound of wall crumbling) Hyun! (Whoosh!) Piki piki (Sound of stiffness cracking)

SNS

• #RailgunAcupuncture My stiff shoulders are gone, but so is my PC lol
• About the needle flying from the room next door. #RealFPS
• The treatment room is completely a battlefield, but the doctor’s aim is too good.
• Confirmed animation that security deposit won’t be returned.
• Too much of a final weapon before the deadline. Manuscript over house.
• It doesn’t hurt. But my soul almost left my body from the shock.
• In the waiting room of Todoroki Medical, everyone’s eyes are dead but only their shoulders are macho.
• The walls in Akihabara are full of holes lol. Surpassed Banksy.
• This isn’t on the level of acupuncture anymore!
• #CureByHittingWithPhysics