Evil Organization Applies for 'Combatant' to be Listed as Endangered Species; Population Plummets Due to Hero Overhunting

On the 26th, the Non-Profit Organization “Dark Society Neo-Guilty” (commonly known as Neo-Gil), which aims for world domination, applied to the Ministry of the Environment to designate “Combatants,” the lowest-ranking members of the organization, as a Domestic Rare Wild Animal and Plant Species (Endangered Species) under the Act on Conservation of Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora. The group claims that the disorderly cleanup activities by heroes every weekend amount to “overhunting.” Concerned about the collapse of the ecosystem balance, they appealed for the protection of combatants and the realization of Sustainable Domination Goals (SDGs).

At a press conference held in Tokyo, President Z, the CEO of Neo-Gil, took the stage. Pointing to a graph of population trends projected on a screen, he explained with a grave expression, “In the 1990s, more than 30 combatants would spring up in a single battle, but due to the declining birthrate and the inflation of firepower in finishing moves, the number has now decreased to an average of 3.5.” He pointed out that “overkill by combining robots” during the golden time on Sunday mornings, in particular, has increased the turnover rate of young combatants and completely destroyed the reproduction cycle.

Coinciding with the application, the organization announced a “Combatant Work Style Reform Declaration.” Until their listing on the Red List is approved, they will, in principle, refrain from physical destruction activities and shift all monsters and combatants to full telework. Specifically, they will use video conferencing systems such as Zoom, set virtual backgrounds to “burning Tokyo streets” or “remodeling surgery rooms,” and continuously post intimidating voice messages like “Eee!” in the chat section to carry out mental invasion.

In response, the Justice League Public Relations Department released a cool comment: “Our activities are based on public welfare, similar to pest control. Even if they are an endangered species, wouldn’t it be more appropriate to treat them as Invasive Alien Species under the Invasive Alien Species Act?” On the other hand, regarding the introduction of “prior environmental assessment” when using finishing moves, they showed reluctance, stating, “Due to the intentions of sponsors, it is difficult to reduce the amount of gunpowder under broadcasting codes.”

Dr. Blackhole of Teito University, an expert in labor economics, analyzes, “Even an evil organization cannot escape compliance in modern times. What they are seeking is not the ‘right’ to world domination, but the ‘right to life’ as workers.” Also, since the shortage of combatants directly leads to the loss of opportunities for the hero side to gain experience points, the ironic scenario of “mutual collapse of justice and evil” has become realistic.

At the end of the press conference, President Z appealed with tears in his eyes, “If we are gone, heroes will also lose their jobs. For the sake of sustainable hostile relations, we ask for consideration such as synthesizing explosions with CG.” Outside the venue, combatants holding placards silently cried “Eee” and volunteered to distribute tissues to passersby. The spring sunlight reflected sorrowfully on their black tights.

Stakeholder Comments

• President Z (Neo-Gil CEO): “The pain of losing subordinates to blast waves outweighs the joy of world domination. This is a management decision.”
• Combatant No. 402: “‘Eee! (Translation: Workers’ compensation doesn’t come through. The anxiety about the future hurts more than the kicked stomach.)’”
• Justice Red (Justice League): “If they don’t come, we’ll just unleash our finishing moves remotely. Get your Wi-Fi environment ready and wait.”
• Monster Mantis Man: “Since I started working from home, I’ve been able to take care of my scythes meticulously. People say I look better through the screen.”
• Ministry of the Environment Official: “Discussions are tangled within the ministry as to whether combatants should be defined as ‘wild animals’ or ‘irregular employees’.”
• Special Effects Show Producer: “Ratings drop without explosions. However, if the evil organization goes on strike, the show won’t hold up. It’s a very difficult steering situation.”
• Staffing Agency Staff: “Consultations for job changes from combatants have increased rapidly recently. Their ‘skill of waiting for instructions’ and ‘group action ability’ are highly evaluated in general companies.”
• Hero Show Spectator (Elementary School Student): “If the bad guys don’t come, I’ll play in the park with my dad, so it’s fine.”
• Zoom Japan PR: “We are troubled by misuse, but it is interesting as a creative use case for virtual backgrounds.”
• Earth: “If both of you could stop making noise on my surface, that would be the best SDGs.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Blast wind blows / Black clothes scatter / Dreams alone remain
• Through the screen / Shouting destruction / Spring breeze blows
• Combatants wait / Endangered species / Designation
• Hero’s kick / Hits empty air / Logged out now
• Saying Eee / Voice also cuts out / Hazy moon
• Teleworking / Fortress of evil / Is quiet
• Spring thunder comes / Finishing moves / Restraint order
• Want to protect / The Earth and you / Employment slots
• Black tights off / Just a good citizen / Beneath it all
• Cherry blossoms fall / Glory of evil / Traces of dreams

Kanji / Chinese Characters

EvilCompany26th CombatantRareSpeciesApplication JusticeOverfishingPopulationPlummet AllMonstersRemoteWorkShift VirtualBackgroundCityDestructionDeclaration

Emoji

🦹‍♂️📉🆘➡️🏛️📋 🦸‍♂️💥🥊🚫 💻🏠👹🤳🏙️🔥 🔇Eee!🔇 🌏🕊️💼

Onomatopoeia

Kaboom… (Silence) Clack-clack, Turn! (Sound of Enter key) “Eee!” (Small voice) Vroon (Fan sound) Piron♪ (Notification sound) Silence…

SNS

• #SaveTheCombatants
• Combatants are alive too. No to explosions!
• Today’s evil organization sent a Zoom link lol
• #SustainableDomination
• An era questioning the violence of heroes.
• Telework invasion, surprisingly hits the mental state… notifications won’t stop.
• Evil organization’s efforts for SDGs are more advanced than our company lol.
• If designated as an endangered species, will there be a fine for catching combatants?
• Notice of Weekend Hero Show Cancellation: Due to Enemy Organization Strike.
• What is justice, what is evil, and what is Wi-Fi speed.