"Eels Should Return to Their Home Star": Master Director Weeps Pointing at Nebula. Fisheries Agency Responds Calmly: "Apply for a Passport First"

Acclaimed director Jean-Pierre Hortense (78), a three-time Academy Award winner, held an emergency press conference on the 25th to announce a grand project to return all eels on Earth to their “true home,” the Andromeda Nebula M31-U791 (commonly known as the Eel Nebula). With footage of the nebula captured by the National Astronomical Observatory’s latest telescope behind him, the director tearfully appealed, “This flowing form, this profound radiance… I can no longer bear to see them suffering in the small pond that is Earth.”

This project is linked to the director’s next film, “Eel Go Home,” and the plan involves actually launching a massive spaceship carrying eels during the movie’s climax. The production cost is estimated to rival a national budget, but the director passionately argued, “Art sometimes transcends the state.” The spaceship is equipped with a “Mobile Mariana Trench” that perfectly reproduces the eel ecosystem, and he boasted of its state-of-the-art design to support a journey spanning thousands of years.

However, this galaxy-spanning biodiversity protection plan hit the thick wall of Kasumigaseki immediately after starting. When the director’s side applied to the Fisheries Agency for permission for the “large-scale transport of eels outside the country (extraterrestrial),” the contact window responded after several days of careful consideration that “there is no precedent.” The reason for rejection was that “our agency’s jurisdiction is the Exclusive Economic Zone of Japan and parts of the high seas; extraterrestrial space is outside our jurisdiction” and “to begin with, the eels subject to transport do not possess valid passports.” They presented a view that was logically irrefutable, though miniscule compared to the astronomical scale of the project.

In response to this calm and accurate point by the Fisheries Agency, Director Hortense raged again, “Passports? Their souls are their passports to space!” However, the law does not recognize the existence of souls, and the situation has fallen into a complete deadlock. Experts have voiced extremely reasonable opinions, such as “While the perspective of protecting the Earth’s ecosystem is important, he should have learned the Immigration Control and Refugee Recognition Act first” and “Where is the scientific basis that the environment of the Andromeda Nebula is suitable for eels?”

The director is currently poised to file a lawsuit with the International Court of Justice to establish not citizenship but “star-izenship” for eels. Meanwhile, from eel restaurants nationwide, desperate voices are heard saying, “It’s fine to go back to their hometown, but we want them back by the Day of the Ox.” The long journey of the eels seems to begin with overcoming the uniquely earthly complicated procedures of visas and passports.

Stakeholder Comments

• Director Jean-Pierre Hortense: “How could bureaucrats understand the heart of art, nay, of eels! Next, I will move the UN to seek visa waivers for eels!”
• Fisheries Agency Resource Management Division Official: “I had a slightly bad feeling the moment I saw ‘Andromeda Nebula’ written in the ‘Destination’ field of the application documents. We are just doing our job according to the law…”
• Japanese Eel Elder (Estimated age 30): “Was our hometown that far away…? No wonder nobody comes back.”
• Dr. Tanaka, Astrophysicist: “The nebula looking like an eel is a psychological effect called ‘pareidolia.’ By the way, the main component of that nebula is hydrogen gas, so it would be a bit harsh for eels to live there.”
• Film Critic Saburo Yodogawa: “The director’s rampage is business as usual. But that produces masterpieces. The problem is whether the price of Kabayaki will skyrocket after the eels go to space.”
• 3rd Generation Owner of Kabayaki Shop ‘Una-Tatsu’: “Our secret sauce is made to match Earth’s gravity. The taste will change in space.”
• Andromeda Nebula M31-U791: “I felt a hot gaze from the direction of Earth recently… Honestly, I’d be troubled if hundreds of millions came suddenly.”
• Passport (Concept): “I never expected the day would come when I would be required for an entire biological species. My identity is wavering.”
• AI of Spaceship ‘Eel-Ark-1’: “Passenger list confirmed. Everyone seems to be slimy, so I’m very anxious about whether movement inside the ship will go smoothly.”
• General Citizen (Anonymous): “It has romance, which is nice. But please return the eels in the neighborhood river to their hometown from the ditch first.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• No passport in hand Eels travel to galaxy Stopped by the border

• Day of the Ox comes Looking up at the night sky Asking for their home

• Pointing at nebula Weeping in the winter wind Director’s passion

• Out of jurisdiction Voices reaching to the edge Of the universe

• Without a passport Cannot go to Milky Way Eels are stuck on Earth

• Slipping through the law Slimy and smooth escape plan Fails at the bureau

• Home is made of gas Winter eel wonders about Life in the nebula

• Smell of Kabayaki Does not reach the star cluster Hungry universe

• Is it art or rash? December sky looks distinct Teacher runs about

• Preparation first Family register needed And residence card

Kanji / Chinese Characters

DirectorNebulaEelHomeAssert AllEelsSpaceshipTransportPlanAnnounce FisheriesAgencyBioExportApply ExtraterrestrialJurisdictionNoPassportReject

Emoji

🎬😭👉🌌🐍… 🚀✨… 🏢🙅‍♂️🛂❓

Onomatopoeia

• Waaaaah waaaaah… (Crying)
• Twinkle… (Stars)
• Slither slither… (Eels moving)
• Rustle rustle… Clatter clatter… (Paperwork)
• Clank! (Stamp rejected)
• Silence…
• Buzz buzz… Slimy slimy…

SNS

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• #WorshipAndromedaOnDayOfTheOx
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• #EelCitizenshipCommittee
• #WhereToApplyForVisa
• #WorriedAboutKabayakiFuture