New Shelter Implements 'Factorization' to Unlock Door; Survival Rate in Evacuation Drill is 0%

Machiavelli Dynamics, a major disaster prevention system developer, conducted a public evacuation drill for its next-generation nuclear shelter, “Mensa Bunker,” at a testing ground in Tokyo on the 6th.

The most distinctive feature of this shelter, which boasts state-of-the-art explosion-proof performance, is that instead of biometric authentication, one must solve “junior high school level factorization” to enter.

However, in the drill held on this day, not a single person was able to open the door, resulting in a shocking outcome where all 50 participants met a virtual death.

Reitetsu Sagami, CEO of the company, asserted regarding the intention of the development, “Humans with an intelligence level who cannot maintain composure and perform calculations in extreme states are a waste of resources in the phase of civilization reconstruction.”

Pointing out the risk of conventional shelters becoming crushed by crowds at the entrance, he proudly stated, “By filtering through ‘mathematical formulas,’ we select only the truly eligible (elites) who should survive, realizing an orderly evacuation.”

This system is named “IQ Selection Security,” and it is said to even implement a function where the difficulty level fluctuates in conjunction with Emergency Earthquake Warnings.

The drill began at 2:00 PM with a maximum volume siren.

As the roar echoed and red rotating lights took away their vision, participants rushed to the touch panel of the shelter.

However, when the text “Factorize x³ + y³ + z³ - 3xyz” appeared on the screen, the scene turned into agonizing chaos.

Roars of “I forgot the formula!” and “Cross-multiplication! Use cross-multiplication!” flew about, but fingers trembled with fear, and they were locked out one after another due to input errors.

The 30-second time limit passed, and the heavy door remained heartlessly locked, confirming “annihilation” in the drill.

Ironically, the only one to break through this grueling test was “Mike” (estimated 3 years old), a stray cat that wandered into the drill venue.

Mike slipped through the feet of the panicking humans, jumped onto the operation panel, and randomly hit the keys with his paw.

That input miraculously matched the correct answer, and with a hydraulic whine, he leisurely disappeared inside the opening door.

CEO Sagami was chased for a painful excuse, saying, “Cats are entities that transcend probability theory. They are also a healing resource necessary for reconstruction.”

Critiques are flooding in from behavioral economics experts, calling it “a historic defeat in UX (User Experience) that ignores cognitive load during emergencies.”

Also, from the mathematics world, voices of amazement are rising, saying, “It has been proven that on the brink of life or death, people cannot recall the quadratic formula.”

However, some parts of the government are showing interest in this system as an “efficiency model for evacuation guidance of the increasing elderly population,” and the discussion is deepening in confusion.

Machiavelli Dynamics plans to add “application of calculus” and “classical grammar parsing” to the unlocking conditions in the next update.

An era where technology that should protect our lives thrusts an IQ test at us.

When the alarm sounds next, what we may need is not a disaster hood, but a Red Book (reference book) and a cat’s paw.

Stakeholder Comments

• Developer/CEO Sagami: “Formulas don’t lie. The fact that you can’t solve it in panic is proof that your mental training is insufficient.”
• Drill Participant (Male in 30s): “The siren was too loud, I was doubtful even about addition. I refuse to see math formulas before I die.”
• Drill Participant (Math Teacher): “A cubic expression in that situation is foul play. At least make it a quadratic equation…”
• Stray Cat Mike: “Meow (I just pressed the button looking for a warm place. Humans are noisy creatures).”
• Cognitive Psychologist: “Asking for logical thinking from a human showing a ‘fight or flight’ response is like making a fish climb a tree.”
• UI Designer: “It’s a typical dark pattern. No, we should call it a ‘Death Pattern’.”
• Local Government Official: “We want to consider introduction carefully, but it might be excellent as a cat-only shelter.”
• Cram School Instructor: “I never thought the factorization I taught saying ‘This is where you make a difference!’ would divide life and death.”
• Automatic Door: “I just want to open, but the formula gets in the way.”
• Certain Country’s Military Analyst: “If the enemy’s shelter is like this, we can win by dropping math workbooks without even firing a missile.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Warning sound blares loud, / Formulas unsolved, life fades, / Scattered in the wind.
• Cat’s soft paw steps on, / Over keys it finds the way, / Survives the chaos.
• Shelter door so heavy, / X remains a mystery, / Closed to all of us.
• Evacuation? / Factorization instead, / Snow falls in the spring.
• Fools remain outside, / Iron door rejects them all, / Cicadas crying.
• Key to survival, / Is a paw pad, soft and cute, / Perfect day for cats.
• Fingers tap the keys, / Trembling in fear and cold, / Calculator shakes.
• With the missiles fall, / Formulas for us to solve, / Raining from the sky.
• Degrees mean nothing, / Before the blast wind blowing, / Knowledge fades away.
• Spring melancholy, / The air raid shelter door stays, / Shut tight to the end.

Kanji / Chinese Characters

• Evacuation Drill Annihilation
• Math Barrier
• Cat Single Survival
• Factorization Hell
• Human Intellect Defeat
• Paw Pad Victory
• Civilization Selection

Emoji

🚨🏃‍♂️🏃‍♀️💨🚪🔒✖️➕➖➗🧮🤯💣💀🐈🐾🔓✅

Onomatopoeia

• Woo-woo-woo! (Siren)
• Gaya-gaya, Kyaaa! (Screams)
• Beep-beep-beep, Boo-boo (Error sound)
• Clack-clack-clack… (Trembling fingers)
• Pon (Cat’s footstep)
• Ding-dong♪ (Correct answer sound)
• Pshhh… (Door opening sound)

SNS

• #ShelterAnnihilation
• Dying because of factorization is not funny lol #MathAllergy
• I’m confident my cat could survive
• The developer is definitely a psychopath
• Went to the evacuation drill. Died because low IQ.
• Unexpected Cat End 🐱 Announcement of the end of humanity
• Is this the true “Exam War”?
• Theory: Guys who can solve quadratic equations in an emergency have too strong mental
• Cat »> (Unsurpassable Wall) »> Human
• Heard next is calculus, it’s over