Politicians' Festival "Gaffe Triathlon" Opens, World Record Set in "Amnesia"

The “Gaffe Triathlon World Championship,” the festival of the century where political lives and taxpayers’ money are at stake, opened on the 9th at the Nagata-cho Special Stadium (National Diet Building Front Plaza). Under the slogan “If honest people are made to look like fools, let’s become fools and dance,” elites selected from both ruling and opposition parties gathered for this tournament. As they competed in the three major skills cultivated through years of political activity—“Running Away,” “Hiding,” and “Forgetting”—cheers resembling screams rose from the taxpayers filling the spectator seats.

The highlight of the first day was the first event, the “Buck-Passing Relay.” In this competition, a thick brown envelope is used as a baton, passed from the first runner (the accountant) to the second runner (the secretary), and finally to the anchor (the lawmaker themselves). The team from the largest faction, which attracted the most attention, demonstrated the advanced technique of “Lizard Tail Cutting” (making a subordinate take the fall), shouting “That was the secretary’s arbitrary decision!” while pushing the secretary off the track at the moment of the baton pass. The AI judges awarded this the highest score for “responsibility avoidance capability transcending laws of physics,” and the venue was wrapped in a stir.

In the following second event, “Synchronized Dogeza” (Prostrate Apology), the unity of each faction was tested. The timing of bowing heads in unison with the flashing of cameras, and the angle between the floor and the forehead were the criteria for scoring. The veteran lawmaker team, considered favorites for the title, overwhelmed others with their artistic score by showing off the “Secret of the Half-Eye,” checking public opinion with a glance at the cameras even while apologizing. A former prosecutor in the commentary booth also groaned, “A perfect form to win a suspension of indictment. It is essentially a national treasure-level low posture.”

Then came the final event, the grueling “Amnesia Marathon.” It is an endurance race to see how long one can keep saying “I have no recollection” in response to sharp questions from the prosecutor role. Here, a heavyweight lawmaker in his 80s, called a legend of the political world, smashed the world record. He continued to dodge even his own name with “confirmation is needed,” and 14 hours after the start, an abnormal situation occurred where the AI judge declared a loss by default due to “System Error: Forgetfulness capacity immeasurable.”

The victorious heavyweight lawmaker was presented with the post of “Next Minister of Compliance” as a supplementary prize, along with a one-year supply of “Misogi (Purification) Shower” to wash away all scandals. Biting the gold medal (rumored to be chocolate inside) on the podium, when asked in an interview “Who do you want to convey this joy to?”, he answered, “Who was it again?”, inviting explosive laughter from the venue, and the tournament closed with great success. It is expected that the several hundred million yen in tournament operating costs will be processed as “expenditures unaccounted for.”

Stakeholder Comments

• Victorious Heavyweight Lawmaker: “Reason for winning? What are you talking about? I was just here.”
• Secretary A (Relay Runner): “The baton (sin) from the boss was too heavy, I physically couldn’t run.”
• AI Judge: “When I tried to analyze their language logic, my logic circuits shorted out. Humans are incomprehensible.”
• Young Opposition Lawmaker: “I was only criticizing, but when I ran myself, I lacked the stamina for ‘Amnesia.’ I need more devotion.”
• Tournament Chairman: “Next year, we plan to introduce a new event, ‘Campaign Pledge Breaking Hurdles.’ The height of the hurdles will be linked to approval ratings.”
• General Spectator (Taxpayer): “I was supposed to be laughing, but for some reason, the tears won’t stop. My wallet feels lighter.”
• Former Tokyo District Public Prosecutors Office Special Investigation Squad Member: “Wonderful technique. If they did that in the interrogation room, I’d throw in the towel.”
• Floor of the National Diet Building: “I don’t feel the weight of their dogeza at all. Because there’s no heart in it.”
• Brown Envelope: “It is my destiny to be carried without the contents being seen. I’m heavy, but I’m being treated lightly.”
• Microphone: “Why does only the frequency of ‘I have no recollection’ resonate so strangely well?”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Spring dreams vanish, along with memories gone, into thin air
• Brown envelope, a heavy baton to hold, hands sweating so much
• Bowing down deeply, on the forehead sweat drops shine, lies are glistening
• Secretary runs, carrying the heavy sins, Kasumigaseki
• Even the judges, are amazed by the power, of forgetfulness
• Flashing cameras, measuring the angle of, apology spring
• Responsibility, blown away by the wind now, in the triathlon
• Politicians run, on their fleeing backs I see, cherry blossoms fall
• No memory left, that becomes the strongest shield, protecting them all
• Gold medal bite, tastes bitter in the mouth now, flavor of taxes

Kanji / Chinese Characters

政治家祭典開幕 失言三種競技 責任転嫁茶封筒 記憶喪失新記録 土下座芸術点高 優勝者大臣任命

Emoji

🏃‍♂️💼💨😓🙇‍♂️📸🎤😵‍💫🏅🏛️💸

Onomatopoeia

• Thud thud, swoosh (Shifting responsibility).
• Flash flash flash (Flashbulbs popping).
• Bow, line up (Dogeza).
• Silence… (Amnesia).
• Buzz buzz, whisper whisper.
• Beep beep! (AI error sound).
• Smile smile, smirk smirk.
• Heavy thud (Brown envelope).

SNS

• #GaffeTriathlon
• Watching the Amnesia Marathon, that politician’s persistence is abnormal lol
• The way the secretary got thrown in the Buck-Passing Relay makes me cry… #BlackCompany
• The prize being Minister of Compliance is too ironic lol
• Is this how our taxes are used lol Do more (Stop it)
• The moment the AI judge gave up was hilarious
• Synchronized Dogeza, how about for the next Olympic event?
• “I have no recollection” is confirmed for this year’s Buzzword Award
• It’s too real to laugh but I have no choice but to laugh #Politics
• I want to participate in next year’s qualifiers. I’m confident if it’s excuses.