Ministry of Foreign Affairs Designates Commuter Trains as 'Evacuation Advisory' Zones: 'Hide Your GPUs with Stacks of Cash'

On the 21st, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs urgently updated its Overseas Safety website, designating the areas along the Yamanote and Saikyo Lines in central Tokyo as Level 4 “Evacuation Advisory” zones.

This is the first time in constitutional history that such an advisory, typically issued for conflict zones or areas with infectious disease outbreaks, has been applied to domestic public transportation.

The background to this is the abnormal price surge of graphics processing units (GPUs) accompanying the explosive evolution of generative AI.

High-end GPUs, including the “RTX 5090,” have now become ultra-high-value assets in the black market, equivalent in value to an “entire newly-built apartment building in central Tokyo.”

As a result, there has been a surge in robberies targeting gamers and engineers taking home GPUs purchased in Akihabara.

Crowded trains, with no avenue for escape, have particularly turned into a “Silicon Death Road” over high-level computing resources, leaving security authorities in a state beyond control.

At a regular press conference of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, the press secretary stated with a grim expression:

“We urge all citizens to immediately cease the suicidal act of carrying GPUs bare.

When traveling, we strongly recommend thickly wrapping them with relatively easily obtainable and less damaging-if-stolen ‘stacks of cash’ or ‘gold bars’ as cushioning material, to strictly pose as ‘just an ordinary millionaire’.”

On the same day, the National Police Agency also launched “Operation Money Shield.”

Utilizing the reversed economic psychology that “robbers pay no attention to low-value banknotes,” they have begun instructing people to conceal the shape of GPUs with bundles of 10,000 yen bills.

In reality, bizarre scenes are unfolding on the ground.

Yesterday, when a man was questioned by police inside Shinjuku Station, a total of 300 million yen in cash was found in his bag. However, the police ignored it, saying, “Ah, it’s just packing material,” and prioritized confirming the safety of an entry-level GPU, the “RTX 4060,” hidden deep inside.

In response to an interview, the man answered while carefully wiping the GPU’s fan with a wad of cash: “If it’s cash, in the worst case, I can get it by working, but GPUs have an 800-year waiting list. They are heavier than a human life.”

However, even this countermeasure is beginning to show its limits.

The robber gangs are also starting to see through the fact that people carrying stacks of cash equals GPU owners, with instances occurring where they threaten, “Throw away the cash and hand over what’s inside!”

In response, the government is reportedly considering a new camouflage method of covering them with even lower-value dummies such as “My Number Cards (Individual Number Cards)” and “one’s own pride.”

In this era where computing power dictates everything, humanity is ironically surrounded by mere pieces of paper called “money,” continually protecting the electronic gods.

Stakeholder Comments

• Ministry of Foreign Affairs Official: “This is originally a warning intended for overseas, but the current Yamanote Line is more dangerous than Mad Max. Please refrain from boarding unarmed.”
• Akihabara PC Parts Shop Manager: “We offer customers a complimentary gold bar (1kg) as cushioning material when they purchase a GPU. It helps us out because we were having trouble disposing of our inventory.”
• Investor (5000% unrealized profit): “Gold is outdated. From now on, it’s the ‘Silicon Standard.’ My asset portfolio consists of three RTX cards.”
• Commuting Office Worker: “The person next to me on the train dropped a stack of cash, but nobody tried to pick it up. Everyone was looking for the heat exhaust slits underneath it.”
• Armed Robbery Gang Leader: “What we want is ‘computing power.’ Pieces of paper aren’t even good enough for blowing your nose. Hand over the CUDA Cores!”
• RTX 5090 (Anthropomorphized): “Every time my fans spin, the country’s GDP fluctuates. Treat me gently, you poor humans.”
• Metropolitan Police Department, Cybercrime Countermeasures Division: “If stacks of cash don’t provide enough defense, we recommend layering real estate deeds on top. They have just the right thickness and stiffness.”
• Railway Otaku: “The congestion rate on the Yamanote Line has dropped. It’s because everyone switched to moving by hired cars or armored vehicles to protect their GPUs.”
• 10,000 Yen Bill (Anthropomorphized): “Everyone used to love me in the past, but now I’m just treated as ‘bubble wrap’… I don’t get it.”
• AI Researcher: “At this rate, the trolley problem where the AI decides ‘Rescue the GPU over the human’ will become a reality. No, maybe it already has.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Spring thunder roars / Hiding the graphics card deep / In a mountain of bills
• A packed commuter train / Protecting the silicon / Ah, Yukichi’s face
• Knowing the hot value / Of sheer computing power / Cloudy cherry blossoms
• The thick stacks of cash / Are merely worthless paper scraps / Chorus of cicadas
• Protect the cooling fan / More than your own mortal life / The alarms ring out
• Even the robbers / Touch not the gold nor the cash / Chasing the hot stone
• Fresh green leaves of spring / The long and treacherous path / Leading to a GPU
• If I cannot buy / I shall try to build one then / A castle of sand
• Inside my pocket / The undeniable weight / Of semiconductors
• Waiting for the train / Cold hard cash held in the hands / Staring blankly out

Kanji / Chinese Characters

Foreign Ministry Railway Evacuation Advisory Computing Resource Robberies Frequent Cash Bundle Packaging Recommended Electronic Brain Protection Top Priority

Emoji

🚃⚠️📢💸📦🖥️💎🏃‍♂️💨🚓

Onomatopoeia

Clackety-clack, glare. Murmur, murmur… rustle, rustle (sound of stuffing stacks of cash). Whirrrrrr (sound of the cooling fan spinning). Screeeech! (sudden braking). “Drop it!” “I’ll give you the cash, just give me the stone!” Toss (sound of throwing a stack of cash). Click, silence…

SNS

• Needing a bulletproof vest made of cold hard cash just to ride the train, what kind of post-apocalyptic world is this lol #EvacuationAdvisory
• Today at Shinjuku Station, there were stacks of cash scattered like garbage. Was all of that just GPU packing material?
• I finally bought an RTX 5090!! For now, I’ve wrapped it round and round with the gold bars I had on hand, but will the heat dissipation be okay? #CustomPC
• I can’t tell if the Ministry of Foreign Affairs is doing its job or has gone crazy. Is the Yamanote Line really certified as a conflict zone?
• The conductor is shouting, “Is there anyone among the passengers who has a graphics card!?” but you absolutely shouldn’t step forward.
• To think an era would come where you hide your PC with stacks of cash instead of hiding your face with them.
• I got robbed, but they only took the cash from my wallet and my GPU was safe. Robbers these days have a bad eye for value, thank goodness.
• I want a GPU so badly that I’m thinking of just going to mine silicon myself. #NotMinecraft
• Commuting equipment: Helmet, stab-proof vest, 10kg of dummy cash stacks. Can I make it to Yodobashi Camera with this?
• In the end, what holds the most value is “being able to compute.” It feels like humans will soon be rated by their computing power too.