A biotech company's experimental 'Infinite Cream Pie' containing planarian genes regenerates and splits when bitten. While food never ran out during the man's ordeal, he testified that he 'lost the battle against the pressure of pies trying to regenerate into my mouth.' Even after rescue, he can't stop trembling at the mere smell of sweetness.
When run through a translation AI, it turns out that elegant floating was actually expressing 'deep regret' toward the owner all along. The jellyfish condemned the late feeding as 'a lack of trust-building measures' and has launched an indefinite peacekeeping operation (complete stillness) in the corner of the tank. Geopolitical tensions are now running through the living room.
Following the mass obesity epidemic among citizens caused by the explosively popular 'Swamp Tart,' the city council has designated patisseries as 'Designated Sugar Supply Stations.' Biometric authentication at purchase will apply punitive tax rates to citizens whose BMI exceeds the standard value. In response, a citizens' group claims 'the store tempted us' and has begun a hunger strike (with low-sugar snacks) demanding medical expense deductions for tart purchases.
The ultimate anti-scalping weapon turns out to be "graininess." QR codes abolished, bringing antique compact digital cameras becomes mandatory. The iPhone 15 is subject to confiscation, and young people break down in tears over its excessive clarity. In the front rows sit the "Noise Aristocrats," lovingly admiring photos where it's impossible to tell what's even in them.
Five silent mannequins have been named the Best Customer Service Team at a national retail awards ceremony. At the annual event, the 'Shelf Boys' stationed in the snack aisle were praised for 'never breaking their smiles,' while actual cashiers were overlooked. Social media is flooded with self-deprecating posts like 'Humans do the work, shelves get the praise.'
A bargain fan that went viral on e-commerce sites has been confiscated as a "weather weapon" threatening national security. Authorities confirmed its ability to generate localized cyclones at maximum power and rapidly lower atmospheric pressure around the National Diet Building. "Critical legislation could literally blow away," the Chief Cabinet Secretary warned.
Unskippable ads have been introduced in delivery rooms. Every time the contraction monitor flashes red, ceiling speakers shout 'Pelvic belt now at 5x points!' while baby product logos blink across entire walls. A couple who chose the 'ad-supported birth plan'—which automatically inserts commercials into livestreams for distant family—say they saved 30% on costs. However, their newborn's smartphone advertising ID was reportedly issued before the baby even had a name.
The pot boiled before the fossil was classified. A new species' bones discovered in a depopulated town became the logo for 'Ancient Umami Hot Pot' before any academic announcement, and fossil-shaped croquettes piled up in the shopping district. When the research team requested specimens, the town office apologized: 'Sorry, they sold out as first-come-first-served gifts for hometown tax donations.' The paper's figures are now expected to feature photos from an online shopping site.
After being criticized for 'missing the point' in parliamentary questioning, the opposition party leader took a job as a supermarket manager seeking practical experience. Grabbing a microphone and demanding 'What's the cost structure of these eggs!?' from a part-time worker, he was promptly shut down with 'My dinner is a more important issue than that.'
Parliament unanimously passed the 'Bathroom Belting Act.' The Prime Minister, holding a showerhead-shaped microphone, passionately declared that 'singing is national power.' The newly established 'Bathtub Ministry' has begun subsidies for waterproof sheet music and rubber ducks, but nationwide choruses are causing water pipe resonance, threatening infrastructure collapse.