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"Persuade Bears with Bench Press" - City Hall Passes Japan's First Muscle Ordinance for Wildlife Control

"Persuade Bears with Bench Press" - City Hall Passes Japan's First Muscle Ordinance for Wildlife Control

An end to bear encounters at last? A city hall has adopted the slogan "Muscle over Dialogue" and established the "Muscle Patrol Squad" staffed by bodybuilders. Squad members are required to perform intimidating poses when encountering bears. However, recent unconfirmed reports suggest that the sound of protein shakers being rattled has been heard deep in the forest, and bears have begun bulking up in response.

Translations: JA
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Scientists Announce "The Secret to Longevity is in Your Right Arm." All of Humanity Becomes Popeye, Can No Longer Fit Through Doors

Scientists Announce "The Secret to Longevity is in Your Right Arm." All of Humanity Becomes Popeye, Can No Longer Fit Through Doors

A paper announced that longevity genes are concentrated in the right bicep, and the world reacted immediately. Training the left arm was deemed "a waste of time," and the streets became flooded with people whose right arms had grown abnormally large. They constantly get stuck at narrow doors and automatic ticket gates, and the latest urban designs are considering the introduction of "Popeye-only lanes."

Translations: JA
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Muscle Fibers File Class Action Lawsuit, Claiming Their Growth Story Was "Spoiled." Trainers' "One More Rep!" Accused of Premature Disclosure

Muscle Fibers File Class Action Lawsuit, Claiming Their Growth Story Was "Spoiled." Trainers' "One More Rep!" Accused of Premature Disclosure

The American Federation of Muscle Fibers (AFMA) has condemned many trainers for statements made during training sessions such as "This is where the real growth begins," claiming they prematurely revealed the climax known as supercompensation. According to their statement, the fibers claim they "wanted to enjoy growth with pure feelings" and are suffering emotional distress.

Translations: JA
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Grandma's Spicy Ohagi Causes Illegal Muscle Growth; Bodybuilding World Trembles as Sweet Shop Owner Becomes Wanted 'Muscle Trafficker'

Grandma's Spicy Ohagi Causes Illegal Muscle Growth; Bodybuilding World Trembles as Sweet Shop Owner Becomes Wanted 'Muscle Trafficker'

All top finishers at the National Bodybuilding Championship disqualified. Unknown compounds from a local sweet shop's 'Spicy Protein Ohagi' detected in their muscles. The 82-year-old shop owner stated, 'I just added extra spices thinking my grandson would enjoy it.' The committee is now investigating the ohagi confiscation and the elderly woman's connections with full force.

Translations: JA
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'Natural Protein Only' - Muscular Salmon Swimming Upstream Signs Shocking Deal with Major Supplement Company

'Natural Protein Only' - Muscular Salmon Swimming Upstream Signs Shocking Deal with Major Supplement Company

A single salmon that went viral for jumping over waterfalls has signed an unprecedented sponsorship deal with a major protein manufacturer. Its form conquering rapids with back muscles that defy fluid dynamics has driven human gym-goers to despair. 'What was all our pumping for?' they cry, as people nationwide are throwing down their protein shakers in gyms.

Translations: JA
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