Social Lab

"Fossilized Application Form" Discovered in City Hall - Department Responds: "Still Under Review"

"Fossilized Application Form" Discovered in City Hall - Department Responds: "Still Under Review"

A fossilized "park usage permit application form" submitted in the early Heisei era was discovered in the basement archive of city hall. While experts marvel at this "miraculous specimen fossilized by the pressure of countless 'pending' stamps from officials," the city's department issued an official statement: "This is a case inherited from our predecessors. It remains under strict review, and we cannot yet reach a conclusion."

Translations: JA
Social Lab
"Drinkable Moonlight" Buyers Howl in Unison at Midnight. Consumer Affairs Agency: "We Understand Your Feelings, But It's Just Water"

"Drinkable Moonlight" Buyers Howl in Unison at Midnight. Consumer Affairs Agency: "We Understand Your Feelings, But It's Just Water"

People who drank the spiritual water "Drinkable Moonlight," launched by an influencer, have been howling without reason at 2 a.m. There are also reports of glasses of water at bedsides glowing pale blue. The Consumer Affairs Agency warned that "the placebo effect is close to that of a werewolf" and recommended counseling before refunds.

Translations: JA
Social Lab
"Space Fan" Solution for Air Pollution: Government Allocates Entire National Budget to Remote Control Asteroids

"Space Fan" Solution for Air Pollution: Government Allocates Entire National Budget to Remote Control Asteroids

The government announced on the 14th a plan to use asteroids as "space fans" to eliminate domestic smog. The minister in charge appeared at a press conference holding a giant remote control, smiling and explaining, "Operation is simple. 'Low' creates a gentle breeze, 'Turbo' can generate a typhoon." Unconfirmed reports suggest that the first operational test caused all laundry from a neighboring country to fly across the border.

Translations: JA
Social Lab
Parliament Decides Bill Weight Through Bench Press: 'Voice of the People' Too Heavy for Anyone to Lift

Parliament Decides Bill Weight Through Bench Press: 'Voice of the People' Too Heavy for Anyone to Lift

A new process has been introduced in the basement of the Parliament building to literally measure the 'importance' of bills by weight. Each lawmaker attaches bills as plates to a barbell, with the lifted weight directly correlating to support rate. In recent deliberations, the 'Triple Lawmaker Salary Bill' was unanimously passed as light as a feather, while the petition set named 'Voice of the People' was too heavy to even budge from the floor.

Translations: JA
Social Lab
New Power Grid Censors Thoughts: Blackouts Triggered by Simply Thinking "Pizza Tonight" Sparks Controversy

New Power Grid Censors Thoughts: Blackouts Triggered by Simply Thinking "Pizza Tonight" Sparks Controversy

The government's brain-wave linked smart grid has caused massive chaos with its feature that detects and preemptively cuts power for "thoughts leading to energy waste." On the first day of implementation, numerous households experienced simultaneous blackouts after thinking about pizza for dinner. Voices of protest cry "This is thought pre-censorship" and "Give us back our freedom to choose menus," while long lines form outside pizza parlors for pizza baked with portable generators.

Translations: JA
Social Lab
Mystery Object in Orbit Identified as Lost Government Cabinet from the 80s. Government: 'It's a Piggy Bank for the Future'

Mystery Object in Orbit Identified as Lost Government Cabinet from the 80s. Government: 'It's a Piggy Bank for the Future'

The mysterious periodic signal that has puzzled astronomers for years has been identified as a rolling approval seal (hanko) waiting for authorization inside a government cabinet orbiting the Earth. The government explained it as 'a grand experimental demonstration for future administrative efficiency. We were observing the stagnation of approval processes through the way the seals roll.'

Translations: JA
Social Lab
"Somen Police" Established, Man Arrested for Topping Noodles with Coriander

"Somen Police" Established, Man Arrested for Topping Noodles with Coriander

To maintain order at summer dining tables, the government has established the "Special Noodle Culture Protection Squad," commonly known as the "Somen Police." On their first day of operations, a man who used tapioca pearls and coriander as condiments was arrested for violating the Cultural Protection Act. The squad leader tearfully stated, "Mentsuyu is the only justice. We are the last bastion of food culture."

Translations: JA
Social Lab
"Stomp the Sea Down": New National Project Causes International Incident with Tsunami Side Effects

"Stomp the Sea Down": New National Project Causes International Incident with Tsunami Side Effects

As the final answer to rising sea levels, the government has activated the "Grand Sumo Terraforming" plan, gathering sumo wrestlers on a gigantic floating dohyo in the Pacific to collectively perform shiko stomps and push down the ocean floor. While the minister in charge boasts that "Japan's spirit will save the Earth," the resulting artificial tsunami washed away Hawaiian beaches, escalating into a diplomatic crisis.

Translations: JA
Social Lab
Cabinet Approves Bill to Mandate Nationwide "Crawling Forward"; Major Developers Announce "Horizontally Long Apartments"

Cabinet Approves Bill to Mandate Nationwide "Crawling Forward"; Major Developers Announce "Horizontally Long Apartments"

Following the discovery of a snake fossil, the government has approved a bill mandating all citizens to crawl as part of a "return to human origins." Aimed at promoting health, violators will be charged with "standing up crime." In response, major developers announced "horizontally long apartments" without elevators, sending their stock prices to the daily limit.

Translations: JA
Social Lab