Cities Turn Into Bio-Villages Amid Rainy Season, Umbrellas Certified as Protective Gear

As record-breaking heavy rains continue nationwide, health authorities suddenly declared a 'biohazard caused by rainy season bacteria.' As an infection prevention measure, household umbrellas were designated as 'simplified protective suits,' with citizens advised to 'wear them open 24 hours a day.' However, commuter trains are already on the verge of collapse due to the mass of open umbrellas.

2025-07-05

Translations: JA

Otherworld Pocket

As record-breaking heavy rains continue nationwide, health authorities suddenly declared a ‘biohazard caused by rainy season bacteria.’ As an infection prevention measure, household umbrellas were designated as ‘simplified protective suits,’ with citizens advised to ‘wear them open 24 hours a day.’ However, commuter trains are already on the verge of collapse due to the mass of open umbrellas.

Early morning on the 8th, as metropolitan rain gauges continued to max out daily, the Ministry of Health and Rain held a press conference announcing, “The risk of droplet-based moist infection from Tsu-you bacillus has increased.” The classification is biohazard grade “M2: Vaguely Dangerous.” However, the designated protective gear was neither rubber gloves nor N95 masks, but the vinyl umbrellas sleeping in household entrances.

The ministry asserted that “a 60-centimeter radius water-repellent barrier secures individual survival zones,” naming umbrellas as “personal humidity isolation devices.” Folding types were deemed unsuitable as “transformation time increases death risk.” As a result, the morning rush hour became a forest of open long umbrellas, with the theoretical passenger capacity per train car reaching minus 12 people.

Despite the chaos in the streets, the government office boasted, “Umbrellas are already a national icon with zero procurement cost.” To concerns about umbrella shortages, they cunningly promoted community policy, suggesting “borrowing one from under the eaves deepens bonds.”

Meanwhile, according to preliminary data from the National Institute of Humid Bacteria, the rainy season bacteria is actually “a mixture of pollen riding on raindrops and nostalgia,” with toxicity comparable to miso soup steam. A researcher started to say “at least there’s no zombification” before falling silent.

Economically, umbrella manufacturer stocks hit daily limit ups. Industry associations rejoiced at “achieving domestic production of protective suits,” while raincoat manufacturers protested in the downpour, asking “Why aren’t we with hoods included?” Department store rooftops opened “24-hour fitting booths,” with salarymen laying out sleeping bags late at night becoming commonplace.

The cultural scene is heating up. On social media, the “Umbrella Custom Club” decorating protective umbrellas is surging, with “hyper sticks” featuring air purifiers attached to handles going viral. Street performances enforced “all audience members at fixed intervals via umbrella shafts,” creating bizarre scenes of immobilized crowds entering encores.

Experts remain cool. The Urban Safety Planning Research Group pointed out, “The moment the weather clears, countless umbrellas will close simultaneously and become unemployed.” They warned about the disappearance of the “taking shelter from rain” culture that has protected citizens’ psychological safety, concluding “countries that fear rain will cry over water shortages,” though no one in the press seats could open their water bottles.

Stakeholder Comments

Ministry of Health and Rain Official: “Umbrellas have higher penetration rates than universal health insurance. We’d be fools not to use them.”
Commuter Train Door: “Why is my durability test happening now?”
Vinyl Umbrella (personified): “For the first time in my life, I’ve been called ’life-saving equipment.’”
Rainy Season Bacteria: “I was just trying to help people enjoy the humidity…”
Umbrella Manufacturer CEO: “Next, we’ll add bulletproof functions to parasols.”
Raincoat Union Representative: “Reclaim the life with sleeves!”
Public Health Professor: “The precipitation of crisis awareness and actual precipitation often flow in reverse.”
Economic Analyst: “The antibacterial coating market is more ephemeral than a rainbow.”
Station Cleaning Robot: “My rotating brush got tangled in umbrella shafts and I’ve reached retirement.”
Weather Forecaster: “Tomorrow will be sunny. In other words, it’s a chance for policy reversal.”