Parliament Hires Trolls as Official Commentators – New "Insult Quota" Turns Legislative Records to Ashes

Parliament announces hiring of social media users with 3+ years trolling experience as official commentators for "real public opinion reflection." Requirements include "stamina to insult 100 times daily," with parliamentary records already in flames.

2025-07-23

Translations: JA

Social Lab

Parliament Hires Trolls as Official Commentators – New "Insult Quota" Turns Legislative Records to Ashes

Parliament announces hiring of social media users with 3+ years trolling experience as official commentators for “real public opinion reflection.” Requirements include “stamina to insult 100 times daily,” with parliamentary records already in flames.

“We’ll be the first to light the fire in the main chamber.” A veteran ruling party member serving as interviewer boasted at the recruitment briefing for the newly established “National Sentiment Division.” Qualifications include “50+ reports filed against you” and “90%+ block rate.” The interview includes impromptu tests of insulting others in haiku form, with successful candidates hurling real-time heckling from the gallery at parliamentary speeches. The budget was transferred from “peacekeeping expenses” to “stress relief allocation.” The Finance Act remains silent today.

The key driver for implementation is promoting “participatory digital democracy.” The Policy Research Council positioned “online flaming as the modern Roman Forum” and concluded that “shouts are also the sovereign’s breath.” Trial operations have already begun in the chamber, with insulting comments streaming on screens alongside parliamentary questions. A new opposition member ranking last in speaking frequency lamented, “Comments become parliamentary records faster than speeches,” putting down the microphone to grab a smartphone.

The initial hiring quota is 20 people. Half are expected to multiply themselves fivefold through “multi-account operations.” The National Personnel Authority raised the white flag saying “civil service ethics regulations don’t cover keyboard pounding,” while the Ministry of Education is swiftly drafting “Energy-Efficient Insult Guidelines.” The National Diet Library bears the obligation to preserve comments, causing server room thermal runaway. Unconfirmed reports circulate of pump trucks being deployed from the adjacent Imperial Palace moat to secure cooling water.

Meanwhile, citizens express a mix of welcome and horror. Supporters exclaim, “It’s a dream to have my insults engraved in official national records.” Opponents frown, calling it “a new form of masochism where we pay taxes to feed others’ slander.” Polling companies switched to recorded tapes repeating “I understand your feelings” after their phones caught fire. Notably, 30,000 insults have flooded even those tapes, making the automatic transcription AI cry.

Ripples spread overseas too. The Nordic Silent Parliament commented, “We envy debates hotter than saunas,” while a certain South American country seriously considers “earning foreign currency by exporting domestic trolls.” The UN spokesperson stated, “World peace and comment sections are incompatible, but it’s an interesting attempt,” with the accompanying interpreter emphasizing three times, “That’s a personal opinion.” The foreign exchange market plans to list an “Insult Index” as a new futures commodity.

Expert evaluations are divided. Psychologists affirm it as “anger visualization purifies society,” while linguists warn of “accelerating vocabulary poverty.” AI ethicists worry about “a future where toxic data contaminates trained models and refrigerators taunt their owners.” But public broadcasting, with soaring ratings, considers “Late Night Parliament Channel with Insult Commentary.” Sleepless citizens apparently soothe their frustrations with midnight heckling as lullabies.

The system’s destination: “public laughter or disillusionment.” Unauthorized “Anyone Can Be a Flaming Legislator” campaign posters already plaster the ginkgo trees outside the Diet building, creating an infinite scroll as security removes them only to have more appear. Will it spread golden words or just sparks? The quiet addition of “fire extinguisher expansion costs” to next year’s budget remains the only calm realpolitik so far.

Stakeholder Comments

First Hire @StoneColdTroll: “Finally a civil servant. Worth getting blocked by my parents”
Speaker’s Chair (personified): “Install a fire hydrant or I’ll burn out”
Article 21 of Constitution (proxy): “Freedom of expression? More like free fall”
Parliamentary Record AI: “Today’s insults up 3,200 words from yesterday. Dictionary bloat causing memory screams”
Ruling Party Secretary-General: “Votes move more by loud jeers than quiet support. It’s physics”
New Opposition Member: “Flaming feels more responsive than Kasumigaseki… wait, that’s wrong!”
Server Room Cooling Fan: “WHIRRR! This hot air is democracy itself”
National Language Teachers Association President: “Youth vocabulary doesn’t grow, only insult endings diversify”
Nordic Parliament Delegation Leader: “We’d like to adopt this too, but snow and insults don’t mix well”
National Pension Fund: “Considering whether throat damage from slander qualifies for workers’ compensation”