National Senior Federation Unifies Retirement Funds as 'Physical Lemon Payment'; Pension Offices Enveloped in Citrus Aroma

"The citric acid cycle is the ultimate asset management" - With the government's new policy, retirement savings become mountains of lemons. Recipients sleep on lemon pillows and give lemons as New Year's gifts to grandchildren in this bizarre new custom. "The tears from the sourness are tears of joy," claim seniors as real tears stream down their faces.

2025-08-13

Translations: JA

Muscle Arena

National Senior Federation Unifies Retirement Funds as 'Physical Lemon Payment'; Pension Offices Enveloped in Citrus Aroma

“The citric acid cycle is the ultimate asset management” — Following the new policy jointly developed by the government and the National Senior Asset Federation (NSAF), pension offices nationwide are now enveloped in an overwhelming citrus aroma. This is because lump-sum retirement payments, the reward for years of hard work, have been completely converted from financial assets to fresh produce in the form of “fresh lemons.” This overly bold asset protection strategy has not just thrown a stone into retirement planning but has thrown an actual giant lemon itself.

NSAF Chairman Tanaka Remonsai vigorously advocates for the significance of this “Citrus New Deal Policy.” “The era of being swayed by volatile markets is over. From now on, health capital is an individual’s greatest asset. We provide the people with unwavering value in the form of Vitamin C,” he boasts. According to government calculations, this policy will extend the national average life expectancy by 0.8%, with the accompanying reduction in medical costs expected to exceed the national budget. When asked where these figures came from, officials mumbled about “ongoing rigorous review.”

One week since the system’s launch, the public is already showing confusion and a certain creative resignation. Mr. Suzuki (68), a former company employee who received a truckload of lemons instead of his retirement fund at a Tokyo pension office, says with a strained smile, “They won’t fit through my front door. For now, I’m sleeping on lemon pillows, but every time I turn over, I have sour dreams.” In some areas, scenes of grandchildren receiving net bags of lemons as New Year’s gifts have been observed, with reports of children crying, “Yellow ones again?”

This bizarre strategy is creating a new economic sphere called the “Citrus Economy.” Spontaneous “open-air markets” rather than black markets are emerging everywhere for lemon bartering. Unique rates are forming: 10 lemons for one radish, 100 for a haircut. Demand for lemon squeezers and honey has skyrocketed, with related company stocks hitting their daily limit. It’s not “when the wind blows, the barrel-maker profits” but rather “when lemons arrive, the squeezer-makers laugh.”

Meanwhile, expert opinions are sharply divided. Professor Emeritus Sato Fumio of Imperial University praises it as “the ultimate wellbeing intervention by the state, the dawn of ‘Lemonism’ that the world should acclaim.” In contrast, Professor Yamada Taro of Waseda University’s Economics Department harshly criticizes: “This is not asset distribution but debt imposition. It’s equivalent to imposing a quota on citizens to consume before things rot. The country will rot before they ripen.”

In urban areas, illegal dumping of excess lemons has become a social problem. Crows are flying away with lemons in their beaks, and damage from “acidic juice” rather than acid rain corroding bronze statues has begun. The government released a statement saying, “Lemons can be eaten peel and all. We expect the wisdom of the people to utilize them without waste,” maintaining their stance that responsibility lies with the citizens.

Will these yellow fruits become golden fruits that save our super-aging society, or will they merely sour the nation’s future? The contrast between the refreshing aroma wafting from pension offices and the exhausted expressions of recipients ironically reflects this country’s destiny.

Stakeholder Comments

Mr. Suzuki (Former company employee, 68): “I was planning a world tour with my retirement fund, but now I can barely circle around my home’s lemon mountain. I can’t tell if my tears are salty or sour.”
Tanaka Remonsai (NSAF Chairman): “We’re aware of the criticism. But in 10 years, you’ll thank us with your lemon-polished healthy bodies!”
Lemon (Physical payment item): “Are we really such a burden? We’re giving you Vitamin C, aren’t we…”
Grandchild (7 years old): “Grandpa, I don’t want any more lemonade. I want a Switch game.”
Sato Fumio (Imperial University Professor Emeritus): “This is wonderful. A paradigm shift from financial capitalism to health-based physical capitalism!”
Pension office staff: “Counter service has become easier, but my eyes are stinging and my uniform always smells like lemons…”
Lemon squeezer manufacturer CEO: “Thank the ’lemon wind’ not the divine wind! We can’t keep up with production!”
Crow: “Recently our delicacies are yellow and sour. Among us crows, they’re considered luxury items, caw!”
Citric acid: “Finally, the era has caught up with me. Now work, humans!”
Future historian: “21st century Japan’s ‘Great Lemon Era’ has become the most inexplicable yet fascinating research subject for future historians.”