Cabinet Approves Bill to Mandate Nationwide "Crawling Forward"; Major Developers Announce "Horizontally Long Apartments"

Following the discovery of a snake fossil, the government has approved a bill mandating all citizens to crawl as part of a "return to human origins." Aimed at promoting health, violators will be charged with "standing up crime." In response, major developers announced "horizontally long apartments" without elevators, sending their stock prices to the daily limit.

2025-08-17

Translations: JA

Social Lab

Cabinet Approves Bill to Mandate Nationwide "Crawling Forward"; Major Developers Announce "Horizontally Long Apartments"

Following the discovery of a snake fossil, the government has approved a bill mandating all citizens to crawl as part of a “return to human origins.” Aimed at promoting health, violators will be charged with “standing up crime.” In response, major developers announced “horizontally long apartments” without elevators, sending their stock prices to the daily limit.

The government today shockingly approved the “Bill for National Health Promotion and Ancestral Retrospection through Encouraged Crawling Forward.” The trigger was reportedly the discovery of mysterious traces in a recently found ancient giant snake fossil in Japan, suggesting “an extremely stable and harmonious society.” The government’s Future Life Design Office analyzed that “bipedalism was, so to speak, an ‘adolescent mistake’ in human evolution. A competitive society aiming for heights created inequality and stress.” They emphasized the noble philosophy: “Returning to the earth and living in a low posture brings true harmony and health.”

The business world adapted with surprising speed to this decision. Major developer “Daichi-sho” immediately announced the concept of new condominiums called “Horizontal Heights.” With all units on a single floor and completely eliminating elevators and stairs, the horizontal design features corridors stretching up to 1.5 kilometers in the longest building. The company’s press release featured the almost philosophical catchphrase: “Don’t look up, the future is horizontal. We liberate space from vertical to horizontal.” To solve mobility inconveniences, they plan to include standard “personal crawling carts” that glide on linear rails embedded in the floor, causing the company’s stock to hit the daily limit.

This “low posture revolution” has sparked mixed reactions from experts. Professor Emeritus Saruwatari of evolutionary anthropology at Tokyo University warns, “We Homo sapiens developed our brains by using tools with hands freed by bipedalism. Abandoning this could open the path to intellectual degeneration.” However, he also expressed complex feelings, showing some understanding: “If we can commute looking at the ground instead of others’ backs of heads on crowded trains, modern stress might be significantly reduced.”

The new bill applies “standing up crime” to citizens who walk upright for more than three seconds in public without valid reason. First offenders receive a stern warning and three hours of community service “street cleaning by crawling,” while repeat offenders face longer service hours plus submission of a 10-page reflection essay titled “Why Did I Want to Stand Up?”

The apparel industry is already rushing to develop “Business Crawl Suits” with reinforced knee and elbow pads, while the sports world is coordinating to make “mixed-gender crawling relay” an official event at the next National Sports Festival. Stairs, previously problematic from a barrier-free perspective, are now being considered for designation as cultural assets as “precious relics from the bipedal era.”

The government claims “crawling forward is the ultimate SDGs.” The logic is that by becoming one with the earth and meeting nature at eye level, environmental consideration naturally develops. Existing wheelchair users will be honored as “advanced low-posture lifestyle pioneers” of this transformation.

Where are we heading? Or rather, where are we crawling to? What awaits us, freed from neck pain from looking up at buildings—a truly peaceful society or mere mud? The answer lies quietly ahead at our new eye level.

Stakeholder Comments

Government Future Life Design Office Official: “This isn’t degeneration, it’s a return to origins. A ‘strategic low posture,’ if you will.”
Daichi-sho CEO: “The vertical inequality society is over. From now on, it’s a horizontal solidarity society. Our condominiums will be its foundation.”
Professor Emeritus Saruwatari: “Whether brains shrink or stress decreases, it’s a grand social experiment. My biggest concern is whether my knees will hold up.”
Predicted First Standing Up Crime Offender: “I was just captivated by the beautiful sunset… I’ll write my reflection essay while crawling.”
Knee Pads: “Our time has come. We’ll support human evolution from below!”
Ancient Snake Fossil: “I was just curled up sleeping…”
The Earth: “Welcome back. I’ve been waiting.”
Urban Crows: “Now that humans are lower, it’s easier to pick up dropped items, caw.”
Trouser Hems: “Without our sacrifice, this reform cannot be achieved.”
Fashion Designer: “How beautifully dust swirls when crawling forward—that’s next season’s theme.”

International Expressions

Haiku

Summer grass where / Warriors once crawled their paths / Leaving traces deep
Licking the ground / How distant seems the sky above / When looking upward
Stand up and become / A sinful person beneath / The autumn sky
Scraped kneecaps now / Announce the new law to us / With stinging pain
Through horizontal / Windows drift the summer clouds / Across mountain peaks
In this world no more / Looking down or looking up / At anyone
Sliding forward / Evening sun upon our backs / As we progress
Building winds cannot / Reach the path where I advance / Close to the ground
The day when stairs become / Ancient ruins of the past / May soon arrive
Did a snake’s dream / Decide this national policy / For our country?

Kanji / Chinese Characters

Snake fossil discovery government citizens crawling forward mandate bill cabinet approval health promotion purpose violators standing crime application major developers horizontal housing announcement stock price surge