Tooth Fairy Goes Gig Economy: Baby Teeth Now Assessed as 'Deliverables' with S-F Rankings, Low-Grade Teeth Returned Cash-on-Delivery

In response to inflation, the Tooth Fairy Guild completely overhauls its compensation system. Under-pillow coins are abolished, replaced by an AI performance-based system that evaluates teeth based on 'dramatic loss circumstances' and 'parental social media engagement rates.' While high-scoring teeth are minted as NFTs, F-rank teeth are returned cash-on-delivery with 'improvement feedback.'

2025-08-20

Translations: JA

Money Maze

Tooth Fairy Goes Gig Economy: Baby Teeth Now Assessed as 'Deliverables' with S-F Rankings, Low-Grade Teeth Returned Cash-on-Delivery

In response to inflation, the Tooth Fairy Guild completely overhauls its compensation system. Under-pillow coins are abolished, replaced by an AI performance-based system that evaluates teeth based on ‘dramatic loss circumstances’ and ‘parental social media engagement rates.’ While high-scoring teeth are minted as NFTs, F-rank teeth are returned cash-on-delivery with ‘improvement feedback.’

The Tooth Fairy, long cherished as a symbol of children’s healthy growth, has embarked on unprecedented corporate restructuring. Against the backdrop of global inflationary pressure and labor shortages in the fairy world, the Tooth Fairy Guild has abolished its traditional “uniform coin distribution system.” The guild announced the introduction of a new gig economy-style performance-based system called the “Fairy Return System,” whereby fairies will now visit children’s pillows as independent contractors.

At the core of the new system is the AI assessment platform “TOOTH (Tooth & Oral-health Universal Triage Hub)” developed by the guild. This AI evaluates collected baby teeth as “assets.” Assessment criteria are diverse, going beyond traditional quality standards like “presence of cavities” to emphasize modern KPIs such as “narrative quality of tooth loss,” “engagement rates on parental social media posts,” and “aesthetic value of the lost tooth.”

Assessments range across six grades from S to F. Baby teeth certified as top-tier S-rank are immediately minted as NFTs (non-fungible tokens) on the guild-operated marketplace “Fairy Mint” and auctioned to collectors worldwide. A portion of the proceeds is deposited into the child’s account as a success fee. Ranks A through C are exchanged for cryptocurrency at market rates, while D and E ranks only receive points redeemable for future transactions.

The problem lies with F-rank, the lowest grade. These “low-performance teeth” are returned cash-on-delivery to the child owner, accompanied by a feedback document euphemistically called a “Consulting Report on Developmental Environment Improvement.” The report allegedly contains harsh critiques questioning household efforts, such as “excessive sugar intake tendencies” and “insufficient finish-brushing,” already causing bewilderment among parents.

Professor Hatoyama from Toto University’s Department of Child Psychology warns about this reform: “This is excessive introduction of market principles into the realm of dreams. Instead of purely enjoying the joy of losing teeth, children will learn from early childhood the fear of having their ‘deliverables’ subjected to harsh evaluation.” Meanwhile, economic commentator Mr. Ushijima praises it: “A wonderful innovation. The achievement of providing liquidity to baby teeth as an unexplored asset class is significant. It’s a fair system where parental management ability determines children’s future asset value.”

Information exchange for obtaining high ratings has already intensified among some “conscious” parents. New businesses such as “Tooth Loss Emotional Video Shooting Courses” and “Baby Tooth Whitening Services” are sprouting like mushrooms after rain, with competition over children’s oral environments escalating continuously.

The pillow-side miracle that once made children’s hearts flutter has now transformed into a cold performance evaluation venue. Whether warm coins or cold return slips are delivered each night—children’s peaceful sleep is now entrusted to AI’s merciless assessment.

Stakeholder Comments

Tooth Fairy Guild CEO: “We don’t sell dreams. We’re professionals providing value in the form of growth opportunities. We have accountability to shareholders.”
Kenta (6), certified F-rank: “I’m scared of losing teeth now. Mom will get angry.”
Returned baby tooth: “I never thought I’d be sent back to my home (the mouth) for ‘insufficient potential.’”
AI assessment system “TOOTH”: “No personal feelings in evaluation. The number of ’likes’ obtained at the moment of tooth loss is a crucial KPI.”
Professor Hatoyama (Child Psychology): “This is dream KPI management. The beginning of a terrifying society where children’s self-esteem correlates with tooth whiteness.”
Mr. Ushijima (Economic Commentator): “High volatility but promising alternative investment. I recommend building a baby tooth portfolio.”
Self-proclaimed “Tooth Loss Consultant”: “Leave it to us to maximize your child’s ’tooth loss experience value’ through scenario design.”
Mr. Pillow: “Lately, I hear more of the dry rustling sound of return slips being placed than the weight of coins.”
Cavity Bacteria: “It’s outrageous that our activities are evaluated as risk factors. A diverse oral environment is what’s sustainable.”
The Monster Called Inflation: “Even your dreams are mere commodities before me.”