"Somen Police" Established, Man Arrested for Topping Noodles with Coriander

To maintain order at summer dining tables, the government has established the "Special Noodle Culture Protection Squad," commonly known as the "Somen Police." On their first day of operations, a man who used tapioca pearls and coriander as condiments was arrested for violating the Cultural Protection Act. The squad leader tearfully stated, "Mentsuyu is the only justice. We are the last bastion of food culture."

2025-09-02

Translations: JA

Social Lab

"Somen Police" Established, Man Arrested for Topping Noodles with Coriander

To maintain order at summer dining tables, the government has established the “Special Noodle Culture Protection Squad,” commonly known as the “Somen Police.” On the 22nd, the first day of operations, a 34-year-old man who used tapioca pearls and coriander as condiments was arrested on suspicion of violating the newly enacted “Traditional Noodle Consumption Culture Protection Act.” The squad leader tearfully stated, “Mentsuyu is the only justice. We are the last bastion of food culture.”

In the sweltering heat of the metropolitan area, a shocking tremor ran through what should have been cool and refreshing noodles. The government, as a countermeasure to the “deepening identity crisis of food culture,” has established this “Somen Police” under the auspices of the Agency for Cultural Affairs and the Ministry of Agriculture, Forestry and Fisheries. Their mission is singular: to maintain and protect the traditional aesthetic form of summer noodle dishes.

The memorable first arrest was executed in broad daylight in a quiet residential area. The arrested individual was Mr. Makoto Tanaka (pseudonym), a graphic designer residing in Tokyo. He was apprehended by undercover officers while eating his homemade somen on his balcony. The decisive factors were the intense distinctive aroma of coriander emanating from the bowl and the black tapioca pearls creating an alien presence in the mentsuyu.

“The act of defiling somen, the clear stream of Japanese summer, with the chaotic street vendor flavors of Southeast Asia is nothing less than a clear act of terrorism against culture,” declared Squad Leader Yasujiro Ozu (58), who commanded the scene, holding up the confiscated bundle of coriander with trembling hands as he emphatically addressed the press. The officers quietly subdued Mr. Tanaka and confiscated the remaining bunch of somen and approximately 150ml of mentsuyu as evidence.

This unprecedented situation has divided expert opinion. Professor Emeritus Gonzaemon Yamada of Tokyo Metropolitan University (Food Cultural History) fully supports the government’s decision, stating, “Deviation in condiments disturbs the harmony of the community. The trinity of green onions, ginger, and myoga represents our national identity. I support the government’s bold decision.” Meanwhile, Associate Professor Jean-Pierre Suzuki, specializing in comparative cultural studies, warns against excessive regulation: “Food culture is enriched through contact with other cultures. Today’s heresy could become tomorrow’s tradition. At this rate, the police might intervene in the ‘Is mayonnaise on cold Chinese noodles acceptable?’ debate.”

The arrested Mr. Tanaka reportedly told investigators, looking dejected, “I wanted to try a fusion of refreshing smoothness and ethnic stimulation. I thought the chewy texture of tapioca would accent the monotonous somen life. I never imagined I’d be arrested.”

Following this success, there are reports that the government is already considering establishing a “Tempura Batter Thickness Optimization Division” and a “Rice Ball Filling Purity Monitoring Committee.” Will this single strand of noodle bring order and peace to our dining tables, or will it become the spark for new divisions? In the sweltering heat, the nation watches with bated breath the fate of their mentsuyu.

Stakeholder Comments

Squad Leader Yasujiro Ozu: “I can’t see through the tears of mentsuyu. The fate of Japanese summer hangs on this single strand.”
Arrested Mr. Makoto Tanaka (pseudonym): “I just wanted to try the golden ratio of fish sauce and mentsuyu next…”
Somen (Confiscated evidence): “I just wanted to be eaten deliciously… The tapioca wasn’t bad either.”
Coriander (Confiscated evidence): “They say the nail that sticks out gets hammered, but I guess the fragrance that stands out too much gets arrested.”
Mentsuyu: “I was honestly surprised when the tapioca sank in. But I felt like I saw a new world.”
Green onion: “As expected, classics like us are the best. This is what happens when newcomers get cocky.”
Chopsticks: “Grasping different cultures is always difficult.”
Summer sun: “I can’t watch this. Isn’t everyone going crazy from the heat?”
Agency for Cultural Affairs official: “This is a new pillar of the Cool Japan strategy. We’ll broadcast Japan’s ‘correct’ food culture to the world.”
Statue of Liberty: “In my country, nobody cares if you put ketchup on somen!”

International Expressions

Haiku

Summer noodles / Heretical condiment / Now in handcuffs
In cool breeze / Coriander’s fragrance / Color of guilt
Mentsuyu’s flow / Pure and clear stream / Who defiles it?
Tapioca sinks / Deep in the bottom / Of righteous broth
In Abashiri / Dreams of flowing somen / Through bamboo pipes
Police protect / Is it culture / Or just their pride?
Cicada chorus / Cannot be heard / Over sirens
Freedom means / The right to choose / Your own condiments
Chopsticks pause now / Between the scales of / Order and taste
Summer weight loss / The reason surely / Is watchful eyes

Kanji / Chinese Characters

夏食卓秩序守為政府特別麺類文化保護隊発足初日活動緑豆粉珠香草薬味男性文化保護法違反現行犯逮捕隊長麺汁唯一正義我食文化最後砦涙語

Emoji

👮‍♂️🍜🌿⚫️➡️⛓️👨‍🍳😭

Onomatopoeia

Slurp, slurp… Chewy chewy… Waft (coriander scent)… Squishy squishy… Stomp stomp stomp (officers’ footsteps) Woo! Woo! (Sirens) Grab! Clink (handcuffs) Drip drip… (squad leader’s tears)