'Natural Protein Only' - Muscular Salmon Swimming Upstream Signs Shocking Deal with Major Supplement Company

A single salmon that went viral for jumping over waterfalls has signed an unprecedented sponsorship deal with a major protein manufacturer. Its form conquering rapids with back muscles that defy fluid dynamics has driven human gym-goers to despair. “What was all our pumping for?” they cry, as people nationwide are throwing down their protein shakers in gyms.

It all started with a video uploaded to a video sharing site last month. The footage, captured at a certain river in Hokkaido, showed a silver salmon with muscles so pronounced they could only be computer-generated, launching itself into the air undeterred by the waterfall. The video spread instantly, dominating social media trends with hashtags like #SalmonBro, #NaturalPump, and #BackFromMuscleTripAbroad. Views surpassed 300 million in just a few days.

The first to spot this social phenomenon was “Muscle Frontier,” the nation’s largest supplement company. On the 6th, the company announced a lifetime sponsorship contract with this salmon, nicknamed “Salmon Muscle.” “We have always pursued the highest quality protein. The ultimate answer wasn’t in the laboratory, but in Mother Nature, in this river,” declared CEO Shirogane in a statement. This decision, which could fundamentally shake the very existence of their own products, has raised confused voices from shareholders.

Experts are amazed by this extraordinary physique. Professor Unagida Noboru of the Marine Biomechanics Laboratory at Tokyo Metropolitan University excitedly states, “The force with which his pectoral fins stroke the water rivals that of a small underwater drone. It’s as if the laws of physics are bent around him alone. This should be called a new field: ‘Salmon Dynamics.’” The National Institute of Nutrition has released initial analysis stating, “A special DHA-EPA compound detected in his body may be inducing anabolic effects at levels normally impossible.”

This series of reports has brought a serious identity crisis to the nation’s 8 million gym-goers. A man (32) who frequents a high-end gym in Tokyo sobbed while setting down his barbell, “What were these 10 years of forcing chicken breast down my throat and circulating BCAAs through my bloodstream for? He’s just swimming in a river…” Some radical nature-return advocates are calling to “Throw away your shakers, head to the river,” leading to an abnormal situation where fishing equipment store sales recorded 1200% compared to the same month last year.

The contract includes top-grade plankton as payment, permanent guarantee of spawning grounds, and funding for “environmental conservation activities in his home river.” Salmon Muscle’s migration route will be named “Muscle Stream,” with paid live streaming planned. Part of the revenue will be used to raise the next generation of “muscular fry.”

The ideal physique that humanity has pursued for years is now being embodied by a single fish swimming upstream. Must we put down our protein powder measuring spoons and prostrate ourselves before the great trainer called Nature? But now that even the salmon, symbol of nature, has become an advertising billboard for massive capital, perhaps what we really need to fight isn’t gravity, but the irresistible market principles themselves.

Stakeholder Comments

• Mr. Salmon Muscle: “(Splash splash)… Just returning home in glory. That’s all. I’m grateful to my sponsors, but my muscles belong to no one.”
• CEO Shirogane (Muscle Frontier): “He’s a walking (swimming) advertisement. Thanks to him, sales of our new ‘Salmon Flavor Protein with Salmon Roe’ are doing great.”
• Despairing gym-goer: “It’s hopeless… Bench press looks meaningless. I’m taking paid leave tomorrow to go fishing.”
• Professor Unagida Noboru (Marine Biomechanics): “His swimming is a challenge to science. Most importantly, our lab’s budget is likely to increase.”
• Home river: “I’m happy he’s coming back. But lately there are too many cameras on the riverbank, I’m a bit worried about privacy.”
• Bear waiting along the migration route: “I don’t care if he has sponsors. To me, he’s premium natural protein.”
• Abandoned protein shaker: “There’s still some left inside me… Does river water taste better than me…?”
• Fishmonger: “Recently I’m troubled by muscular customers asking for ’the most muscular salmon.’ We sell them as fillets here.”
• First video discoverer: “I’m happy it went viral, but I never imagined it would come to this. I wanted him to spawn peacefully.”
• Salmon roe (Salmon Muscle’s children): “I’ll grow up watching Dad’s back. Someday I’ll jump over waterfalls too.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Waterfall climb / Salmon muscle surpassing / Protein powder
• Shaker thrown down / Now gripping fishing rod tight / In autumn river
• Autumn river flows / Wearing capital upstream / The salmon returns
• Silver scales gleam / Jealousy flames burning bright / In the gym tonight
• Contract paper floats / Riding on the current home / To spawning grounds
• Pectoral fins mock / All human effort spent / In pursuit of strength
• Natural pump up / The salmon leaps effortlessly / Through rushing water
• Young salmon roe dream / Of father’s muscled back they’ll / Follow upstream too
• Rapids are easy / When you have sponsors backing / Your journey home
• Natural physique / The true body beautiful / Autumn’s finest taste

Kanji / Chinese Characters

滝跳越姿鮭 大手蛋白会社 異例契約 流体力学無視背筋 激流制圧 人類鍛錬者絶望 我等筋肉増強何

Emoji

🐟💪🏞️🧗➡️📄✍️🏢➡️🏋️‍♂️😭💔

Onomatopoeia

GOOO GOOO… SPLASH! FLAP FLAP! FLEX FLEX! MURMUR MURMUR… CLANG! HMMM… SOB SOB. SPARKLE SPARKLE✨ BOOM!

SNS

• #SalmonBroLegend
• #WhatWasProteinFor
• #BecomingAFishermenToday
• #MuscleIsNaturalOnly
• #CongratsOnTheSponsorDeal
• #HumanityDefeated
• #WantToQuitTheGym
• #SalmonDynamics
• #ThisIsRealOrganic
• #JustAnotherCorporateFish