All Satellites Down. Last Hope Was Space Carrier Pigeons Bred by the 'Tokugawa Family'... NASA Releases Ancient Documents

NASA held an emergency press conference. When all communication with the International Space Station was lost, the last means of communication was carrier pigeons secretly bred by the Tokugawa family capable of 'vacuum wing-flapping.' A pigeon with a USB memory stick tied to its leg reportedly broke through the atmosphere and successfully performed manual docking. Experts praised it as 'Too analog, but no hacking concerns.'

2025-09-27

Translations: JA

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All Satellites Down. Last Hope Was Space Carrier Pigeons Bred by the 'Tokugawa Family'... NASA Releases Ancient Documents

NASA announced at an emergency press conference on the 22nd that during an unprecedented crisis when communication with the International Space Station (ISS) was completely lost, the last means of communication was “space carrier pigeons” secretly bred and improved by Japan’s Tokugawa family since the Edo period. A single pigeon with an encrypted USB memory tied to its leg reportedly broke through the atmosphere on its own and successfully performed “manual docking” with the ISS.

The incident began when all ground communication satellites became non-functional due to a combined disaster of solar flares and new cyber attacks. The ISS in orbit became a silent island, leaving mission controllers worldwide scratching their heads. Even backup lines fell silent, and humanity’s crystallized wisdom seemed destined to vanish into space debris. At the brink of despair, NASA’s administrator retrieved with trembling hands the file for the decades-old top-secret agreement, “Project Edo.”

According to copies of the ancient document “The Secret Art of Space Pigeon Breeding (Sora-bato Shiiku no Hiden)” released at the conference, the Tokugawa family had initiated selective breeding of special pigeons behind the scenes of peaceful times, aiming to accelerate alternate attendance (sankin-kotai) and monopolize information. The goal was a “biological weapon capable of flight in oxygen-free environments.” This research, passed down through generations of shoguns, reportedly produced a miraculous creature with “vacuum wing-flapping muscles” that generate propulsion even in vacuum and “diamond feathers” that protect against space debris.

When NASA requested cooperation, the 19th head of the Tokugawa family readily agreed, saying, “Now is the time to fulfill Lord Ieyasu’s will.” Elite pigeon “Hayabusa No. 3” was immediately deployed for the mission. Launched from the ground launch pad (a paulownia box), Hayabusa No. 3 flew at astonishing speed through the stratosphere, heading straight for the ISS’s specific airlock. Lured by the feed (highest quality hemp seeds) offered by astronauts, it landed without the slightest error.

The world was engulfed in a whirlwind of amazement and laughter at this overly analog rescue drama. However, cybersecurity expert Dr. James O’Reilly evaluated it seriously: “It’s the ultimate air gap. No hacker can hack a pigeon’s homing instinct.” The primitive method of physically carrying data ironically proved to be the safest means.

The doctor further stated, “This is a warning about technology. We’ve become too dependent on fragile single systems in exchange for convenience. The Tokugawa Shogunate’s crisis management awareness is something we modern people should learn from,” suggesting that research on “biological data transfer methods” will accelerate in various countries.

Following this announcement, defense agencies worldwide are stirring. The UK Ministry of Defence is rumored to have begun space adaptation training for “Royal hawks” managed by MI6, and speculation is flying that China has secretly started a project to search for “descendants of runners who traversed the Great Wall.”

Humanity’s space development has been forced to return to its origins by a single pigeon nurtured centuries ago in a Japanese castle. What will save us in the next crisis - cutting-edge AI or ancient wisdom gathering dust in storage? Our gaze toward space now carries a hint of anxiety and a new worry about whether pigeon droppings might fall.

Stakeholder Comments

NASA Administrator “Unbelievable, but it’s true. A single bird saved our multi-trillion-dollar system. I’m already getting stomach pains thinking about how to explain this to the budget committee.”
19th Head of the Tokugawa Family “I never thought the day would actually come to fly it to space… I’m somewhat perplexed that our ancestral secret is now known to the world. I plan to bill NASA for the feed costs.”
ISS Astronaut “When I saw a pigeon outside the window, I thought it was a stress-induced hallucination. The contents of the USB it brought were orbital correction data and a masterfully written note saying ‘Well done’ from the head of the family.”
Carrier Pigeon Hayabusa No. 3 “Coo! (Translation: It was colder than expected, but the view from orbit was spectacular. Earth’s beans are blue.)”
Cyber Terrorist “Our perfect program was… Birds were completely in our blind spot. Next, we’ll plan an operation using cats to cut power lines.”
USB Memory “I never thought I’d travel to space on a bird’s foot. It was a thrilling life(?).”
Ancient Document ‘The Secret Art of Space Pigeon Breeding’ “My true value has finally been recognized. I’ve been waiting for this moment for hundreds of years in the back of a closet.”
Ornithologist “I never knew pigeon homing instinct was galactic scale… All my research must be rewritten. First, I must decipher the ancient documents.”
Citizen (Anonymous) “I was troubled by pigeon droppings on my balcony, but from now on I’ll show them respect. They might be space pilot candidates.”
The Vacuum “My specialty was silence, but suddenly being flapped at was extremely annoying.”