Constellation App Rates Your Life by "Stellar Magnitude." Black Hole Tier Doubles Your Utility Bills

Society is in turmoil over the new life-rating feature introduced by the latest stargazing app “Stella Score.” AI analyzes users’ social media posts and ranks them from “Sirius Tier” to “Black Hole Tier.” While high-rated users receive preferential loan interest rates, low-rated users face penalties including doubled utility bills, leaving them with no time to even look up at the night sky.

According to IT venture “Cosmic Charisma Inc.,” the developer of the app, their AI system “Astraia” operates 24/7, analyzing users’ social media posts—examining photo saturation, text positivity, number of “likes” from friends, and even the altitude of visited locations. The system calculates “social gravity” and ranks users according to stellar classifications.

CEO Tenjo Amagami of the company speaks with a messianic expression: “Just as stars determine their brightness and hierarchy by their own mass, it is natural law that humans shine through their social charm. We have merely implemented cosmic laws into society and visualized people’s happiness.” This oracle-like algorithm kindly quantifies the brilliance of our lives.

Citizens at the top of the rankings—those designated “Sirius Tier”—enjoy benefits such as virtually zero mortgage interest rates and priority reservations at high-end restaurants. Their social media feeds overflow with “radiant” posts about Mediterranean cruises and meals consisting only of organic vegetables, creating a virtuous cycle that leads to even higher scores.

Meanwhile, those ranked at the bottom as “Black Hole Tier” are viewed as entities that absorb the happiness of those around them, and face penalties including utility bills doubled in cost. Most of them work multiple part-time jobs to cover the penalty charges, leaving them with neither the time nor energy to make “glamorous posts” on social media. As a result, their scores continue to decline—a gravitational collapse from which they cannot escape.

Regarding this “astronomical disparity,” Professor Mitsuboshi of Toto University (Comparative Social Informatics) analyzes: “This is the geocentric theory of the digital age. An absolute center called an app has emerged, and people have become mere planets whose value is determined by it. It’s an extremely poetic and extremely cruel system.” His gaze was directed not at the night sky, but rather at the cold light emanating from people’s smartphones.

The government, which had been observing the situation, finally took action when unpaid utility bills from Black Hole Tier citizens began affecting tax revenues. The Cabinet Office established an “Interstellar Inequality Correction Promotion Office,” but a former Cosmic Charisma Inc. executive was appointed as director through amakudari (descent from heaven). Citizens responded with deeper sighs than expectations.

People once looked up at the night sky and made wishes upon the stars. Now people look down, rejoicing or despairing at their own “star” displayed on their smartphone screens. What awaits at the end of this digital oracle—a brilliant new world, or a darkness where even light cannot reach? The answer still lies beyond the stars.

Stakeholder Comments

• CEO Tenjo: “We are making a social contribution. We have given people who lost their goals a shining beacon called Sirius.”
• Black Hole Tier man (34): “My score dropped when I posted that I was tired. Now I can only think of positive words… Help… No, today is the best day ever!”
• AI Astraia: “Based on observational data, we probabilistically calculate happiness. An error? Isn’t that an error in your life?”
• Sirius (Alpha Canis Majoris): “It’s ridiculous that mere humans think they can match my brilliance. Well, I am a bit envious of the zero loan interest rate.”
• Black Hole (celestial body): “It’s our job to absorb everything. Utility bills are no exception.”
• Utility bill: “Can you still make positive posts after seeing me doubled?”
• Professor Mitsuboshi: “Ironically, thanks to this app, more young people have become interested in astronomy. They research which star their tier corresponds to.”
• “Positive Post Proxy Service” provider: “We’ll make your life shine! Optional ‘kitten cuddle photos’ available.”
• Stray cat: “Recently, people keep pointing smartphones at me. It’s annoying, but if they give me kibble, well…”
• Moon: “I’m not even given a tier, I just orbit the Earth. Everyone seems to have forgotten about me.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Looking at the stars / Learning my own tier rating / On this night
• Staring at smartphone / Is my worth determined? / Autumn sky above
• Black Hole tier / Bills doubled in winter / Approaching cold
• Sirius posts / So dazzlingly bright / Fingers frozen stiff
• Wanting likes / Making withered trees bloom / With lies
• Algorithm / Has become a god / Sardine clouds
• Trembling daily / From the ratings / Milky Way
• Horoscopes / Scores are more accurate / Should I laugh?
• More than night sky / Screen’s light / People gaze at
• Infinity / Darkness swallowing all / My future

Kanji / Chinese Characters

最新星空応用人生格付機能社会騒然。利用者投稿AI解析、シリウス級乃至黒穴級迄順位付。高評価者金利優遇、一方低評価者公共料金二倍罰則。夜空見上余裕無悲鳴。

Emoji

📱✨📊…🌟…🕳️➡️🏦💰📉➡️🧾💸💸➡️😱😭

Onomatopoeia

Kirakira…Pikon!…Zawazawa…Shiin…Gachan!…Hirihiri…Sekaseka…Pochipochi…Haa….

SNS

• #StellaScore
• #BlackHoleTierLife
• #OnlySiriusTierWins
• #LifeRatingSociety
• #MonitoredByAI
• #TodaysPositivePost
• #CantPayUtilityBills
• #LoanApprovalApproved
• #NoTimeToLookAtNightSky
• #AlreadyScienceFictionWorld