"Drinkable Fossil" Latest Protein Supplement Causes Side Effect: Biceps Transform into Ammonites

A wellness-conscious gym announced a new protein supplement cultivated from Jurassic-era microbes. With just one sip, your muscles transcend time and evolve into precious specimens that will astound archaeologists millions of years from now. “This isn’t muscle training, it’s self-fossilization,” boasts the developer.

The relentless pursuit of physical transformation has finally transcended space and time, venturing into the realm of paleontology. A new protein supplement called “Jurassic Gains,” released by health food venture company Paleo Future Inc., has been found to cause a phenomenon among some users where their biceps harden into a spiral shape—commonly known as “ammonitization.” The company describes this as “unexpected evolution.”

The product is an innovative supplement created by culturing Jurassic-era microbes called “Musculus primordialis” (strength-enhancing ancient archaea) discovered in Siberian permafrost, blended with genetically modified soybeans. It was advertised to act directly on users’ muscle fibers, promoting “permanent pump-up through calcification.” At the product launch, development director Iwao Iwakura proudly declared, “We’re not selling protein. We’re selling your own legend that will be displayed in museums of the future.”

The first report of abnormalities came from a social media post by popular fitness influencer “Muscle KENJI.” “Lately, my bicep won’t go down. It’s at peak flex 24/7. #JurassicGains #SelfFossilizationProject” read the positive message, accompanied by a photo clearly showing spiral-shaped protrusions. Initially praised as the “ultimate definition,” similar reports from multiple users soon followed, drawing the attention of the medical community.

According to Toto University Hospital, which conducted detailed examinations, MRI images of patients’ biceps showed a staggering 98.7% match with cross-sections of ammonite fossils from the Mesozoic Era. The muscle fibers had calcified, forming beautiful logarithmic spirals while becoming rigid. Patients can no longer contract them at will. The medical team expressed bewilderment: “This is unprecedented. Treatment may require consultation with archaeologists.”

Expert opinions on this phenomenon are sharply divided. Professor Rui Kokaku, an authority in paleontology, offered unrestrained praise: “A living fossil—no, the birth of humanity that has willingly fossilized itself. Magnificent!” Meanwhile, the Japan Society of Sports Medicine issued a joint statement expressing strong concern: “This is functional death of muscle tissue, absolutely not evolution.”

While inquiries flood the Consumer Affairs Agency, Paleo Future Inc. itself has pushed back: “This is not a side effect but ‘super-evolution’ that appears only in certain compatible individuals. Ammonitized arms boast hardness rivaling diamonds and can withstand any impact.” Furthermore, the company announced plans for limited sales of a special package dubbed “Ammonite Arm,” displaying what could be seen as a defiant attitude.

Among hardcore training enthusiasts, this “ammonitization” is becoming a new status symbol. With the motto “Muscles perish, but fossils are eternal,” many young people today eagerly shake their protein shakers, determined to transform their bodies into works of art that will last for eternity.

Does humanity aim for the pinnacle of evolution, or the display shelves of museums? The answer may lie in the shaker in your hand.

Stakeholder Comments

• CEO Iwao Iwakura: “Our product doesn’t offer temporary satisfaction, but eternal physical beauty. Wouldn’t you like to become Michelangelo’s David displayed in an art museum?”
• Muscle KENJI: “I can’t hold dumbbells anymore, but this arm itself is the ultimate dumbbell. Above all, it photographs well.”
• Mr. Ammonite (specimen from 100 million years ago): “Lately, I feel like my kind has increased. And they smell oddly of protein.”
• Attending physician: “How am I supposed to write this medical report? ‘Biceps brachii, classified under Order Ammonoidea’?”
• Professor Kokaku of paleontology: “If you excavate fossils with this arm, efficiency might improve. It’s truly the ouroboros of paleontology!”
• Protein shaker: “The contents keep getting heavier. You need an arm just to shake it.”
• Jurassic microbe: “I never dreamed that 100 million years later, I’d become part of a health-conscious person’s muscles.”
• Consumer Affairs Agency representative: “Whether this is health damage or artistic activity is difficult to judge. For now, we’ll establish an expert committee.”
• Gym colleague: “When that guy’s arm bumps into you, it hurts like hell. It’s basically a weapon now.”
• Future archaeologist: “From the 21st-century geological layer, massive amounts of ammonites keep emerging alongside protein shakers… It’s a mystery.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Arms spiral tight / ancient swirls emerge / winter at the gym
• Protein consumed / biceps turn to fossils / now
• Flexed muscle stays / never returns to rest / autumn deepens
• Permafrost melts / muscles draw spirals / evolution
• Shaker’s foam / flexibility fades away / with bubbles
• Muscle fibers / turned to stone they are / cold morning
• Showing off pride / arm stays ammonite / forever now
• Museum waits / for my biceps / exhibition planned
• Too hard to bend / T-shirt sleeve won’t / pass through anymore
• Pump-up achieved / ultimate end result / stone it becomes

Kanji / Chinese Characters

意識高系体育館 紀元微生物培養新蛋白発表 一口飲筋肉時超 数百万年後考古学者驚 貴重標本進化開発者自慢

Emoji

💪➡️🦕➡️🥤➡️💪🌀 fossil 😱👨‍⚕️🏛️

Onomatopoeia

Glug glug, grrr, flex flex… Click click, grind grind, spiral spiral… Silence… (can’t move) Murmur murmur…

SNS

• #JurassicGains
• #SelfFossilizationProject
• #AmmoniteArm
• #MusclesAreEternal
• #SideEffectsAreRewards
• #MyArmInMuseum
• #NowItsArt
• #EvolutionWontStop
• #TodaysFossil
• #BeyondProtein