"Oldest RNA" Coupe Recognized by UN as "Common Ancestor of Humanity"; Paleozoic Driver's License Now Required

The oldest RNA discovered in a legendary coupe sparked an international dispute over ownership that reached an unexpected resolution. The UN has recognized the vehicle as the “Common Ancestor of Humanity” and designated it as a specially protected cultural heritage. A PhD in paleontology is now required for oil changes, and the first official statement translated from its engine sounds was “Fill it up with premium, please.”

It all began in a dusty garage in the Italian countryside, where a 1954 coupe called the “Isotta Fraschini Eterna” had been gathering dust. During restoration work, a microscopic organic substance accidentally discovered in the seams of the leather seats was identified as “primordial RNA” that could trace back to the origins of all life on Earth. Molecular phylogenetic analysis suggested that this RNA did not belong to any known branch of the tree of life—it was literally the “blueprint of the first life.”

This discovery of the century plunged the world into both excitement and conflict. Germany, the country of manufacture, claimed ownership as industrial heritage. Italy, where the discovery was made, asserted cultural property rights. Furthermore, a U.S. foundation that had funded the analysis demanded proportional ownership of the RNA based on its investment ratio. Heads of state exchanged accusations, and at one point, the UN Security Council was convened in an emergency session. Humanity had devolved into an ugly inheritance dispute over its own origins.

The deadlock was broken by an unprecedented report submitted by the UN Scientific Advisory Committee. “This RNA does not belong to any particular nation; it is the shared property of all humanity. And the coupe itself, which protected this ‘Holy Grail of life’ through billions of years of weathering, should be regarded as our mobile cradle—our ‘Common Ancestor.’” This unconventional proposal, transcending national interests, was surprisingly accepted without much resistance.

On the 25th, the UN General Assembly unanimously adopted a resolution recognizing the coupe as the “Common Ancestor of Humanity” and designating it through UNESCO as the first “World Heritage Vehicle.” Consequently, the management and maintenance of the vehicle are now under the strict supervision of international organizations. To drive it, one must possess a license proving “deep knowledge of Paleozoic strata.” For oil changes and maintenance, a PhD in paleontology is mandatory. Even heads of state are not permitted to open the hood without authorization.

At the inaugural engine-starting ceremony held in a solemn atmosphere the other day, linguists from around the world gathered. Using special algorithms, they attempted to translate the idling sounds. In the tense silence, the first official statement displayed on the monitor read: “Fill it up with premium, please. Also, check the tire pressure.” The venue reportedly fell silent for a moment at this remarkably mundane divine oracle. Perhaps our roots are far more pragmatic than we imagined.

Apparently, our ancestor has poor fuel efficiency. The grand narrative of origins, in the end, is a journey in search of a gas station. The road of evolution still seems to have its fuel warning light blinking.

Stakeholder Comments

• Mr. Isotta Fraschini Eterna (the Coupe): “The title is heavy, but the drive hasn’t changed. Though, mechanics have been rather stiff lately. I wish they’d polish my spark plugs with more reverence for life.”
• Mr. Oldest RNA: “I was just sleeping in the seat for hundreds of millions of years, and when I woke up, the world had changed. For now, please spare me the UV rays.”
• UN Secretary-General António Guterres: “I am proud that we avoided international conflict and reached a sublime consensus regarding human origins. The next agenda item is where to secure parking space for this ancestor.”
• Giuseppe, the auto mechanic who made the discovery: “I thought it was just a loose stitch in the seat… Now I can’t even touch the oil gauge without a PhD. Where did my life go wrong?”
• Paleontologist (anonymous): “My master’s thesis was on trilobites, but somehow now I’m adjusting carburetors. Is this what they call a career path…?”
• Paleozoic ammonite fossil: “It’s deeply moving that licenses from our era are finally useful. The practical exam mainly involved dodging meteorites.”
• Major oil company CEO: “It’s truly delightful that humanity’s ancestor requests premium gasoline. We are convinced we have been humanity’s partner since creation.”
• Environmental NGO representative: “We feel a deep dilemma about the fact that our ancestor demands fossil fuels. For now, we will issue a statement calling for emissions regulations to apply.”
• DMV clerk: “We’re being flooded with inquiries asking, ‘Can I convert my license to a Paleozoic license?’ Please submit your Cambrian Period proof of residence first.”
• Ordinary citizen (male, 30s): “So, does that mean my beat-up kei car is a distant relative? I suddenly feel attached to it.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Ancestor dear / How many miles per liter / Do you travel?
• Fill it up, says / The engine’s voice beneath / Winter’s pale sky
• Paleozoic / License in hand, people / Form a long queue
• Open the hood / The PhD straightens / His collar with care
• Primordial RNA / What dreams did you dream / In the seat’s corner?
• Is that a cough / Or exhaust fumes—or perhaps / Evolution’s wheeze?
• Unanimous vote / Decides our ancestor is / An iron horse
• Oil change ritual / Resembles a prayer / At the sacred site
• Holding the key / Humanity’s delegate / Trembles with awe
• UN flag raised / So that no parking ticket / May be issued

Kanji / Chinese Characters

伝説車体発見最古RNA 所有権巡国際問題 国連認定人類共通祖先 特別保護文化財指定 運転条件古生代免許必須

Emoji

🚗🧬➡️🌍🇺🇳➡️📜👨‍🎓➡️⛽

Onomatopoeia

Vroom vroom… Thump, thump… Rattle-rattle, pop-pop-pop! Murmur murmur… Click! Silence… Gulp.

SNS

• #OurAncestorIsACoupe
• #ChurchOfPremiumGas
• #PaleozoicLicenseRenewalWhen
• Wonder if my car will revert to its ancestral form too
• #WorldHeritageVehicle
• Our ancestor has terrible fuel economy
• My dream is to get a PhD and become a mechanic
• UN resolution is hilariously next-level lol
• #PrimordialRNA
• Will it even pass inspection?