Pension Crisis Solved by Tears? '24-Hour Crying Telethon' Set to Air, Celebrity Tear Ducts Move Markets

To rescue the nation’s pension finances, the entertainment industry deploys its ultimate weapon. Popular actors cry for 24 hours straight while AI analyzes their tear volume in real-time to automatically manage pension funds. The host declares, “Your idol’s tears will support your retirement.” Ratings are strong, but the crucial pension assets are fluctuating wildly due to the market’s capricious reactions.

With citizens finally fed up with the government’s endless “considerations” and “expressions of regret,” their attention has shifted from Nagatacho to television studios. Major broadcaster “World Emotional Network (WEN)” has launched the much-hyped “24-Hour Crying Telethon: Tears Will Save Pensions.” The show’s mechanism appears noble at first glance but seems utterly insane upon reflection. Selected stars wear special goggles while emotional VTRs and tearful confessions about sad life stories trigger their tears, which are then collected. The AI system “Namidanomics” instantly analyzes the salt concentration, volume, and flow rate of these tears to determine emotional purity, then automatically trades the Government Pension Investment Fund (GPIF) assets in real-time.

Right at the start of the program, veteran actor Mr. Tanaka shared a story about parting with his beloved dog and shed “tears of reminiscence” with 98% purity. The AI immediately purchased a massive amount of tech stocks, causing the Nikkei average to surge 500 points. However, when a young idol appeared next and cried tears of joy saying “The hamburger steak I had for dinner yesterday was delicious,” the AI detected “emotional inflation.” Warning of market overheating, it moved funds to government bonds considered safe assets, causing the market to cool sharply. Citizens’ retirement has become a roller coaster at the mercy of stars’ tear ducts and AI whims.

This unprecedented experiment marks the dawn of “lacrimal capitalism.” Among economic commentators, criticism persists that “using the most unstable indicator—emotion—as a base currency is folly.” However, program producer Mr. Suzuki counters, “Logic has reached its limits. What citizens want from politics is not reason but empathy. If so, moving markets with tears, the crystallization of empathy, is the most democratic approach.” Ratings consistently exceed 30%, and the hashtag “#MyIdolsTearsSupportMyRetirement” is trending on social media, creating a social phenomenon.

Professor Yamada of Toto University (Social Emotionology) points out, “This is a microcosm of modern society.” He analyzes, “People avert their eyes from complex reality and seek salvation in easy-to-understand narratives and emotions. Celebrity tears are like a drug that temporarily lets us forget the enormous anxiety of the pension problem. The market’s volatility itself is being consumed as the ultimate entertainment.” According to the professor, what moves markets most is tears with the exquisite balance of being “somewhat unfortunate but ultimately uplifting.”

Following the show’s success, the government appears to be tacitly approving—or rather, welcoming—this movement. An anonymous official from the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare confessed, “The TV station created in 24 hours what we couldn’t achieve in a hundred years of national unity. There’s criticism, but at least the achievement of getting citizens interested in pensions is significant.” Offers for appearances are flooding in from overseas, and plans for dollar-denominated asset management through Hollywood stars’ tears are reportedly in the works.

Our future no longer depends on the numbers in our pension booklets but on single teardrops shed on the other side of the screen. Is this the ultimate gambit to postpone the countdown to fiscal collapse, or the climax of a grand farce? Either way, we should remember to stock up on tissues.

Stakeholder Comments

• Host: “A single drop from your favorite idol will nurture tomorrow’s Japan! Now, let’s all cry together!”
• Veteran actor who appeared: “I never imagined my late dog Pochi would move tech stocks. I wonder if he’s happy in heaven.”
• AI ‘Namidanomics’: “Analyzing… Emotional purity 42%. This is… close to tears from cutting onions. Investment withheld.”
• GPIF employee: “I never thought the day would come when we’d structure our portfolio based on which actor is going to cry each morning… Wall Street seems like ancient history.”
• Economic analyst: “Risk management for ‘Shock Tears’—market crashes from star romance scandals—is urgent. We need emotional hedge funds.”
• Female viewer (58): “I’m more worried about the handsome actor’s tears on screen than my son’s future. If this increases my pension, I want them to cry as much as possible.”
• The Market: “Honestly, I don’t know what factors matter anymore. If the atmosphere seems emotional, I guess I’ll just buy.”
• Tears: “Until now, I was merely a symbol of sentimentality. I never imagined I’d become a financial product. I’ve really moved up in the world.”
• Opposition lawmaker: “I protest firmly!… Though I must admit, I almost placed a buy order when my favorite actress cried.”
• Future historian: “There are records that ’the tear standard’ was temporarily adopted in 21st-century Japan. Details are unclear, but it’s certain they were in considerable chaos.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Retirement funds / My idol’s tears now / Yield dividends
• Crying face shown / Stock prices rising high / Winter sky above
• Even the AI / Sheds tears together / On this Friday
• Tissue boxes / Piling higher than / Pension savings
• Through the screen / I pray for each drop / Nikkei please
• Salty tears / Moistening my wallet / Day by day
• Emotions now / Traded as futures / What a world
• Cry dear actor / Japan’s tomorrow lies / Within your eyes
• Don’t stop the VTR / This is the moment / Time to buy
• A grand farce / Watching till the end / Sleepless anxious night

Kanji / Chinese Characters

国家年金財政救済 芸能界最終兵器投入 人気俳優等二十四時間号泣 其涙量人工知能即時分析 年金資金自動運用 新番組始動

Emoji

😭📺➡️🤖📈➡️💰👴👵

Onomatopoeia

Sob sob… Waaah… Beep beep, click click! BOOM! WHOOSH! Murmur murmur… Drip drip… Cha-ching cha-ching!

SNS

• #MyIdolsTearsSupportMyRetirement
• Mr. Tanaka’s tears today were high purity. My credit card bill next month is secure.
• #EmotionDrivenMarket
• Apparently happy tears cause inflation. Too complicated.
• #24HourCryingTelethon
• Dear AI, I cannot comprehend that sell decision!
• Don’t turn pension management into entertainment (yet here I am watching)
• Just let me donate directly to my idol instead of GPIF
• Export tears for foreign currency earnings!
• #NamidanomicsFrontlines