Parents Shipped to Space for Kids' Poor Grades: Government Launches Mars Cram School Program

The era has arrived when parents get stuffed into rockets if their children’s grades don’t improve. Under the government’s new “Parental Academic Enhancement Project,” guardians are sent to a boarding school in Mars orbit to redo arithmetic drills and horizontal bar exercises in zero gravity. The children left behind on Earth are watching their parents’ struggles via “Negative Role Model Live Stream.”

According to the program proposal published by the Ministry of Education and Space, when the same student scores below the national average for three consecutive semesters on nationwide academic assessments, their parents are designated as a “Household Requiring Academic Support.” Once designated, parents receive a boarding pass to the spaceport from their local government before even obtaining their employer’s approval, and depart the following week for “Mars Parent School Campus,” a boarding facility in Mars orbit. The official in charge explained in a tone lighter than gravity itself, “Children’s academic performance is strongly dependent on the home environment. Therefore, we should correct the entire household’s trajectory.”

At the Mars orbital school, mornings are devoted to arithmetic and Japanese language, while afternoons cover physical education and life skills. The program features a forced fusion of cutting-edge educational theory and old-fashioned grit: “Three-Dimensional Learning,” where students recite multiplication tables while doing pull-ups on horizontal bars installed in zero gravity, and “Exploratory Assessment,” where they collect calculation drills scattered in the air and solve them within a time limit. Upon completion, a “Parental Academic Index” is calculated, and those who fail to meet the standard face supplementary exams on a lunar orbit course.

Meanwhile, children left behind on Earth watch their parents’ struggles through a dedicated app called “Negative Role Model Live.” The screen displays parents’ heart rates synced with grade graphs, screaming comments from the moment they let go of the horizontal bar, and subtitle commentary from homeroom teachers. Viewing history is reflected in report cards, with “whether the child watched their parent’s efforts to the end” added as an evaluation criterion. One elementary school student said, “I hate tests, but I watch my dad’s failed pull-up compilation every night,” suggesting that viewership ratings, at least, are on the rise.

Shadows of inequality are already appearing in the system. For wealthy families, a “Premium Mars Dormitory” is available with private showers and personal tutors, and for an additional fee, academically excellent children can accompany their parents for “companion learning” on Mars. Meanwhile, parents from low-income households are crammed into a cargo-compartment-style “Standing Self-Study Zone,” with only last year’s electronic textbook data available. An education scholar criticized, “It’s not just ‘parent lottery’ anymore—it’s become ‘dormitory lottery.’ They’re expanding unfairness to cosmic proportions in the name of fairness.”

Nevertheless, surveys show some public support. Many parents are volunteering themselves, saying, “If I can’t help with homework anyway due to overtime, I might as well do an intensive camp on Mars.” Some even hope for it as a “Mars refuge” that temporarily frees them from caregiving, childcare, and remote meetings. Within the government, plans are already emerging for a “Reward Lunar Retreat” for parents of high-achieving students, and it seems that academic performance and family destinations are drifting ever further from gravity.

Stakeholder Comments

• Mars Orbital School Academic Director: “First, we’ll have parents start over with fraction addition and sigh subtraction.”
• Ministry of Education and Space Official: “We’ve boldly shifted from grounded education to ungrounded education.”
• Fifth-grade child: “I failed my test, but my dad’s fail compilation clips are the most viral in class.”
• Father ordered to board: “I was told it was a solo assignment, but it turned out to be a ‘solo planet’ assignment.”
• Private cram school operator: “This has opened up a new market of the parent generation that we couldn’t capture before.”
• Arithmetic drill: “I’m deeply moved that I’ve finally gone from being solved to being the solver.”
• Zero gravity: “I don’t feel responsible. I simply don’t let things fall.”
• Education sociologist: “I acknowledge the importance of home education, but you could just talk at a nearby park without going to Mars.”
• Rocket mechanic: “When you pack this much parental love in, guilt exceeds the safety standards.”
• Parent who lost the lottery: “I thought the only things I never win are the lottery and promotions.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Mars cram school / Father’s failed pull-up / Child shares it wide
• Report card arrives / Only parent to orbit / Winter sky remains
• Arithmetic and / horizontal bar spinning / in zero gravity
• Parent lottery / now child lottery too / bound for Mars
• Failed test in red / rocket blazes forth / tearing through the night
• Negative role model / child broadcasts from Earth / to distant stars
• In the spacecraft / parent’s sighs condense / into frost
• From Mars arrives / the report card / edge of space
• Never checked homework / now pressing the button / for launch
• Child alone / left on Earth / gazing at stars

Kanji / Chinese Characters

子成績不振時代 政府親学力向上計画 親火星軌道補習留学 子地球残映像視聴

Emoji

🌍👧📉➡️🚀👨‍👩‍👧📚🛰️🔴📱🎥😅

Onomatopoeia

Rumble rumble, whoooosh, float float, spin spin, scribble scribble, huff huff, giggle giggle, beep beep, murmur murmur, silence.

SNS

• #ParentsOnlySpaceStudyAbroad My parent just got trajectory-corrected too
• Too many kids pretending to do homework while watching Negative Role Model Live
• Mars cram school premium dorm already full—what entrance exam war is this
• The lament that after parent lottery comes dorm lottery might reach space
• Honestly a working adult here who kinda wants to escape to Mars for a business trip
• I can see a future where Parental Academic Index is used for bonus evaluations
• The burden on grandparents left on Earth is as heavy as gravity itself
• Can someone explain why the Japanese version of NoParentLeftBehind goes to space
• My dad’s failed pull-up compilation is now viral content in class
• Education reform has finally physically transcended dimensional barriers