Ministry of Education Merges Five Core Subjects into "Physics (Muscle)" — Bans Writing Instruments from Entrance Exams

The Ministry of Education, Culture, Sports, Science and Technology announced on the 23rd that starting from the 2026 academic year, the five core subjects of Japanese, Mathematics, Science, Social Studies, and English will be abolished and merged into a single new subject called “Physics (Muscle).”

Amid the recent proliferation of fruitless debates on social media and the hollowing out of language by AI, the Ministry has taken notice of the “limitations of linguistic communication” and made a dramatic shift toward cultivating human resources through “mass” and “physical pressure”—the universal language of all nations.

At the press conference held at the Ministry, the Minister of Education appeared wearing a tank top. “They say the pen is mightier than the sword, but a 200-kilogram barbell is heavier than a pen. This is truth,” he declared, flexing his biceps while explaining the new policy.

“Physics (Muscle)” in the new curriculum aims to physically embody Newtonian mechanics. Mathematics will specialize exclusively in calculating total barbell weights and macro-nutrient ratios, while classical Japanese and Chinese literature will be revamped into classes that decipher “legends of ancient strongmen.” Furthermore, English education will completely abolish grammar, focusing instead on shouts used when handling heavy weights—such as “Light weight, baby!"—and listening comprehension for posing instructions at international competitions.

The entrance examination system will also undergo dramatic changes. The conventional National Center Test for University Admissions will be abolished and replaced with the new “National Center Bench Press for University Admissions.”

Bringing writing instruments into examination venues will be strictly prohibited as “dangerous materials.” Instead of answer sheets, examinees will be provided with steel plates, which they must bend using only their grip strength to indicate their responses. Consequently, “deviation value” will be replaced by “muscle deviation value” as the absolute criterion for pass or fail, with prestigious programs such as the University of Tokyo’s Science III Department expected to set a minimum requirement of successfully lifting 300 kilograms in the squat.

Approximately 50 members of civic groups and parent organizations who visited to protest this radical reform, calling it “an abandonment of intellect,” gathered in front of the Ministry, but the situation was resolved physically.

The Board of Education’s “Special Guidance Unit” (commonly known as “Muscle Corps”), deployed instead of security guards, lifted each sit-in protester from the ground using proper deadlift form and relocated them outside the premises courteously and swiftly.

One parent who was removed stated, “I tried to resist, but their core strength was too strong—they didn’t budge an inch. My logical thinking was powerless before overwhelming mass,” and sipped protein with a dazed expression.

The government plans to submit a bill to convert all school lunches under compulsory education to a blended meal of chicken breast and broccoli.

As this nation abandons words and pursues only “absolute truth” in the form of muscle, what kind of gravitational presence will it demonstrate in the international community? As the world watches with bated breath, the heavy sounds of iron clashing against iron continue to reverberate throughout the government district of Kasumigaseki today.

Stakeholder Comments

• Minister of Education: “F=ma. Force is everything. We provide the acceleration. All you need to do is increase your mass (muscle).”
• Major Prep School Instructor: “All summer intensive courses will be held at the gym. Instead of ’this formula will appear on the test,’ we’ll push you until ’this vein appears.'”
• Test-taker (11th grade): “I was worried because I couldn’t do factoring, but I can disassemble dumbbells. My future looks bright now.”
• Board of Education Special Guidance Unit Member: “When lifting protesters, I made sure to focus on hip hinge to avoid hurting my back. They’re too light, though—they should eat more.”
• Japan PEN Club Representative: “What remains for humans who have lost words… ugh, this pen is too heavy to hold…!? (The material has been changed to tungsten)”
• Physicist: “Muscle is also a collection of atoms. As long as it follows the laws of physics, this could arguably be called proper evolution.”
• Foreign Bodybuilder: “Japanese education is crazy! But anyone who wants to study abroad at my gym is welcome! Yeah buddy!”
• Steel Answer Sheet: “Bend me if you can. I won’t accept answers with weak pen pressure (grip strength).”
• School Desk: “I am no longer needed. I wish to be reincarnated as a bench press station.”
• Protein Manufacturer Stock Price: “Limit up. We’re now more trusted than currency.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Cast aside your pen / Grasp iron instead, student / Examination
• Spring thaw arrives now / Muscles proudly displayed at / Entrance ceremony
• Cicada chorus / Shouts echo throughout the room / Self-study session
• Autumn wind blows through / Protein powder dances in / The schoolyard air
• Deviation scores / Mean nothing in winter gyms / Only iron speaks
• Taste of iron spreads / Throughout my mouth on the morn / Of practice exams
• Textbooks transform to / Weights for muscle growth today / Hypertrophy
• Deeper than debate / Squats protect the nation now / Physical discourse
• Spring sky above us / Entrance exam steel plates bend / Under strong grip force
• Mass never lies to / Anyone beneath the stars / Of the Milky Way

Kanji / Chinese Characters

文科省主要五科目撤廃 物理一択筋肉統合 筆記用具持込厳禁 偏差値廃止偏筋値導入 論理不要質量解決 抗議団体強制排除 給食鶏肉野菜液状化

Emoji

🏫🚫📚➡️🏋️‍♂️💪 📝🚫➡️🦾🔩 🗣️❌➡️💥🥊 🥗🍗🥤😋 👨‍🏫📉➡️🦍📈 👮‍♂️🛑➡️🏋️‍♀️💨

Onomatopoeia

CLANG, CLANG! HNGH, NNNGH! CREAK CREAK CREAK… (sound of bending steel plate) GULP GULP, AHHHH (protein shake) RIP RIP (sound of shirt tearing) SILENCE… (a classroom without chatter)

SNS

• #EducationReform #MuscleNeverBetraysYou
• Studying for exams rn. Hit 120kg bench today so A-rank is guaranteed.
• The liberal arts vs. science debate is over. Now it’s “upper arm” vs. “quadriceps.”
• Threw away my pencil case. Bought wrist straps.
• I talked back to my teacher and got demolished by a lariat. Can’t beat the laws of physics.
• #PhysicsMuscle Entrance exam steel plate is way too hard lol. 70kg grip strength means automatic fail.
• English class was just watching Ronnie Coleman videos lmao
• The video of protesters being deadlifted away is too addictive.
• Japan has finally started Spartan education (literal physical version).
• If you have muscle, you don’t need words. Nice bulk!