Super-Insulated City Bans Chimneys, Certifies Wall-Stuck Santas as "Bio-Insulation" to Cut Rescue Costs

In the early hours of the 23rd, multiple accidents occurred in Zero Carbon Hills City—renowned as an environmental future city—where dozens of Santa Clauses on Christmas delivery duty became immobilized inside the walls of state-of-the-art eco-homes. The city completely banned “chimneys” under building codes this fiscal year as a primary source of heat loss, and the Santas, having lost their entry points, apparently chose 10cm-diameter high-efficiency ventilation ducts (Type 1 ventilation system air intakes) as alternative routes.

According to the City Construction Bureau, resident reports flooded in by the morning of the 23rd, claiming they heard “labored ‘Ho… Ho…’ sounds coming from inside the walls.” Investigation confirmed 48 cases where Santas who had forcibly attempted entry were wedged between the insulation (glass wool) and vapor barrier sheets of highly insulated walls. Under normal circumstances, rescue operations would commence immediately, but destroying the walls would significantly reduce the building’s airtightness (C-value), making it difficult to achieve the city’s “zero heating demand” target. The city council held an emergency session and unanimously decided on “structural incorporation” rather than “burying Santas alive.”

According to the emergency notification issued by the city, “Special Measures Act for Organic Filler Materials (commonly known as: Santa Filler Act),” Santas lodged within walls are defined as having thermal resistance values (R-values) equal to or greater than existing insulation due to their plump physiques and multi-layered clothing. “The fat layer of Santa’s abdomen and the air pockets in velvet fabric demonstrate extremely excellent insulation effects,” explained the city’s technical advisor. By officially re-registering stuck Santas as building materials, the city aims to reduce wall demolition costs for rescue (approximately 3 million yen per house) while also upgrading the city’s environmental performance rating from “Gold” to “Platinum.”

To residents expressing concerns about strange sounds from walls, the city dismissed them as “a bug where the latest AI-equipped smart home system is playing ambient holiday sounds.” They distributed update patches and implemented measures to cancel out groaning sounds with noise-canceling features. One resident commented, “The wall is slightly warm, and I somehow sense a determination about presents. I was moved, thinking this must be cutting-edge bio-heating,” seemingly accepting the city’s explanation favorably.

Meanwhile, a problem has emerged where herds of reindeer waiting on rooftops for their masters’ return are blocking solar panels, reducing power generation efficiency. The city has begun considering whether to certify reindeer as “self-propelled biomass fuel.” On this Christmas Eve, where dreams and reality are compressed in the gaps of insulation under the name of efficiency, when those inside the walls finally fall silent, the city will achieve true “silence” and “high insulation.”

Stakeholder Comments

• Zero Carbon Hills Mayor: “Santa not only delivers dreams to children but has also protected the city’s energy efficiency at the cost of his own body. This is the ultimate form of SDGs.”
• Construction Bureau Insulation Inspector: “Our measurements show the thermal transmittance of wall surfaces with stuck Santas has improved to 0.1W/m²K. The beard area in particular completely blocks drafts.”
• Arctic Delivery Workers’ Union Spokesperson: “If there are no chimneys, leave the front door open. We firmly protest city planning that ignores the laws of physics, but right now, it’s just really cramped in here.”
• Santa Inside the Wall (Age 246): “Ho… can’t breathe… no, Merry… actually, it’s surprisingly warm in here…”
• Smart Speaker: “Noise detected from wall. Playing death metal version of Jingle Bells at maximum volume for masking.”
• Resident A (Eco-conscious type): “Part of my wall has red and white decoration, how lovely. It’s proof they’re using sustainable organic building materials.”
• Architect: “Making the duct diameter 10cm wasn’t my design error. I simply underestimated Santa’s fluidity.”
• Reindeer: “The boss isn’t coming back. Also, the roof’s anti-slip coating is inadequate and my hooves keep slipping.”
• Child: “Dad, there’s an old man’s foot sticking out of the wall! Is this this year’s present?”
• Police Chief: “Whether to view this as trespassing or as part of the building materials—legal interpretation can’t keep up, so for now we’ll process it as ‘wall.’”

International Expressions

Haiku

• No chimney in sight / On Christmas Eve walls contain / Beard insulation
• Ventilation duct / Stuffing dreams inside / Just ten centimeters
• Freezing night descends / Belly fat proves useful now / Warmth in the walls
• Santa becomes now / A nameless filler / Within the wall
• Groaning sounds they say / Are merely a software bug / Christmas Eve it is
• Energy savings / Victim dressed in red attire / Sacrificed for warmth
• Windows never open / City’s rejection meets / Sound of sleigh bells
• Even buried deep / Still radiating warmth / Santa perseveres
• Reindeer wait as well / Standing by on the rooftop / Batteries run low
• When spring arrives here / Transforming to wall stains / A miracle blooms

Kanji / Chinese Characters

聖夜配送老人壁内充填 超断熱都市煙突撤廃故 吸気口強行侵入多数 市当局救助断念 生体断熱材認定 住民説明AI誤作動 壁中悶絶音遮断

Emoji

🎅➡️🕳️🏢🧱🛑😱 📉💰➡️📈🌡️🆗 🗣️🆘👂❌➡️🤖🎶 🦌🏠☀️🔋⬇️😨 🎁🚫👷‍♂️✅🧱🎅👍

Onomatopoeia

Squeeze, squeeze, pack, pack. Pop… squelch squelch squelch. “Ho… urgh…” Silence… Ping! “Initiating noise cancellation.” Scratch scratch, tap tap. Warm and cozy.

SNS

• #SantaInTheWall #SustainableXmas
• My wall feels kinda soft lol Is bio-insulation real?
• City response is godly. Good on them for not wasting tax money (on rescue).
• [Breaking] Santa inadvertently improves U-value (thermal transmittance)
• This bug where I hear “Have you been good…” from the wall is too scary lmao
• I feel like I’ve seen the dark side of smart cities, but my room is warm so it’s fine!
• About the reindeer chewing on solar panels on the roof
• Santa’s foot stuck in the vent has modern art vibes, very photogenic 📸
• Next year Santa drones are inevitable
• Wondered why no presents arrived, turns out Santa became building material